When I Say I'm Demisexual
People have questions.
When it comes to sexuality, some people like labels, and some people don't. For me? I like having labels to help explain how I'm wired, but I have to admit that when I tell someone I'm demisexual, it's often misunderstood.
After writing several stories about sex and mentioning that I'm demisexual, I've been meaning to explain myself further, and today a reader asked me to expound. So Sandee Putman Vermaas, this one's for you!
There are so many facets and dimensions to sexuality. More than one spectrum. We each exist on multiple spectrums, some more fluid than others. Some very specific and others more broad.
In my case, I am a demisexual, hetero, cis female, and I lead with this label whenever I consider dating someone new. Here's how I define my demi label (others may vary on a few points).
It's a kind of asexual.
First, I have to note that demisexuality rests on the asexual spectrum--which took me a while to grasp since I never thought of myself as asexual. Truth be told, I've got a high sex drive.
The reason demisexuality is considered a variation of asexuality is simply because a demisexual person doesn't experience attraction to a person unless they feel a deeper connection.
That doesn't mean we don't want to have sex.
It varies for every one of us. When I'm in love I want to have sex everyday, even twice a day. But I know some demis who have a moderate or very low libido. There's no way to know--unless you ask us.
The connection we need varies.
Some demis need to have a deep friendship with a person before they can feel sexually attracted to them. I'm a little more esoteric than that. I need to feel a a deep connection on an intellectual, emotional, or philosophical level. It's like a switch that needs to be flipped.
How is that different from others?
Growing up, my friends all had celebrity crushes I didn't understand. I occasionally had crushes on the characters they played--but that's it. Most people are wired in a way so that they can find a stranger whom they know nothing about sexually attractive--even if they'd never act on that attraction.
It's different for demis. We won't feel sexual attraction for a stranger in the first place. We'd have to know more about them that made us feel like there was a deeper level connection between us.
It's not about physical appearance.
The connection--and eventually--feelings of love are what make me find a man physically attractive. It's not uncommon for me to grow into physical attraction--it's rarely a quick process.
It's a bitch with online dating.
Well, at least since Tinder, being demi has bigger problems. Even when I use a dating site like OkCupid, the guys want me to know right away if I'm attracted to them. Like on the first date. But, I don't know because they're a stranger and we usually haven't yet developed a deep connection I can feel. All I know is I think there's potential.
It's pretty standard for me to tell a guy all about myself as a demisexual, only to have them try to sext me a few minutes later. And I don't mince words when I explain being demi, so the frequency of that response baffles me.
FYI I think penises are weird and gross...
Unless it's attached to someone I love/deeply connect with. But before that, a man's penis reminds me of some alien appendage. Shudders.
Dick pics? No thanks. Not unless I ask.
Bonus: I don't really believe in the friend zone.
The whole idea of falling in love with a friend is awesome. And it's not just the demi in me who thinks so--we've got a whole romantic trope devoted to a woman falling for that guy she's been friends with for years and most all of us ladies say, "Aww so sweet. We wish we had a love like that."
I can't help but feel the "the friend zone" so many men complain about is one of two things:
- Angry men who often call themselves the nice guys are pissed when a woman doesn't return their feelings. These supposed nice guys miss the nuance involved with attraction and compatibility and choose to focus on rejection (something everyone faces) as a special attack on them because they're too nice and not hot enough. Here’s an easy way to test their nice guy theory — befriend demisexual women who prefer dating friends. Still can't get anywhere? They might not be as nice as they think.
- Some guys allow themselves to be used by women. This is not a friend zone. That's manipulation. Sadly, we've got men and women out there who use others for their personal gain. But again, that's not some friend zone where the woman is cock blocking a really great guy because he's too nice or not hot enough. And fyi, if you think a woman is using you, run. Don't stay and complain about it. Burn your bridges with that person because no one deserves to be used.
Demisexuality is just a label to explain those of us who ordinarily feel zero sexual attraction to somebody until a deeper level of connection is met. It's certainly not foolproof and we demis can fall for manipulators or users just like anyone else. We can even think we have more of a connection than we actually do--but that's a story for another day.
