When Love Comes but Time Is Not Enough (part 2)

A fragment from the diary of a terminally ill man

Thursday

I woke up incredibly refreshed and rested. I even asked myself, “What am I doing in a hospital after feeling so good?” The next moment, however, I saw the needle stuck in my arm and the bank hanging next to me. Why did I feel so good? Wasn’t I supposed to be desperate, throwing up all day and cursing my fate? Clearly, God was playing a joke on me. What I wouldn’t give to hear the magic words — “You’ll live!”. It would have been wonderful — I would have been the man I wanted to be and I probably would have given my all to earn Faith.

But the world isn’t perfect and naturally, I won’t live much longer, but a few more days. But what days they will be! I’m glad my wonderful Faith showed up to bring light into my gray hospital life. When she is near me even the old man’s incessant coughing doesn’t annoy me. I hope she comes soon!

She came to me during her lunch break. She wasn’t obliged to, but she did. Apparently, I am not indifferent to her and my masculine charm has an effect on her. We only spent 30 minutes, and it seemed to me that it was much longer. I was so into her that I didn’t even realize when I had eaten the tasteless lunch that I generally don’t even look at.

We talked about various things and all of them were pleasant. I was grateful that Faith never once mentioned the words “sickness” and “death” and didn’t perceive me as someone at death’s door. This woman made me forget about everything — about the system and the drugs, about the injections. I felt so at ease in her presence, so I could trust her with everything — all my dreams and fears.

Of course, the fears were much more, and the dreams seemed like pale shadows, but all that didn’t matter because she was here and she was making me happy. How was it possible for such an ideal woman to exist and not to have met her before? But how could I have met her when I spent most of my time at the gym or the bar? Such a woman wouldn’t set foot there. She knows her price, and in circumstances other than hospitals, she’d be unlikely to have anything to do with me.

And I used to think the terminally ill were miserable people. Well, now I can disprove my own opinion. I have one perfectly sufficient reason to feel “lucky” to be in hospital, and that is Faith. I talk like I’m in love. Isn’t that true? But I also hit the worst possible time to fall in love. Typical me. It would probably be a lot easier to define my condition if I had experienced something like this before, but I haven’t and I can only guess. Is this love?

Friday

I am in love! There is no doubt about that! I didn’t blink all night. I thought about Faith and how she managed to change my life in just a few days. No one had done it before. But she did! She is different! She is the woman I love and want to spend my last moments on this earth with!

It’s strange how the people we meet briefly in life can change us completely. Here, the same thing happened to me. I’m lying in my hospital bed with my eyes fixed on the white ceiling that looks like it’s going to collapse on me at any moment, thinking about Faith — my wonderful nurse. I feel no pain nor bitterness that in just a few days I will be gone from this world. I have met love and it fills my life with meaning. I didn’t live in vain.

I may not live to be 85, but I also have been fortunate to touch the greatest feeling. And isn’t it those who have touched love that live; isn’t it they say it is not how long you have lived that matters, but how? I wasn’t proud of my life before I found out I was terminally ill, but now that Faith has helped me discover that life is wonderful, I feel a little more at peace.

God sent her to me for a reason. Obviously, He still believes in me; believes that I can be a good person. How nice it sounds — He believes in me; He loves me… I’ll be happy if God forgives me for the mistakes I made. But enough of that, here she comes…

Faith moved me to tears today. She said she would bring decorations and balloons for my birthday tomorrow. I told her I didn’t need to since it was on Monday and there was no telling if I would be alive to celebrate it, but she insisted and I agreed. To be honest, I was very happy that she was so insistent. I’ve just lived to see my 33rd birthday and it will be great to spend it with Faith. Well, the old man will be here too, but at least he won’t be eating out of my cake because he has no teeth anyway.

Saturday

When I woke up and looked at the bed next to me, it was empty. I thought to myself, “He must be gone.” I felt ashamed, because yesterday I was glad he wasn’t going to eat of my cake, and today I found out that the man had died. People sometimes don’t think about what they are saying and are very cruel. I fall into that category too.

After a while, the previous nurse came into the room, tending to me with a smile on her face. I frowned and asked her how it was possible for her to be happy after a man had died, and she replied in amazement, “Didn’t you understand — the old man came out unscathed? They discharged him and his relatives took him in.”

I was shocked. How was it possible that an 85-year-old old man, whom everyone had already given up, could muster the strength to go on living? Actualy, love really makes miracles. But what an irony — they discharged him and I am the young man waiting for death to take me in. But he recovered because his loved ones supported him. He knew they would suffer for him and that gave him the strength to fight for his life. Well, for me, there will hardly be anyone to suffer except … Faith, I hope. It would be nice to be missed by at least one person.

Here, that hospital room took on a whole new look. Faith decorated it with garlands and balloons. I marvel at the diligence of this woman. She’s so busy and yet she found time to brighten up my room.

When it was time to say goodbye, I took her hand. I hadn’t done that before and she was a little startled at first, but then she looked at me and smiled. I hadn’t touched a hand that tender. It was like velvet — so soft that my fingers were sinking gently into her skin. Faith sat down next to me on the bed and I quietly said to her, “I don’t know if I’ll live until Monday to ask you to make me a present then, so I’ll ask you now: will you kiss me? It will be very sad for me if I die without having been able to kiss the woman I love.”

She, evidently moved by my words and with tears in her eyes, replied, “You needn’t ask me to kiss you. I was going to do it anyway.”

And she kissed me. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was really in heaven… Then Faith left, and I, staring at the receding silhouette, whispered: “Thank you…”

Sunday

Today is probably my last day in this world and yet I am not sad. I can still feel Faith’s lips on mine and maybe that’s why I’m so optimistic. I can’t wait to see her. How will she behave with me today? She said she would bring a cake for my birthday. It’ll be good to have a sweet treat like last time.

I’m going to die, God, why did you do this to me??? I want to die! I had to die first, not her — my Faith, my hope and love! And why exactly she, why didn’t someone else die in this terrible car accident? And on the scene, she died on the scene — run over by an 18-year-old drunk kid who got his licence two months ago… No, that can’t be true, not my Faith…

WHY, God, do you first give me hope and then take it away? Why did you take away the only good thing in my life? And I, the sinner, the selfish man, the man of vice, am still alive and poisoning the world with my presence… You are not just, God, you are not just…

Time of death: 1:12, Monday, March 12 He still turned 33 and got the best gift of all — he met his great love again…

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