RELATIONSHIPS
When Love Doesn't Live Here Any More
It's time to get out of Dodge
Way, way back in ninety five, in the midst of a very acrimonious divorce there was a point when my ex wife screamed at me "You don't know what love is." I have to say that that for some reason cut right through to my heart. All those years, which were the best years of my life, I had given her my time and energy, my support and attention, my respect and dedication, in a word I had given her my life.
I presume she was pretending to know what love was, and her twisted idea of that beautiful concept was a sly shag-fest with her boss behind my back whilst I slaved away looking after our three young children and worked to pay the bills. How stupid of me to not know what true love was, what a cretin I must have been.
Another time I overheard her telling her best friend that I didn't 'nourish' her. Really. Well what this tells me is that it was all about her, me, me, me, me...... Never once did she show the slightest interest in my needs, or if she did it was clearly along the lines of me needing a damn good kick in the balls, a selling down the river with malicious lies and a large dose of emasculation.
This is the mindset of an arrogant, selfish, over self-entitled, toxic and narcissistic monster. And yet......like a lot of these type of people she comes across as very charming and convincing person. Of course, this type know exactly how and when to turn on the charm to suit whoever happens to be within earshot.
I once had a student called Maria, a truly lovely woman, who went through the self same nightmare. Maria's boyfriend treated her appallingly, but of course only when there was nobody else around. He spoke to her so nastily it was effecting her mental health. And yet he spoke ever so lovingly of her to others. He also used to hit her in places where the bruises wouldn't show. In other words he was a total and utter bastard. Poor Maria did try to talk about it with her family and friends and they not only refused to believe her, they actually chastised her for speaking badly about her monster. In the end Maria gave up trying to seek solace amongst her trusted ones and ran as fast as she could away from that swine.
And that is the best advice anybody can give you when you find yourself in that situation, just cut and run as fast and as far as your legs can carry you. Of course it, is easier said than done. You maybe suffering a degree of emotional dependancy on your tormentor. Even worse you might be financially dependant on them too. And that I am afraid to say is what they prey upon, knowing that you 'need' them.
I once had a friend who was having an affair with a married woman whose husband mistreated her. Talk about complicated. My friend was who was emotionally dependant upon the woman and she for her part was dependant on her husband. My friend was hopeful that one day she would do as promised and leave her husband to set up with him. The problem was that her husband was an incredibly successful business man who spoiled her with a brand new BMW every year, multiple exotic holidays abroad, credit cards galore and he owned the house her mother lived in. If the woman left her husband all that would go and her mother would end up on the streets. Not nice.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people will remain in a bad situation, devoid of any real love simply because they are too afraid of the consequences of leaving.
For me, no amount of material wealth would keep me in a loveless marriage and I am long past investing too much emotional dependancy in somebody who is just not worth it.