When Life Events Trigger a Memory Collage, Roll with It
My daughter’s upcoming wedding brings up a lot of memories.
Whenever life-changing events happen, it is a good time to look back at high points leading up to them. My brain starts a sort of slide show.
My youngest daughter is engaged. We knew it was coming and we love her fiancé. It is very happy news.
My mind instantly flashed back on holding her in the hospital after a fairly quick birth. She was our second baby and took roughly half the time as our first to be born. Twelve hours isn’t bad.
Moments in our mother-daughter relationship are drifting through my thoughts now. They shift in time and make a collage of the last twenty-six years. They are completely out of chronological order. My need for order keeps organizing them. Most are good, some are sad.
- The excitement of the stick tip turning blue. It had been ten months of ovulation kits and sticks refusing to turn blue.
- Finding a cute maternity shirt in a second-hand store.
- Waiting beside a drive-thru fast food window as my stomach lurched. The feel of the bag found on the floor of the car as my morning sickness manifested. Glancing up at the girl in the window holding my food has stuck forever. I still laugh, knowing I am one of her “When I was working fast food” stories.
- Cuddling with my little baby girl.
- Watching her older sister cuddle her.
- Holding hands with the girl’s father, back when we were still married. Watching our daughters sleep.
- Reading bedtime stories. Sometimes in the afternoon.
- Standing in the kitchen, trying not to fight with my ex-husband, while the girls watched.
- Laying in bed with the girls, watching Disney movies. Feeling overwhelmed with love for them. I was determined to be a good parent, even if we now had a broken home.
- Introducing her to Mickey Mouse and the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland.
- Having our nails and hair done together the day of my wedding.
- Listening to her read me bedtime stories. Usually in the afternoon.
- Watching her on a horse, taking charge. Feeling that my daughter was growing up. I better pay attention.
- More Disneyland trips all merge together. Snapshots of rides and hugs and too many sodas.
- Seeing her run a Brownie troop meeting when she was ten. The kids were listening, and everyone was having fun. Holding my hands behind my back and squeezing whenever I felt like getting involved. This was her show and she was running it perfectly.
- Working hard to step back and let her learn and grow. Reminding myself not to step in until she asks. Feeling my heart swell. She was growing so fast.
- Listening to secrets and promising not to tell.
- Meeting her first boyfriend. Loving him a little, too. Watching them together and feeling happy.
- High school, then college graduations.
- Sitting on a barstool while she mixed a drink. She knew I would love it. I did.
- Sharing season tickets to numerous musicals over the years. Her excitement over Phantom of the Opera and Rent. Our tears over Spring Awakening.
- Visiting her first apartment. Then her second, this time sharing with her latest boyfriend.
- Realizing her latest boyfriend is probably her forever boyfriend. Being happy about that.
My next big entry in the memory slide show looks to be their wedding. I am happy and excited for her. If I squint a little, I can still see her riding that horse. A smile on her face with the horse’s tail swishing.
If I could pick and choose the individual moments my brain is organizing into a slide show, all the moments would have that look on her face. The loving life, horsetail swishing look.
The next time I see that look, it will probably be as she walks down an aisle to her future husband.
I can’t wait.
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