When love goes to waste

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2020

Abstract

ead out but then he stopped me. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends at the extended version of his celebration. I don’t know if I accepted the invite because I was feeling guilty or the sheer imagination of surplus food, I did anyways. It was sort of a lunch setting, round table and we sat beside each other. We had such a magical chemistry and I think everyone there noticed it. Strangers began to tease me and soon they elevated our relationship. ‘Maybe I should explore it’, I thought, what’s the worst that could happen?We spent every CDS day together, getting to know each other and growing on each other. He was (is) absolutely the sweetest person I had (have) ever met. He was perfect and I know there’s no such thing as perfect but believe me when I say he was (I am yelling). I knew it then, I still know it now. It doesn’t really get better than him and that’s where the trouble began.The more he wanted me, the more I folded. I didn’t feel good enough for him. I fooled myself into thinking I loved him enough to let him go. The whole time I was just being a coward who wouldn’t let a grown man (okay, he was pretty young so imma stop myself right there) make his own decisions.It happened slowly- the disappearing, the running, and the never-ending cancellations. He was loving and always understood. I tried to tell him, I didn’t feel worthy of his love. He was too pure for a damaged soul like me. Couldn’t he see it? I was going to taint him!Service year ended and that was the beginning of our ending. I always cancelled even when I wanted nothing more than to weave my fingers in his and make poems out of his laugh. I was doing him a favor, untying the knots we had made, setting him free of a love that was destined to burn him.Two years and he was still waiting, I bumped into him at a job test center. I must have hugged him a 100 times because I honestly couldn’t face him, hugs also prevent eye c

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ontact and they honestly felt safe. I determined in my heart to make it work this time, this boy was a keeper. I know I am unreasonable but this, Uche, letting him go would be the height of your foolishness. We kept in touch and yes, I disappeared again.I know, it’s selfish for me to view his social media stories and get jealous when a female is smiling too hard or standing too close. I do not have the right to be jealous but I am. Part of me wants him to wait for me (again, I am unreasonable) until I am ready. But will I ever be ready? What defines readiness? and is it just an excuse to evade commitment? Three years have gone by and I don’t feel any more ready than the first year, so what’s readiness really?Our relationship has reduced to acquaintances, I just wished him a happy birthday and that sent me on a trip down memory lane. I let his love go to waste and now I can’t seem to find love anywhere. Maybe I am not looking actively but who am I kidding? Your girl is lonely and in need of someone to tell how her day went!I feel at peace knowing that I genuinely fixed things with him. I still feel I did the right thing, if we ever found ourselves a time machine and we went back, I’d make the same decisions. He deserved the best and that wasn’t me, at least not then. I was still peeling the layers of myself I had hidden for so long, I was healing and you know how divergent the path of healing is. It was a journey for one. I still think of what we could have been, you know all our super cute pictures and miserable fights that I have to win, the warmth of his blanket of love and the joys of having someone in your corner.I did the right thing though, love is not selfish, I am proof of that (this might be an attempt to make myself seem reasonable, don’t fall for it). I miss him every day (or semiweekly, who’s counting) and I hope the next time love comes around I don’t thrash it before it’s expiry date.</article></body>

And you can’t seem to find it anywhere now!

Twenty seventeen, fresh out of college. My country (Nigeria) mandates every graduate to serve the nation for one year, maybe an act to instil altruism in us, I don’t know. I (and so many others) don’t see the point but of course, we had no choice. The certificate issued at the of the service year is required for employment in the future. Well, except you’re heading the entrepreneur direction. I didn’t think I was back then, you know, I had a pretty good idea of what my life was going to look like and I can tell you for free that it looks nothing like what I had imagined (which is good, I guess).

The ‘service’ required us to work at a firm, mostly in a government parastatal to gain experience while dedicating one day of the week for community development service (CDS). The two worked hand in hand, neglecting either could mean you’d have your service year extended (no, thank you).

It was there I met him. It was his birthday and he was celebrating it at the center, no I believe I met him a week earlier and coincidentally, we attended the same college, what were the odds right? We exchanged numbers and me being me, I didn’t save his number (you see I have this bad habit of not saving numbers). Hell, I didn’t remember his name and so when a mutual friend asked me to stay behind to wish him a happy birthday I wanted nothing more than to run. He (the mutual friend) had no idea I had met him before, I know he regrets it but that’s a story for another day.

I played it cool, wished him a happy birthday, and started to head out but then he stopped me. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends at the extended version of his celebration. I don’t know if I accepted the invite because I was feeling guilty or the sheer imagination of surplus food, I did anyways. It was sort of a lunch setting, round table and we sat beside each other. We had such a magical chemistry and I think everyone there noticed it. Strangers began to tease me and soon they elevated our relationship. ‘Maybe I should explore it’, I thought, what’s the worst that could happen?

We spent every CDS day together, getting to know each other and growing on each other. He was (is) absolutely the sweetest person I had (have) ever met. He was perfect and I know there’s no such thing as perfect but believe me when I say he was (I am yelling). I knew it then, I still know it now. It doesn’t really get better than him and that’s where the trouble began.

The more he wanted me, the more I folded. I didn’t feel good enough for him. I fooled myself into thinking I loved him enough to let him go. The whole time I was just being a coward who wouldn’t let a grown man (okay, he was pretty young so imma stop myself right there) make his own decisions.

It happened slowly- the disappearing, the running, and the never-ending cancellations. He was loving and always understood. I tried to tell him, I didn’t feel worthy of his love. He was too pure for a damaged soul like me. Couldn’t he see it? I was going to taint him!

Service year ended and that was the beginning of our ending. I always cancelled even when I wanted nothing more than to weave my fingers in his and make poems out of his laugh. I was doing him a favor, untying the knots we had made, setting him free of a love that was destined to burn him.

Two years and he was still waiting, I bumped into him at a job test center. I must have hugged him a 100 times because I honestly couldn’t face him, hugs also prevent eye contact and they honestly felt safe. I determined in my heart to make it work this time, this boy was a keeper. I know I am unreasonable but this, Uche, letting him go would be the height of your foolishness. We kept in touch and yes, I disappeared again.

I know, it’s selfish for me to view his social media stories and get jealous when a female is smiling too hard or standing too close. I do not have the right to be jealous but I am. Part of me wants him to wait for me (again, I am unreasonable) until I am ready. But will I ever be ready? What defines readiness? and is it just an excuse to evade commitment? Three years have gone by and I don’t feel any more ready than the first year, so what’s readiness really?

Our relationship has reduced to acquaintances, I just wished him a happy birthday and that sent me on a trip down memory lane. I let his love go to waste and now I can’t seem to find love anywhere. Maybe I am not looking actively but who am I kidding? Your girl is lonely and in need of someone to tell how her day went!

I feel at peace knowing that I genuinely fixed things with him. I still feel I did the right thing, if we ever found ourselves a time machine and we went back, I’d make the same decisions. He deserved the best and that wasn’t me, at least not then. I was still peeling the layers of myself I had hidden for so long, I was healing and you know how divergent the path of healing is. It was a journey for one. I still think of what we could have been, you know all our super cute pictures and miserable fights that I have to win, the warmth of his blanket of love and the joys of having someone in your corner.

I did the right thing though, love is not selfish, I am proof of that (this might be an attempt to make myself seem reasonable, don’t fall for it). I miss him every day (or semiweekly, who’s counting) and I hope the next time love comes around I don’t thrash it before it’s expiry date.