When He Wants You to Be a Pillow Princess

Sometimes you don’t want things to be reciprocal

A few nights ago, I was with a new lover for the first time. Let’s call him A. We’d stayed up most of the night, partying with my husband and his wife, and I was exhausted. We’d had such a fun time together the four of us, but I was more than ready to snuggle into the covers of the guest room bed with A, who was sweetly stroking my hair and kissing my face, and to fall into a welcome sleep.

As I was starting to drift off, he asked me how I felt about someone touching me in a sexual way when I was asleep. I actually quite enjoy that (when permission has been granted), and I told him so. It’s just completely languorous and sensual and I told him that he was more than welcome to do that. The fact that he’d asked me was also a huge turn-on — both from the perspective of feeling respected and safe, but also due to the anticipation of it.

Normally, I’m all about reciprocity, but it was 4 am and I’d just spent more than 6 hours being reciprocal with three other people and I was really tired. He was tired too, but apparently still interested in this sort of slow, sensuous sex and I was all for it. Talk about the ultimate Pillow Princess experience! (For those not familiar with the term, it refers to a person who is happy to receive sexual attention and pleasure without reciprocating). Under the circumstances, it sounded delightful. I was so tired, but I was still enjoying the feeling of A’s hands and mouth on me and his arms around me as he spooned me from behind.

My husband James and I have done this at times before as well, and I’ve always enjoyed it, as has he, in part because it involves a huge amount of mutual trust and intimacy. There’s a difference between being the focus of desire and an object of desire — and most women are very turned on by the former, even if they don’t care for the latter because it’s so impersonal.

Marta Meana, a researcher at the University of Nevada, has determined that female desire is activated when a woman feels overwhelmingly desired, not rationally considered. If a man really wants you (and not just somebody) that can be a very erotic experience. To have a man just adore my body with his in this way certainly ticks that box when it’s done in a way that is still connected and not in a way that is entitled. The elements of trust and respect take this from a potentially problematic dynamic to one that is incredibly sexy for both partners.

I asked James why he likes to do that sometimes — have me just be a sleepy Pillow Princess — and he said that it’s about the high level of trust, but also about how it allows him to focus on his own pleasure. He noted that when you are having sex with someone, you spend a lot of time thinking about how what you are doing lands for them. Are they having fun, does it feel enjoyable to them — and hopefully they are doing the same. This kind of attention to the needs and desires of your partner is what generally makes for really great sex.

But, if every once in a while you get the opportunity to give and receive pleasure without having to worry so much about reading the other person’s body language or other cues, that can be its own kind of special experience. I feel like it’s the same for me. In a normal sexual encounter, I’m also gauging how the other person/people are doing, and trying to figure out what they might find pleasurable while also managing my own needs. Choosing to allow that dynamic to be more one-sided every now and then frees me up as well to just receive.

There’s a lot of intimacy to that when it’s being done in a way that is caring and filled with trust — even if you don’t know the other person all that well.

The only downside with A the other night was that we both eventually got so turned on that it no longer remained a slow sleepy thing. I never did truly get any rest other than just a bit of dozing — but, wow it was delicious! Definitely a nice end to a lovely night.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2023