When My Ex Stopped Having Sex With Me I Blamed Myself
But blaming myself did nothing to change the situation
When I became pregnant, sex with my former husband came to a screeching halt.
His rejection stung especially because at the time, a heightened sense of aliveness zinged through me and I felt oddly sexy. My morphing body amazed me. I felt supercharged and I wanted to share my excitement about what we’d created together with him.
But he hardly looked at me let alone touched me. Somehow being pregnant completely turned him off and the desire to have sex with me again never really returned.
Not like we fucked like rabbits before I became pregnant. Sex had always been a bit sparse in my marriage but after I flashed him that positive pregnancy test our sex life went from two or three times a month to zero times while pregnant to three or four times a year from there on out.
Thank goodness fertility wasn’t a problem or I wouldn’t have my second son.
When it came to understanding my former husband’s shift in behavior I made a critical error. I blamed myself. I interpreted his sharp decline of interest in sex with me to mean there was something wrong with me. That I was no longer attractive or desirable. No longer lovable.
This narrative created a rut so deep that I often slide back into it when I’m triggered by someone else who rejects me. Until recently I struggled to believe I’d ever get beyond it.
But after a friend introduced me to the work of Gabor Maté, my eyes opened to a new way of looking at this rut. In his research on trauma, Gabor says it’s not so much what happened that affects us but instead how we interpret and internalize it.
When my ex wouldn’t have sex with me I created a story about myself based on my perception of his behavior without really knowing the truth behind it. I interpreted his lack of interest in sex to be about me — which may not have even been true — and internalized it. So I spent a lot of years living in a rut of my own making.
Kinda mind blowing isn’t it?
This rut also formed from my inability to ask questions. His rejection stung and when I’m hurt I tend to get quiet and pull away. At the time I couldn’t bring myself to ask what was going on inside him.
They say communication is the key to a great relationship and this is one of the reasons why.
And although blaming myself didn’t help, blaming him wasn’t the answer either. Blame stops us in our tracks and halts any further discussion. It’s a diversion tactic. It keeps us from learning anything new and from changing.
“People who blame things rarely change things. Blame is an unassailable change-avoidance strategy.” — Andy Stanley
According to the research of Brené Brown, we often pull out the blame card when we’re angry or in pain. It blocks us from reflecting on what happened. It also prevents us from having honest conversations. Blame builds a barrier and hampers our connection to others.
In my case, putting the blame on myself kept me from seeing my situation differently. It also stopped me from asking him questions. It shut me down at a time when opening up may have produced a different result and possibly a deeper connection between us.
In that moment, within that hurt, if I could’ve taken a step back and examined the situation from a different perspective maybe the outcome would’ve been different. If we could’ve had those difficult conversations, maybe things would’ve changed between us.
But then again maybe not. If I’d been able to ask him why his interest in having sex with me tanked so much I have no idea if it would’ve opened him up to answering honestly.
And really that part doesn’t matter now since we’re no longer married. I have no desire to go back and revisit this with him. What matters now is how I manage this rut as I move into new relationships.
I used to think I just needed to smooth out the rut or bury it. To cover it up with a platitude or sunshiny slogan.
But none of this worked because it’s a bit like putting a bandaid over a splinter in your finger. The rut never went away. It lingered on.
Then I happened to read this quote from The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey:
The groove may be there, but you’re not in it unless you put yourself there.
So the answer isn’t about getting rid of the rut but rather not putting myself back into it. How does Timothy suggest I do this?
By changing my thinking and by creating a new healthier rut — one that affirms my value and reminds me that I’m okay. This takes time, energy, and most of all persistence. It takes noticing when I slip back into that old narrative and then shifting my focus to the new one.
It also takes paying attention to how I talk to myself — to my internal dialog. This involves being aware when negative self-talk ramps up and switching to a kinder voice.
In the end, it’s about creating new habits.
Timothy affirms this by saying, “Don’t fight old habits. Just start new ones.”
New and improved habits create new and improved ruts.
Healthier habits also form by setting the blame card aside and pulling out the empathy card instead and remembering that a person’s behavior may not be about me. Maybe it’s about something going on inside of them.
If blame erects a wall then empathy smashes it down. By shifting my focus to what’s happening inside the person in front of me I develop the habit of moving toward someone with the intention to connect and to understand.
kasey sparks, © 2023
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