When My Best Friends Leave
The world looks a little dimmer after that.
When I say ‘leave’, I didn’t mean that we parted in a bad way. I meant when you realize that you won’t be able to see them daily ever again, it’s like reliving your high school days.
I am a sucker at this, having best friends means the world to me. It’s a blessing and a curse, sadly. Once you have one, you just want to see them everyday like at school.
But growing up means that you’ll lose them too. We may have the same interests, do things together, and have something in common together. But we all have different goals that will take us to different paths, tearing us away.
And I learned it the hard way.
It first started when many of us are transferring schools, but I stayed because I didn’t plan on moving abroad to study. So I stayed in the same school we used to attend.
That’s when my world drastically changed.
Sure, I congratulate the school for earning more and more students each year, it sounds grand. But to me, without my best friends, it didn’t sound as grand as it seems.
The school looked dimmer to me. The classrooms are full, but there are no connections. There are so many people, but no circles.
For the first time in my life, I felt alone. There used to be someone whom I can count on to watch my back, someone to talk to when the subjects are getting difficult, someone to have social plans with.
Everyone else seems to have their best friends. They had what I didn’t have back then, I was that kid who would sit at the table alone, minding her own business. I used to do my homework and schoolwork with someone, but that time, I had to learn how to do it alone. It was miserable.
Sure, there were other friends, but we weren’t able to make any spark of connection. Some of my friends, whom I used to hang out with, slowly drifted away. Asking for help sounded like looking to bother people. I never had social anxiety, but that day I had.
I missed my best friends terribly, they were like family to me. I was still able to contact them thanks to social media and instant messages. But it wasn’t enough to keep us talking everyday like we used to. Everyone has their own duties and made new friends already, and living a new life in different places means a new schedule. We weren’t able to catch up much like we used to.
I was slowly losing my mind there for six months. Amazing, how a school I attended my whole life gradually became toxic to me. It was heavy poison, gradually seeping into me until I break. I was dreading to go to school, subjects became more difficult and I didn’t have enough help, there were more social pressures, and I had no support. The world is slowly falling apart.
I knew I was at my limit, so I eventually moved out and started anew. I made new friends and able to build myself again.
I haven’t had that experience for a long time. When I started college, I had a few best friends. Although the same thing happened, I managed to control my feelings so that what I felt years ago wouldn’t come up again. I became closer to friends who I know would be there for me and vise versa. I wasn’t the most popular or having a lot of friends, I came to appreciate having a smaller circle of friends.
It was less painful and it was easier to understand who would want to be there for me. That way, I don’t have to label someone traitor as I almost did back in high school.
As I work, I repeated the same steps I implemented in college. Pick the one I know who would want to help me and I would do in return, an eye for an eye. I became best pals with a few colleagues at work, we did almost everything together, like high school friends.
But today, I found out one of my best pals at work is resigning. Sure, I didn’t lose all my best friends at once like in high school. But losing one felt like the lights went a little dimmer. The office begin to look lonelier and it saddens me.
I will miss him too. He was one of my best friends and colleague who guided me at work, humble, and self-sacrificing. Learning that he’ll leave by the end of this month hurts me a lot. I already lost one back in March because she had to go back to her home country, and now I am losing another one?
Must I go through what I experienced back in high school again? Sure, there is still some of my circle of friends, but what if they all leave too? I was new in that circle, the new one in the company.
But I cannot stop his decision to leave, so I can only wish for him the best and hope that we can still keep in touch. I was still able to contact my colleague friend who left for her own country, so I hope it’d be the same for him.
What did I learn from that experience? Well, there were three things:
- Friends come and go, even your best mates.
- Learn to do things by ourselves.
- Enjoy your own company.
Truthfully, I envy people who are still able to see and contact their best friends. I miss my own best friends, this is also actually one of the reasons why I wanted to build my own business. So that if I want to see my best friends, who are living in other countries or working in another area, I can just pick my own schedule to see them.
There’s actually one more important thing I learned as well. I didn’t put it about there because this one is more of a sense of gratitude.
Appreciate the little times you have with them.
You never know when they will be leaving and when they do, you’d wish you could spend more time with them.
To my best friends, and if you are reading this, I hope we can meet each other again.
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