When your big awakening is really just narcissism

Are you really becoming a better version of yourself? Or are you just becoming even more insufferable?

by: E.B. Johnson

Everywhere you look, someone seems to go through a great enlightenment. People are waking up, and not only are they waking up to politics and the way of the world — they’re waking up to themselves. But is the awakening really as great as we think it is? Sometimes, there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to enlightenment…and that includes a big dose of narcissism.

Enlightenment is the perfect place to hide for narcissists and makes a tempting haven thanks to the inward focus it requires. They pursue a higher life, not for themselves, but to make themselves feel superior to others. Their intentions are off, and that requires a big dose of humility and reality to overcome. Are you becoming a better version of yourself? Or are you just reveling in a narcissism fest that is driving you further and further away from your higher purpose and calling? There are concrete signs that can give you precisely that answer (and steps you can take to correct them).

Living in the age of new awakenings.

We are living in an age of new awakenings, and with that have come some drastic changes. No matter where you look, you’ll find someone proudly proclaiming that they’ve finally realized their inner “truths” and “taken control” of their lives. While, for some, this observation is the truth — for others, it’s little more than a con meant to feed their ego and their blossoming sense of narcissism.

Becoming self-obsessed can feel a lot like stumbling into enlightenment if you aren’t coming from the right intentions. When we chase enlightenment we are told to look inward and start putting ourselves first. To the narcissist, this is an invitation to become the dictator in a reality of their own making. And that is something which can be both dangerous and toxic.

So how can you tell if what you’re experiencing is true spiritual awakening, or just your pride getting out of control? It’s all about intentions, and looking inward and finding the balance between our needs and caring for the world. When we seek to drive others down, or make them feel as though they are less-worthy than we are — we aren’t on a path to positive growth. We’re destroying our relationships by being insufferably self-absorbed, and pushing away the people who matter most.

Why fake awakenings are so common.

Narcissists are complex people, with an array of traits, skills and attributes that make them both attractive and toxic. In the simplest of terms, narcissism is the tendency to think grandly of oneself, to the point of losing respect and compassion for others. The narcissist is a person who is selfish, vain and obsessed with attention. For this reason, a public enlightenment is attractive.

Hard to spot

Because of this new “self-empowerment” narrative we’ve brought to the mainstream (a narrative that many fail to explore further than the initial concept of putting their needs first) — many cannot see the falsity in their own awakenings. It can also be hard for narcissists to see that the “strides” they are making are little more than attempts to mask their own insecurities (while also attempting to make everyone else around them feel bad) because they are so self-absorbed.

No true introspection required

Fake awakenings can feel a lot like a real one, because they don’t really require any true introspection. Instead of looking deep and truly analyzing intentions, desires or even behaviors, the proud-bearers of a fake awakening are required only to provide the relevant mantras and social media brag-posts. They don’t dig deep and consider why they’re doing what they’re doing. They’re paying lip-service and repeating statements they’ve heard from other “enlightened” or “strong” individuals. There’s no true awakening, because there’s no deeper look at who they are or what they truly want.

A haven for narcissism

We are living in a society that not only encourages narcissism, but rewards it. Those who think only of themselves are those who can put themselves out there in unimaginable ways. They litter our Instagram feeds and our Facebook timelines. New awakenings can be a haven for this perpetuation of narcissism, because they encourage us to put our own needs on par with others. The truth, however, is that there is a fine-line between putting our needs first and thinking only of ourselves. Being self-obsessed isn’t being “woke” and it isn’t an ingredient for happy relationships in future.

Convenient excuses

Fake awakening provides a convenient excuse to flaunt your self-obsession and garner new and exciting attention. Even those who have no intention of improving themselves or their lives can engage in “woke” behavior in order to garner more likes, more attention or a bigger following of supporters and friends. It provides a convenient excuse to feed your ego, and put yourself first at the peril (and heartbreak) of the people around you.

When your big awakening is really narcissism.

There are some pretty simple signs that can help you tell whether or not you’re truly onto something, or just trying out a new way of making people feel bad. Start with your intentions. Why are you seeking to improve? Is it for your own wellbeing, or for bragging rights alone?

It’s all about being superior

The biggest sign that your new awakening isn’t all that it seems lies in the driving force behind it. You don’t really care about getting better, or becoming a better version of yourself. It’s all about flexing that superiority complex, or trying to place yourself in a caste above others. All your big epiphanies are put on show. You don’t eat, sleep, or breathe without telling the world how you’re doing it better than them. Fake awakenings have no true value. They’re superficial, and geared toward making others feel bad so the narcissist can feel good.

