Rachel Hollis Was My Hero — Until I Realized the Truth About Her Empire

What I learned from my misguided hero worship.

I stared down at the hat I had bought, with its brightly stitched lettering across the front saying “Start Today”. A twenty-dollar symbol of the inspiration I had found in Rachel Hollis, that now I wasn’t sure what to do with.

• Girl, Stop Apologizing!
• Made for More.
• The Future is Yours.
• Start Today.

All of these phrases, coined by Rachel Hollis and her motivational empire, had up until now sparked something in me that made me want to learn, work on myself, and make my overall life better. I fell in love with someone who became my she-ro, my role model, and the picture of who I wanted to be somewhere in the future. She seemed so strong, so bold, so outspoken, so successful — the epitome of female power and purpose.

I wondered how I could have been so naïve.

But then I started thinking about how I could turn this around.

I’m embarrassed to say that for the longest time, I followed Rachel Hollis religiously. As in, I read her written work, followed her on social media, and eagerly awaited her new podcast episode each week as if it was the eleventh commandment. I bought her merchandise, took her advice, and attempted to apply it to my own life.

I dreamed of the day I could attend her women’s business and empowerment conference on my own, to finally be there in the crowd feeling her words of motivation and empowerment rain over me.

But as time progressed, when one little red flag appeared after another, I came to realize that Rachel Hollis — and all she stands for and claims to achieve — is a sugar-coated lie.

I was so engrossed in her narrative, and the kick-your-butt-into-gear speeches that she spouted on a regular basis, that I started to lose myself. I was obsessed with embodying her spirit in my life and never did any research, or learned anything about her that didn’t come from her mouth.

It honestly didn’t occur to me at the time.

Because when you put someone on such a high pedestal in your life, how could there be anything wrong with them?

When I started hearing different things and finally took a step back, I realized I had never worshiped a person, but instead an idea of a person that didn’t really exist.

My problems started when someone online mentioned she had been accused of plagiarism in the past, and it hadn’t been resolved. This would be concerning in general, but for me as a writer, this was definitely something that gave me pause. Then I started researching other problems she’d had in the past, and things people said about her were pretty eye-opening. So much so, in fact, that I was embarrassed to admit my hero worship and was honestly surprised at myself that I hadn’t known better.

I’d like to say I’m not someone to be easily led into something without doing my research, but I was.

Obsessed with her ideals, lifestyle, and empowering advice, I allowed myself to be completely fooled. I never actually thought about what she was saying, but instead blindly believed it because I needed to.

Issue #1: the root of her motivational message

The biggest thing that I started to find disturbing was the root of the actual messages Rachel Hollis distributed in all of her podcasts, written words, and conferences. And that was: to live life as the very best version of yourself that you could be, and stop letting outside influences hold you back.

At first, and for a long time, that seemed like an amazing mantra. Of course I wanted to be the best version of myself and ‘live my best life’! That meant I would be getting the most out of my life, and who wouldn’t want that?

The problem I started to find, however, was that through her messaging — whether intended or not — was also the message that you could always do better. Therefore if you slowed down or rested or took breaks from routines you set for yourself, then you were not good enough.

You were not trying hard enough. You were making excuses.

If you stopped trying, you were letting yourself down.

I don’t believe that any motivational speaker — or any other person, for that matter — needs to take it to that level of extreme. We are all human and everyone needs to take a break sometimes, or change it up if the routine was working for a while but now it’s not.

I wholeheartedly believe you can train yourself to have good habits, think positive thoughts, and increase motivation and productivity — I really do. If you want to change your mindset and your life, I 100% think that’s possible and that you should go for it. I did.

The issue is that holding yourself to such a high standard like she is talking about is exhausting, and sooner or later, you will burn out.

And if you’re taking it to Rachel’s extreme, I also believe you have potential to alienate yourself and others along the way. She believes in commitment to yourself and habits so much that she actually says in her her book ‘Girl, Wash Your Face’ that she wouldn’t trust others who break them. That line of thinking is extremely judgmental and harsh — and unnecessary.

It’s essentially shaming yourself into compliance, and others, too.

In trying to better my own life, I should not be encouraged to cut ties with people simply because they don’t choose the exact same lifestyle. There’s a big difference between cutting off people who are actually toxic, and cutting off people who can’t commit and keep giving up on their diet.

Issue #2: her seemingly perfect relationship

And before you say, “Um, that’s none of your business”, let me say that I wouldn’t care if she didn’t make a point to preach about how well they’ve made it work, and give advice to the rest of us how to make our own relationships work as well as hers does.

