When one of the partners goes to psychotherapy…

Let’s imagine a hypothetical couple. The partners lived and interacted with each other for a certain time. Somehow they solved their problems (or didn’t solve them), made their plans for the future (or didn’t make them). In any case, they already had an established, more or less stable system of relations, to which they both adapted.

And so one of the partners decided to start a course of psychotherapy.

And then the fun begins.

Imagine that you came home and your spouse started renovating the apartment. There is dust all around, walls have been torn down, everything has been moved…

What are your feelings and emotions?

I would venture to guess that you are confused, surprised, and discouraged. Perhaps you are outraged, indignant. You did not order such changes, you are not ready for them. You are angry with your partner who started renovations and brought chaos and instability into your life.

And you can be understood: you want to keep the image of your partner and your relationship unchanged, you are anxious to see changes. And then your loved one makes claims against you: it turns out that he doesn’t like the relationship. It demands something from you. Talks about his emotions.

And here it is important to remember what family systemic psychotherapists tell us. They say that family systems are governed by the law of homeostasis and the law of development.

The law of homeostasis encourages members of the family system (and a couple is also a system) to leave the current situation as it is. Preserve existing patterns, templates, schemes, roles from transformation and changes.

The law of development stimulates the family system and its individuals to develop and advance the family through certain stages.

It happens that a couple turns to a psychologist (together or one partner comes) just in a period of crisis: one partner has a predominant need for development, change, while the other has a predominant need to leave everything as it is.

The point I especially want to emphasize is:

If you are the person who launched the changes, you will be prepared for your loved ones (relatives, friends, your partner) to worry and give interesting and not always positive reactions. Members of the family system are not always happy and ready to welcome change. Sometimes they will resist, obstruct and sabotage them. And that’s okay.

If you are a person who, on the contrary, is faced with a situation where a partner went to therapy (why?!) and now it seems to you that you don’t recognize him, psychotherapy has a bad effect on him, and, in general, everything is going to hell, then — this is also normal. In the sense that your feelings are normal and natural.