When I stopped Negotiating

Summary

The author describes a personal philosophy shift from traditional dating to "elevating" relationships by removing the transactional aspect of spending time with others, focusing on genuine connections without expectations.

Abstract

The author, who identifies as single, reflects on the prompt "When did I stop dating?" and realizes that they no longer view social interactions as dating but as opportunities to "elevate" relationships. This transformation occurred when the author stopped seeking a relationship and became open to connections that develop naturally, without negotiation or specific expectations. The author emphasizes the importance of spending quality time with people, regardless of their relationship to them, and cherishes friendships that are free from ulterior motives. They recall the influence of their friend Gerry, who modeled generosity by covering the costs of shared adventures, emphasizing the value of experiences over material exchanges. While the author acknowledges the potential for physical relationships, they prioritize strong, pre-existing friendships and the risk of altering them with physical intimacy. The essay concludes with an open invitation to share quality time over coffee, reinforcing the author's commitment to meaningful, non-transactional interactions.

Opinions

Dating has been replaced by the concept of "elevating" relationships in the author's life.
The author believes that the best interactions are those free from negotiations and expectations.
Relationships should be about mutual enjoyment of each other's company, not about what each party can gain.
The author values friendships highly and is cautious about introducing physical intimacy that might jeopardize them.
Generosity and shared experiences are seen as more valuable than financial transactions, as exemplified by the author's friend Gerry.
The author is open to a relationship but does not actively seek one, preferring organic development.
Quality time is the cornerstone of the author's approach to relationships, whether with friends, family, or potential romantic interests.

Monday: I don’t date, I elevate

I read the prompt and asked myself “When did I stop dating?” I didn’t even ask if I was still dating. I identified with the prompt. I don’t date, I elevate. With me being single, it might seem an unusual thing to say. I go out less now because of the pandemic, but I haven’t thought of myself dating in quite a while. I guess it is when I surrendered. When I stopped looking for a relationship, I stopped dating. That is not saying I am not open to a relationship. It just means if one does happen it will happen naturally or not. I am fine either way.

Another way of looking at it is that I am in a relationship with everyone I wish to spend time with. I guess the change came when I decided that dating or spending time with a person stopped being a negotiation. Think of all the times you have spent out with someone thinking “What do they expect?” It could be someone of the opposite sex wondering how many of these have to happen before something physical happens. If could be a friend and you are thinking “What do they want this time?” It could be a colleague from work trying to get you on their side or think it will benefit them. Sure there are people you just spend time with and that is the only expectation. Aren’t those people and those times wonderful?

I try to put the same effort when spending time with someone no matter their relationship is with me. Be it a male friend or a female friend. Be it someone older like my mom, or someone younger. Be it someone with a similar sexual orientation as me or someone with a different orientation. Be they married or single. I have had great times out with married men as friends. Everyone thinks well of course. I have had great times out with married women as friends. When there is no negotiation there really is no difference. I don’t ask out married women that I don’t know their spouse very well. But that is because that couple could have issues with it. Respecting boundaries is always a key. If I do everyone knows it is just to spend quality time with them. Elevate the relationship.

If I were to ask you if you wanted to go somewhere for a weekend, it would be because I would think we would have a great time. If you told me you couldn’t afford it and I offered to cover the cost it is because I wanted to do it and wanted to share it with someone, specifically you. It is a pay-it-forward from trips with my dear friend Gerry. When I was in the early years of my teaching career, like for the first fifteen to twenty lol, I often didn’t have a lot of money for adventures. Gerry would say, just get there and I have it covered. I would pay for my meals and he would cover the rest. I would give him what I could and he was always fine with that.

I am not a monk. There are people that I would not mind being in a physical relationship with. I view that as a gift to each other, not a trophy. Those people tend to know who they are. They also know I am not going to jeopardize a wonderful relationship just to have a physical aspect to it. At this point in my life, I am wanting to have a strong relationship with someone I wish to have a physical relationship with. At the same time by the time I do that, I am often not willing to risk destroying that friendship. Friendships can last a lifetime. Adding a physical component to them can make them more special, it can also have a major negative effect and can destroy them. I am not willing to chance that unless I know it will enhance it.

Taking all of that off of the table lets two people just share time, elevate their relationship and make an hour, evening, or whatever just quality time. How about a cup of coffee? Anyone up for that? My treat!

Peace be with you