When Not Being OK Reaches a New Level
What else is left to do?
I used to think every time I published a difficult personal story I was letting others know they weren’t alone. Really, I was trying to cry for help to people online who might understand.
I’ve just never really communicated it properly. So I’ll give this a try.
I was always excitable. That quality remained a constant even before I was diagnosed with ADHD.
When new hobbies, projects, side hustles, and story ideas flood me, something else behind to guide their current and make beautiful patterns in the water.
Hope.
The glimmers of its reflections spur on a few days of initial excitement. Planning, watching videos of success stories, and knowing that hope can survive.
Then after another few days, I realise just how out of my depth I am.
Trying something new overwhelms me to the point of sucking my hopes and dreams inside. Down my own dingy plug hole.
There they stay until I one day find the nerve to try the process again. To try and be a different person instead of the one I am.
The bubbly persona who turns up at the odd family gathering and the poster of positive reinforcement and funny GIFs on social media are both my elaborate dances, painstakingly choreographed to fool you into thinking I’m ok…
I’m not ok.
I’m not sure when it all started but the pandemic made it easier to reflect on the person I had become, the people I chose to spend my time with, and why they too don’t like me anymore.
And then came my ADHD diagnosis.
What would you do when you’re too scared to live beyond the walls of your home because you don’t trust the person you’ve become?
To get help.
Typical. The only time my savings account has maintained four figures and I go and drain most of it on a head doctor. The deficit will feel like a lung transplant but it’s worth living without being scared.
Kicking this off is going to be hard. This time I’m searching for a specialist Psychiatrist to get to the bottom of what exactly is “wrong” with me.
And this time the initial conversation is the hardest.
This is what I managed to write.
My brief background for the doctor
I was diagnosed privately with ADHD back in July 2020 and the same psychiatrist told me I would have no option to get medication and treatment unless going through them.
I couldn’t afford that option.
They also told me I “might” be autistic, without any official assessment — unless I paid close to £700 for another conversation.
Leaving this at a cliffhanger made me spiral far worse than I thought I would after my ADHD diagnosis.
I started thinking about the past a lot and how my behaviour was potentially linked to autism and ADHD. I’ve now become obsessed with validating all past friendships and relationships and how/why they ended so badly and abruptly.
I’m overanalysing everything I do and say, wondering why I get angry and agitated very easily by people and situations. Wondering why planning routines makes me feel safe but sticking to them becomes overwhelming. I give up feeling calmer but unaccomplished and surprise surprise, I find another reason to hate myself: for breaking yet another promise.
My short attention span and inattentiveness have harmed my capacity that I can work. I can’t stick to a full-time job, so I’m now freelance, which helps. But my CV is severely spotty because I would get to a certain point in my job and find it too much and quit.
It was painful having to explain that in every interview.
I am a writer and I love it but my trouble structuring sentences and sometimes spelling words make it an arduous process. It makes me think I could be dyslexic.
My poor physical organisational skills also make me question whether or not I am dyspraxic. I have a dyspraxic, autistic friend whose symptoms sound very similar to mine.
I am not being social anymore unless you count social media. The only people I have limited myself to seeing regularly in person are my partner with who I live and my family.
I find it extremely difficult to trust others because I have allowed people to treat me very badly in the past without realising it. But I also can’t trust myself any longer and how I’ll behave/react in unknown situations.
Autism runs in my family. My brother has Asperger’s Syndrome, my uncle has Pervasive Development Disorder and I’m very sure my granddad lived with undiagnosed autism when he was alive.
I need to start living my life knowing full well what is happening inside me and how I can help it.
I have relied too much on guesswork over the past 2 years and have mostly had a challenging, socially awkward, and mentally overwhelming life before that.
I have sought therapy but talking through problems was like putting a plaster over a wound.
I’ve also been waiting for an appointment with the NHS Neurodevelopmental service for close to 1 year and 8 months just to get basic ADHD support.
I need to know the actual reasons behind the way I am and what I can actually do to help myself.
It’s no good to try more solutions before knowing the exact problem.
What are your expectations from this consultation?
I need to find out whether I have autism and also run through any other possible neurodevelopmental disorders I might have.
How I live my day to day, the many ended relationships and friendships, the way I work and learn, my destructive mindset, my cognitive dysfunctions, emotional reactions, frequent anxiety attacks, and how I shut down when everything gets too overwhelming continues to prove to me how little control I have.
And this needs to change.
Based on what my Psychiatrist told me and further reading since my ADHD diagnosis, I could potentially be autistic, bipolar, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and OCD.
I’d like to investigate any additional disorders/conditions I have with a professional, make a realistic plan of action, and get the support needed to actually stick to it.
Feeling this way isn’t living. It’s surviving in limbo while I wait for answers and I’m sick of the uncertainty.
Do you have regular thoughts that life isn’t worth living? Have you ever acted on these thoughts?
I’m sabotaging myself from having any sort of worthwhile life. If given the choice, I would intentionally deny myself access to things that would benefit me mentally and physically.
I struggle to believe they aren’t all in vain without knowing what is really happening to me.
Doing this is also starting to pose a danger to my physical health. I have a rare blood clotting disorder that requires me to exercise and eat well. Not being able to do this could have serious long-term consequences which add to my current anxiety.
I am not suicidal but my outlook on life is becoming more and more depressing with each day.
All I want is to be happy without pretending to be.
Are you a writer looking for your tribe? Love to read? Want full access to Medium? I’ve got you covered.