Nothing nice to say

Even without the false guise of a new spiritual and emotional awakening, the narcissist struggles giving anyone else praise. That’s why the “help” of narcissist on the path to enlightenment is often so nasty, or biting. They can’t say anything fully positive about anyone else, because that would be — in some way — to admit that they themselves aren’t adequate. So, they go around doing everything they can to criticize everyone and everything around them; in an effort to feel better about themselves in a completely superficial way.

Detached from reality

The “woke” narcissist is someone who is completely detached from reality, existing entirely in their own realm of self-absorption. They don’t see the strides other people are making. They don’t care about their struggles or what’s going on in their lives. A narcissist who believes themselves to be on a journey to enlightenment only cares about telling their story to anyone who will listen, and constantly feeding their detached sense of self that’s spinning out of control.

Superficial sacrifices

The narcissist on a journey of awakening is one who loves to make a show of the numerous sacrifices they’ve made in order to get where they are, or the sacrifices they’re currently making in order to achieve “enlightenment”. They love to use these “sacrifices” as an attempt to gain superiority over other people, and they use them in an attempt to control others or lend a greater deal of validity to their constant criticism or negative behavior.

It’s all about YOU all the time

When we truly wake up, or become enlightened — we learn that our needs are equal to those around us, and that we have to meet them in order to help others. To the narcissist, doing good for others is never a consideration. Every conversation is about them; every person’s behavior is a reflection on them. They can’t spare a thought for anyone else (before or after a supposed enlightenment) and everything has to occur on their terms and timeline. There’s no room for other people in this burgeoning new awakening, because the newly-woke narcissist is incapable of caring about or empathizing with anyone but themselves.

Zero concern for others

There can be no enlightenment without tapping into your compassion and your empathy. If you find yourself on a path meant to justify the resentment you feel toward others, you aren’t seeking a higher way of being…you’re seeking to punish the people around you. We must have concern for others to become better versions of ourselves. By learning how to give to and care for others, we learn how to care for ourselves. Any journey whose soul goal is to punish others will be a journey that is short-lived and miserable.

How to unlock true awakening and move away from narcissism.

Even if you started and enlightenment, it is possible to end it in a positive way that encourages true growth and transformation in your life. By shifting your intentions, getting honest with yourself, and focusing on increasing your altruism — you can find your way into a new tomorrow that is filled with greater self-acceptance and growth-building strides.

1. Set honest intentions

If you are ready to unlock true awakening in your life, then it all starts with the intentions that you set. You have to beginyour journey by being honest with yourself, and getting clear on the reality of your intentions. If you’re getting physically fit or getting emotionally healthy because you want attention — you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Looking for outward validation will lead us to disappointment every time. Look inward, and set honest intentions for yourself and the path you’re about to take.

Figure out how you can move from a place of desperate superiority and shift to a place of loving empathy. Rather than seeking improve yourself as a means to get revenge on others, create a better version of yourself so that you can create a better version of the world for you and the people that you love.

Moving toward enlightenment only for the likes is a hollow pursuit. This means you’re still looking for outward validation, but now — instead of quietly requesting it with your true skills — you’re demanding it from everyone around you like a spoiled toddler. Let go of those empty longings for outward validation. Provide your own sense of value, and reset your intentions, so that they come from a place of love and a genuine desire to improve yourself and your environment.

2. Find the middle way

It’s tempting to take things too far when you get into the swing of looking after yourself, but it’s important to remember that there can be no true enlightenment without also realizing your internal compassion. Our lives are filled with other people, and whether or not you choose to include them in the deeper parts of yourself — they still deserve respect and compassion. Finding a middle way between putting yourself first, and still seeing to the needs of those that matter is the true path to enlightenment and building a better you.

Waking up isn’t about becoming an “Island of Me”. It’s about learning how to be authentically yourself while also garnering the strength to be both vulnerable and kind with others. It’s not easy letting other people in, but it is necessary. When we cultivate care for others, we gain a greater understanding of self.

Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by feelings of selfish desire or superiority. Celebrate an awakening only when it truly serves to create a better sense of self, and a better sense of how to balance your own needs and desires against those of the people in your life. No one person can exist entirely as an island in this age of community and (distantly) social living. Let go of your one-sighted point of view and start seeing the bigger picture instead.

