What if Your Thoughts Turned Neon?
Serotonin syndrome gave me a lesson through hallucinations
Several years ago, I took a bad combination of medications. After days in the hospital, my brain took this nightmare of a psychedelic vacation …
Every single centimeter, every pixel of my vision began to shimmer, subtle colors that morphed into words, then shapes and faces, wherever I rested my gaze.
If I glanced at a point in space, even the air descended into linear definition, like steam dissolving on a glass shower wall — glistening hieroglyphics superimposed on the world I knew was true.
Hold my eyes in place, and the water droplets gained prominence, realigned themselves into pictures; unsettled, I had to blink and look away.
That night I lay on my back on the plasticky mattress, exhausted and utterly relieved to let this confusion slip away.
But, lights off, my brain stayed a spark; any noise — alarms, chatter from the nurses’ station, even my own breathing — sent electric red and blue sine waves dancing in the dark, like plucked strings of a silent guitar, mocking any promise of sleep.
How long had my brain been awake, playing these games, before I — my mind, my consciousness — came to sit at the table?
In foggy irritation, I walked back to the common room and forced myself to study the hallucinations, waiting for them to dissipate.
This is all my fault, I thought. I hate myself, I hate myself; the nausea of revulsion rose in me —
and I read, in those cling-film words, spread across chairs and ceiling: ‘idiot, give it up, kill yourself,’ something similar — the specifics escape me, but the force of derision remains.
No, stop this — I’d experiment — affirm what I didn’t believe. Recite it, repeat it silently like a mantra — insistent, relentless, bullets through my wall of inner resistance.
I love myself, I’m okay — and the visible words turned to ‘great, beautiful ’— a peace sign popped up over the nurse’s station.
I may forget everything, this experience, I told myself, but remember this: as I think, I see.
Notes: Serotonin syndrome is a potentially life-threatening condition most often caused by the combination of two or more medications that affect the neurotransmitter serotonin. It can include a wide variety of symptoms, not always involving hallucinations.
- In my case, one doctor changed my migraine medication while another increased the dose of an antidepressant. I learned only later, in a letter from the pharmacy, that this was a particularly dangerous combination.
- This was just a glimpse into my exceptionally horrible episode several years ago. Every person’s experience is different.
- Disclaimer I hope goes without saying: If you think you may have serotonin syndrome, call 911 (or your country’s number for emergency services) or go to your nearest emergency room. Do not try this at home!
