When Polyamory Is Non-Sexual

Some poly relationships aren’t about physical intimacy at all

You may have already heard quite a bit about how polyamory isn’t only about sex, but did you know that sometimes, it’s not about sex at all? Polyamory is about having different kinds of intimate relationships with more than one person at a time, and this means that it’s quite possible for some of those relationships to be close and deeply loving, but without any physical component.

This might not make sense to those who can only envision love and sex going together in the same romantic relationship. But given that somewhere between 10% and 20% of traditional monogamous marriages are sexless for at least some significant part of the time, and that infidelity rates are higher than that, perhaps it makes more sense to say that we have a cultural expectation that love and sex go together in a relationship because it’s not exactly rare that they don’t.

A non-sexual polyamorous relationship might take place for a variety of reasons that in more traditional monogamous relationships would likely lead to that couple deciding to break up, but because polyamory allows for a variety of intimate relationships with more than one person, this doesn’t necessarily have to be the case because other needs can be met by other people. Here are some examples:

• One partner realizes that their sexual orientation is different than they thought it was and is no longer sexually interested in their spouse or partner, but still loves them.
• Partners realize that they are not truly sexually compatible, but are otherwise a great fit for each other. Either one person has a higher sex drive or one person has or develops sexual interests such as kink that the other person does not share.
• The relationship is more of a spiritual connection than a physical one — almost like a deep friendship but with someone that you are not erotically interested in.
• If people are part of a relationship unit with others who aren’t part of their sexual orientation. I know of a man who is a part of a closed triad with a married couple. They are only involved with each other but he is not sexually intimate with the other man, although they have a very close and committed relationship none-the-less as co-partners who share a home with the same woman.
• My partner Nat and I live far away from each other. We have had a sexual relationship in the past and hope to have one again at some point, but because of the distance and the issues we’ve had trying to get together, we haven’t been able to fulfill on that part for a long time, even though we are both still interested in it.
• Sometimes two gay couples, or one couple and a single person decide to form a family for the purposes of raising children. This might be another instance where love, intimacy, and commitment have nothing to do with sexual interest.

As one polyamorous couple said,

We realized that while we loved each other very much, it was very frustrating mentally and emotionally to try to make sex work. Some of the things that turn me on he has no interest in doing whatsoever. We had a lot of talks and we were really trying to push ourselves into making it work. When we finally said, Fuck it, let’s take sex off the table, the relationship got better almost immediately. We didn’t constantly feel as though we were failing the other person or we had to try to do something that wasn’t comfortable for us. I was able to trust him again the way I had before I pulled back because I didn’t know how to meet his needs. If we had been monogamous, we would have ended the relationship totally.

Taormino, Tristan. Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships . Cleis Press Start. Kindle Edition.

There might be all sorts of reasons why partners would feel deeply connected to each other but not interested in or able to have sex with each other. Fortunately, in polyamory, you and those you are involved with, get to make up their own relationship parameters. You do not have to fit into anyone else’s boxes, and are free to create the connections that work for you. Not only is polyamory not just about sex, but sometimes, it’s not about sex at all.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2021 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love.