3. Stop the flimsy masquerading

You don’t have to live your enlightenment for the world to see. As a matter of fact, it’s arguable that involving the public or other people in your journey (at the beginning stages) muddies the waters or otherwise makes it difficult to find a clear path. Waking up requires waking up to who you are; coming face to face with your insecurities and working through them with courage, confidence and commitment. Let go of the flimsy masquerading and know that sometimes, it’s okay to not be on top of the world.

Stop pretending to be something that you aren’t. Fess up to your shortcomings and then deal with them. Rather than shouting to the world about how healed you or, or newly qualified, quietly face up to the pain you’re trying to transform and change it yourself (without the prying eyes and distractions of everyone and everything else).

You are good enough as you are. You don’t have to make a shallow attempt to conceal yourself behind a completely see-through layer of spiritual superiority. Be honest with yourself and others. Until you are authentic, you will continue to chase a sense of longing that will allude and internal work or enlightenment that you do manage to scrape from the earth. If there’s something you don’t like about yourself, make a plan to change it but know…you are good enough as you are now, and you will be good enough on the other side of this journey too.

4. Be okay with being mediocre

Those who brag and boast about how enlightened or “healed” they are often find themselves doing so from a desperate place of need. They need to feel superior to other people, so that they can stomach the person they see in the mirror. A superficial awakening is like a shovel, allowing them to bury their insecurities deep while concealing them beneath superficial attempts to “shine”.

Break out of this need to be better than other people, and get okay with just being “okay”. It’s not possible to be all things all the time. Accept the things you’re not so good at, and accept those parts of yourself which are mediocre or the same as everyone else. There is nothing wrong with averageness. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad like everyone else, or being angry like everyone else.

We’re humans, and that means we have complex emotions and even more complex experiences and behaviors. Give yourself some credit, and allow yourself to just be as you are in the present moment. When we’re present, we can find our greater truths. Rushing toward superiority? Well, that’ll get you lost. Don’t be the insufferable friend or partner that always has to be better than the rest. Be okay with being mediocre, and join the rest of us in reality.

5. Increase your altruism

Perhaps the most practical technique you can use, when it comes to dropping the narcissism and breaking into true enlightenment, is to increase your altruistic behavior and drop the self-centeredness. Altruism is a beautiful gift that we give both to ourselves and others. When we sacrifice our time and our effort in the name of others, we put our own pain into perspective and unlock our higher truths. Finding the light isn’t just a journey into the center of self. It’s an outward journey as well, and one that is enhanced greatly by giving.

Find a way to give more of yourself — both your time and your effort. Look for charities that support causes that are important to you, and find a time to support them in a way that’s free of any personal attachment. Detach completely from your need to cling to self, and find a way to increase your kindness toward others through giving.

Even in the age of pandemics, it’s still possible to donate your time and your skills to local charities. From gathering supplies, to creating blankets and dressings for animals in need, there are a million things you can do to increase the altruism in your life. Find your true heart by giving yourself to others. Through this, you will shift your perspective and bring yourself back down to the reality of the world around you. Find the greater gratitude and happiness in life by giving more of yourself with expectation of return or validation.

Putting it all together…

Everyone seems to be going through some type of “enlightenment” these days, but so many of these enlightenments seem to be shallow or short-lived. Why? Because narcissism is easy to confuse as embracing a higher truth, due to the way it turns our perspective entirely inward. If you’re on the path of an “awakening” that benefits only you, or an enlightenment that seeks to “put other people in their place” — you’re not really waking up. You’re driving yourself further away from your authentic truths.

Set honest intentions and align your journey to alignment with your authentic needs and desires for a future. If you’re looking to improve yourself strictly to make others feel bad, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons and will only find disappointment. Align your intentions with the good and compassionate part of yourself that wants to see you (and everyone else) thrive. Find the middle way that allows you to cheer for others, rather than cultivating a desire to see them fall beneath your thinly veiled insecurities. There is room enough for all of us to be good. Accept those parts of yourself which are mediocre or average and let them be the fuel that drives you toward truly beneficial change in your life. There can be no enlightenment in revenge, or seeking to place yourself above others. Stop masquerading behind false ideals and narcissism that has turned your head from truth. True awakening happens when we learn how to love both ourselves and others. Increase your altruism and find enlightenment through giving.