No one is perfect, but if you’re giving advice, I believe you need to practice what you preach and not only show the picture-perfect moments of your daily life.

And if it’s not working, that’s okay — just stop talking about it!

As it turned out, I hadn’t read her first book, because I got on the “Rachel Hollis train” right at the time her second one (‘Girl, Stop Apologizing’) came out, so that’s the one I went for.

In the first book I’ve since read how she goes into detail about how she and her husband got together, and… it’s not an inspiring story. Essentially, she admits to being a booty call for him for years while he won’t commit to her, and then when she finally had enough of his wishy-washiness and was going to leave, he caught on and suddenly wanted to get serious so he didn’t lose her.

This kind of behavior isn’t the sort of message I would want to send to other women.

That definitely doesn’t sound like the stand-up, picture-of-a-perfect-and-devoted-partner husband that has been plastered all over her website and social media for almost the last decade.

But hey, I suppose people can change.

However, just this week on social media they announced that they are getting a divorce. Again, this shouldn’t really be my business. And on the one hand, I feel for them and their four children. But on the other hand, I thought the message she sent out to the world was pretty high-and-mighty.

In a drawn-out post she announced they were separating and needed to be away from social media for a while (understandably) and needed a “human moment”. Reading this, I paused. Uh, as opposed to what? That’s pretty presumptuous to say, because it implies that before this moment, you’re assuming the rest of us looked at you and your family as gods.

This was especially irritating to me because she also mentioned that their family had been such an open book to the public for so many years. That may be true on some level, but certainly not in terms of their relationship. Her husband Dave has since admitted that they had actually been considering divorce for years now, but I never got a whiff of that on their public front.

Again, it’s completely understandable that she wouldn’t want to share that, but don’t claim to be an open book and then act as if we, the public, owe you compassion and privacy. The whole thing came off as condescending.

And that leads me to my final issue with her motivational platform:

Issue #3: her privilege and lack of relatability

To a narrow but still huge demographic, Rachel Hollis is and will remain a queen.

But there are so many times when she ignores the fact that what she is telling us to do is not always possible across the board. She says that if you don’t find a way, you are making some excuse.

But again, that is an insane and downright offensive level of extreme.

Some people aren’t in a financial position to do the things they want to do, or aren’t able to work on improving their health or habits because they work all hours of the day and have to take care of the kids too. She claims you should be able to do it all, but then doesn’t even admit to having a nanny for her kids until the very end of her book.

Not addressing the fact that you have a lot of help and aren’t in fact doing it all, feels misleading and fake.

She doesn’t mention the affects of mental health, or abuse, or any other harsher realities that some people face, that make it more difficult for them to achieve what she is doing.

While Rachel claims that everyone can make it, even when they come from a bad place (as her family was very poor growing up and she suffered traumatic experiences), she then talks about wanting to spend her money on designer clothes and other expensive things.

In her book she tells the story that when she got her first check she went out and bought a $1000 Louis Vuitton designer bag.

This would be fine if it were simply personal preference, but in her narrative, she’s almost implying that to be considered to have “made it” you should be able to and have the desire to buy status-symbol items.

I definitely don’t hate Rachel Hollis, but I don’t want to be her sheep anymore, either. Having realized all of this, I decided to keep what I’d learned, but cut ties.

I didn’t need to be reminded all the time on social media that the woman I’d thought of as invincible once upon a time was actual a fallacy — a normal person, only successful and rich, trying to appear plastic and perfect for the world to see.

Looking back, I have come to realize that Rachel Hollis came into my life at a time when I truly needed a hero. Feeling lost and alone, I was desperate for something to work towards and someone to follow, and when I heard her messages and listened to her speak, it really did help me get back on my feet again.

I didn’t want to be her — I wanted to be the idea of her. And since that idea was never really real… why not become my own hero?

I believe that we find inspiration wherever we need to, whether that is in a living person, a historical figure, a fictional character, or simply the idea of a person that you think is the real thing.

Having said that, I learned so much from Rachel Hollis and I believe that some of her teachings have helped me improve my life. I wouldn’t wish for anyone else to get duped by Rachel and her platform, but I do hope that they can learn from her.

Now I’m figuring out how to take those things I learned, and use them to become someone that I can be proud of.

Having fallen for a fake hero, I think it’s time to put the work into myself and become my own, because in the end you’re never going to know anyone as well as you know yourself. Learn from the past and put the work in. The hero I always wanted is waiting to emerge, and she’s always going to have my back.

That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.

© Samantha Blake 2020