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Abstract

. All we could do was to keep her company as much as possible and help relieve her pain through medication. Occasionally, she had to breathe with the aid of a ventilator.This diagnosis was given a couple of months before I knew I was pregnant for the very first time. She almost left us for a couple of times, and miraculously survived again. My new pregnancy brought some new lively energy into our daily conversations. It was lovely to see her face light up and to have her nag lovingly about whether I was eating enough tonics to nourish my unborn child and me.I was so grateful that my Grandma was still alive when my first child was born. She passed away peacefully 4 months later.As I am writing out this story, it suddenly occurred to me why I was so anxious in those early months in taking care of my newborn. I had nightmares about him being in danger whenever I fell asleep and was very sleep-deprived. My newborn seemed to sense my anxiety and cried a lot more often as compared to his two younger brothers when they were just born.I didn’t realize that my disturbing fear of death was because of this constant thought that my Grandma was going to die anytime soon. I often felt more sad and anxious rather than delight in the beautiful aliveness of my newborn.I felt much safer and joyous in the company of my new baby a few months after my Grandma passed away.<h1 id="599c">Sharing one main takeaway</h1>Our pregnancies and birth experiences are such powerful life events that can continue to affect how we connect to our c

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hildren and to ourselves.We become much more vulnerable to whatever is happening in our lives during this critical period of growing new lives inside of us and in the first few months of taking care of our newborn babies.You could be deeply affected by:<ul><li>prominent world events occurring at that time</li><li>family dramas happening at that time</li><li>personal arguments with your family members and friends</li><li>encountering an identity crisis as you try to embrace what it is like being a mother</li></ul>It is so easy to get caught up in trying to recover our health post-partum and looking after our babies that we forget to take time to process all the subtle complexities that we experienced in this critical period.Now that my three sons are old enough to enter daycare/school, I try to take some time to keep reflecting on how I experienced my pregnancies and birth experiences.Every short reflection gives me clues to what I was actually processing or resisting to acknowledge at that time.Processing all these experiences helps to bring me closer to my sons, my husband, my mother, the rest of my family, and myself. It helps me to release painful feelings and beliefs that no longer serve my highest good. It helps me to focus more deeply in the here and now.I hope this serves as a gentle reminder for you to keep on reflecting, processing, and integrating all these precious life lessons in these significant life events as a mother, or father too!</article></body>

When Life and Death Crisscrossed in My Life

A Tiny Life Moment on entering motherhood and feeling grief.

Image by Author. Photographer: Kenny Pek

The moment

It felt so surreal.

The moment when I was finally able to see and hold my first newborn son in my arms, trying my best to soothe him with my warmth, and hoping he could feel safe in my love too.

Getting him to suckle on my breast for the very first time, with the aid of a nurse.

“Please don’t die. Please don’t die.” I heard myself repeat in my head before I fell into a deep slumber due to sheer exhaustion.

Reflection

The whole process of giving birth to this little guy was just so epic. I never realized that one could experience birth contractions for 3 days. After that, I spent 16 hours in the delivery room on Valentine’s Day with my husband who fed me little pieces of chocolate to keep me going.

It was nothing like I ever imagined. I was so proud of myself for giving birth naturally without any pain medication. And so relieved that no one died.

Why was I so disturbingly obsessed with the idea of someone dying?

Because my beloved maternal Grandma’s doctor gave us this grim diagnosis that she would most likely die within a few months. Her internal organs were failing. All we could do was to keep her company as much as possible and help relieve her pain through medication. Occasionally, she had to breathe with the aid of a ventilator.

This diagnosis was given a couple of months before I knew I was pregnant for the very first time. She almost left us for a couple of times, and miraculously survived again. My new pregnancy brought some new lively energy into our daily conversations. It was lovely to see her face light up and to have her nag lovingly about whether I was eating enough tonics to nourish my unborn child and me.

I was so grateful that my Grandma was still alive when my first child was born. She passed away peacefully 4 months later.

As I am writing out this story, it suddenly occurred to me why I was so anxious in those early months in taking care of my newborn. I had nightmares about him being in danger whenever I fell asleep and was very sleep-deprived. My newborn seemed to sense my anxiety and cried a lot more often as compared to his two younger brothers when they were just born.

I didn’t realize that my disturbing fear of death was because of this constant thought that my Grandma was going to die anytime soon. I often felt more sad and anxious rather than delight in the beautiful aliveness of my newborn.

I felt much safer and joyous in the company of my new baby a few months after my Grandma passed away.

Sharing one main takeaway

Our pregnancies and birth experiences are such powerful life events that can continue to affect how we connect to our children and to ourselves.

We become much more vulnerable to whatever is happening in our lives during this critical period of growing new lives inside of us and in the first few months of taking care of our newborn babies.

You could be deeply affected by:

prominent world events occurring at that time
family dramas happening at that time
personal arguments with your family members and friends
encountering an identity crisis as you try to embrace what it is like being a mother

It is so easy to get caught up in trying to recover our health post-partum and looking after our babies that we forget to take time to process all the subtle complexities that we experienced in this critical period.

Now that my three sons are old enough to enter daycare/school, I try to take some time to keep reflecting on how I experienced my pregnancies and birth experiences.

Every short reflection gives me clues to what I was actually processing or resisting to acknowledge at that time.

Processing all these experiences helps to bring me closer to my sons, my husband, my mother, the rest of my family, and myself. It helps me to release painful feelings and beliefs that no longer serve my highest good. It helps me to focus more deeply in the here and now.

I hope this serves as a gentle reminder for you to keep on reflecting, processing, and integrating all these precious life lessons in these significant life events as a mother, or father too!