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Abstract

ded again that your main squeeze is on the road.4. When you’re in quarantine for the COVID-19 virus. Why then? Given you might be contagious? Well, hell, if you’re in quarantine and you can find someone ready, willing, and available, more power to you. So why the hell not? No telling how that story is going to end anyway, so you might as well put a little love twist on it.5. When hell freezes over: Wait, isn’t that just a figure of speech? Well, given climate change, anything could happen. We know the ice caps are melting. We know Antarctica had a record temp of 63 degrees recently. So the vice versa is proving true.Since I don’t know exactly what or where hell is and how likely it is to freeze given climate change, I felt I could go out on another limb with this one.6. If your lover is from another planet: I say this sorta doesn’t count. How many times is this likely to happen, anyway? I’d say if you get the opportunity, say yes in the interests of science. And take photos and good notes.You are not doing it for you; you’re doing it for humanity. And while you’re at it, see if they can help us escape from climate change. Maybe their planet is inhabitable. If so, make a reservation for me, ’cause after all, I gave you permission. Oh, and it’s probably a good idea to make a reservation for your spouse as well. We’re just cheating on him or her, not exterminating.7. If your lover is a brother from another planet: Remember that <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087004/">John Sayles movie</a>? Wasn’t Joe Morton cute? That’s why I say if he or another brother just as cute shows up, nab him. Or at least, call me if you’re not interested.I’m not married, so it wouldn’t even count as cheating. But if you do end up with him, watch out for those claw-ish toenails. The point is to have fun, not get impaled.8. When everyone else has drunk the Kool-Aid: This is a no-brainer. Even if it’s metaphorical Kool-Aid, which is much more likely and gives you a lot of room for interpretation. So thank me for this one. I’ve let you off

Options

easy.9. If Trump gets re-elected in November: This is a therapeutic f*ck. Not a permanent solution, but we are all going to be really messed up and messed over. If he wins, it will go to his head, and he’ll think he’s just been elected emperor for life or some such B.S.No telling what he’ll do with that, but it will feel like the beginning of the end, like when hell freezes over only worse. Or a version of everyone having drunk the Kool-Aid. Even though I said this, I would feel better if your partner were doing the same thing.10. When the rapture comes: Now if the rapture comes, you may want to experience it with your main squeeze. Especially if the two of you have been waiting for the rapture together.Just in case that is not the case, or if your main squeeze has been looking forward to the rapture with rapture, but it does nothing for you, you have my permission. Not my blessing, just in case — after all, I don’t want St. Peter holding me responsible for your indiscretion. So I can’t give you my blessing, just a little wave of permission while I glance the other way.That’s it. Ten and only ten times. However, if all ten of these happen and you find yourself with a paramour during all ten, my hat is off to you. You win the Decadent Decathalon, which is not easy to do.All the rest of us, keep our hands and other body parts to ourselves. After all, there is a pandemic going on. And if that doesn’t stop you, at least be safe. Use hand sanitizer (impossible to get right now, which is why I feel safe saying this) and lots of condoms.You want to survive the affair after all, don’t you? Live to tell and write about it. I hear True Confessions pays pretty good.Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times.</article></body>

Humor

When it’s Okay to Cheat on Your Partner

The delicate art of timeliness

Some folks avow that it’s never okay to cheat on your partner. Yet people do it all the time. What is it they know that the naysayers don’t? What is the secret sauce, so to speak?

It’s all in the timing. I’m not really s’posed to spill these beans, but when they had me swear to secrecy, I had my fingers crossed behind my back. That way, I could share this wisdom and make pennies on the dollar for it if I can get you to laugh.

Ten times when it’s okay to cheat on your partner:

1.When Mercury goes retrograde: Now I’m no astrologer, but Mercury is merciless. Especially on machines. Especially computers and cars. So when Mercury is in retrograde AND your computer AND your car break down, life really, really sucks. It’s not really okay, but you’ve got a great excuse.

2. When you lose the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes: You know the envelope that comes in the mail that says, you might have already won? Well, that is false advertising. But how many of us get our hopes up each time we get one of those mailings, and so want to believe the hype?

The let- down is so huge we need to take our comfort somewhere. So if your main squeeze is on the road, I say, it’s okay to take a lover. It beats taking a powder.

3. When you win the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes: now this one is a long shot. In fact, it is such a long shot that I am going way out on a limb here. I’m saying if you actually win the sweepstakes and are rollin’ in the dough, not only will no one believe you, but if you actually have the cash, why the “f” not? At least for a one night stand in celebration, provided again that your main squeeze is on the road.

4. When you’re in quarantine for the COVID-19 virus. Why then? Given you might be contagious? Well, hell, if you’re in quarantine and you can find someone ready, willing, and available, more power to you. So why the hell not? No telling how that story is going to end anyway, so you might as well put a little love twist on it.

5. When hell freezes over: Wait, isn’t that just a figure of speech? Well, given climate change, anything could happen. We know the ice caps are melting. We know Antarctica had a record temp of 63 degrees recently. So the vice versa is proving true.

Since I don’t know exactly what or where hell is and how likely it is to freeze given climate change, I felt I could go out on another limb with this one.

6. If your lover is from another planet: I say this sorta doesn’t count. How many times is this likely to happen, anyway? I’d say if you get the opportunity, say yes in the interests of science. And take photos and good notes.

You are not doing it for you; you’re doing it for humanity. And while you’re at it, see if they can help us escape from climate change. Maybe their planet is inhabitable. If so, make a reservation for me, ’cause after all, I gave you permission. Oh, and it’s probably a good idea to make a reservation for your spouse as well. We’re just cheating on him or her, not exterminating.

7. If your lover is a brother from another planet: Remember that John Sayles movie? Wasn’t Joe Morton cute? That’s why I say if he or another brother just as cute shows up, nab him. Or at least, call me if you’re not interested.

I’m not married, so it wouldn’t even count as cheating. But if you do end up with him, watch out for those claw-ish toenails. The point is to have fun, not get impaled.

8. When everyone else has drunk the Kool-Aid: This is a no-brainer. Even if it’s metaphorical Kool-Aid, which is much more likely and gives you a lot of room for interpretation. So thank me for this one. I’ve let you off easy.

9. If Trump gets re-elected in November: This is a therapeutic f*ck. Not a permanent solution, but we are all going to be really messed up and messed over. If he wins, it will go to his head, and he’ll think he’s just been elected emperor for life or some such B.S.

No telling what he’ll do with that, but it will feel like the beginning of the end, like when hell freezes over only worse. Or a version of everyone having drunk the Kool-Aid. Even though I said this, I would feel better if your partner were doing the same thing.

10. When the rapture comes: Now if the rapture comes, you may want to experience it with your main squeeze. Especially if the two of you have been waiting for the rapture together.

Just in case that is not the case, or if your main squeeze has been looking forward to the rapture with rapture, but it does nothing for you, you have my permission. Not my blessing, just in case — after all, I don’t want St. Peter holding me responsible for your indiscretion. So I can’t give you my blessing, just a little wave of permission while I glance the other way.

That’s it. Ten and only ten times. However, if all ten of these happen and you find yourself with a paramour during all ten, my hat is off to you. You win the Decadent Decathalon, which is not easy to do.

All the rest of us, keep our hands and other body parts to ourselves. After all, there is a pandemic going on. And if that doesn’t stop you, at least be safe. Use hand sanitizer (impossible to get right now, which is why I feel safe saying this) and lots of condoms.

You want to survive the affair after all, don’t you? Live to tell and write about it. I hear True Confessions pays pretty good.

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times.