When Does Helping Become Hurting

And how do you know the difference?

“It’s healthy to help. It’s unhealthy to enable.” — Deb Fiore

I was reading an article from a friend, Donnette Anglin about a very important family topic. Her article prompted me into thinking about how important it can be for us to know the difference between helping and enabling.

Donnette’s article was about the decision to ask your child to leave home. A weighty matter for some families. Other families have a ritual that they adhere to no matter whether it’s the right timing or not. At a certain age, out the child goes!

The decision can become a delicate balance, like walking a tightrope, especially for family members. Helping our children can be healthy. Enabling is where codependence begins.

The codependence in my family became a toxic trust issue. My family taught me to believe that family trumps all. The mantra speaks like this: “You are responsible for your family. They are your blood, your familia, your people.”

I became a traitor when I stopped drinking the Kool-Aid and started asking questions. Questions that no one wanted to answer. There were a few cousins in my family who did not drink the Kool-aid. Later, those cousins became part of my support system.

I learned that family secrets are more important than the effect of the secrets on the family. I learned that my family would only have my back if I did what they wanted. I learned that my family wanted to control my ideas and my actions. Finally, I understood that my family wanted to control me.

What my family wanted was not always what was best for me. In fact, most of the time that was true. Along my journey, I met a few others who did not want what was best for me. Eventually, I could feel the bruising on my mental health. After years of therapy, I discovered how to identify the difference.

For me, the question became about helping or enabling. Later in my practice, I discovered that many clients did not understand the difference. This begs the question: “What is the difference?”

Helping is doing something for someone that they cannot do themselves. Enabling is doing something for someone that they can and should be doing for themselves.

Many of us who became helpers had to learn how not to become fixers.

That was one of the more difficult lessons in my relationship with Lee, my husband. If you read the book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (by John Gray), you will understand this concept. The author presents a theory about how men can be fixers and women can be talkers.

I understand how it’s a realistic theory. Most men are uncomfortable with messy emotions. They want to grab a tool and fix things. Most women talk about our tangled emotions. Sometimes talking leads us to the solution. Sometimes we just need to vent and let it all out.

When I begin a discussion with my husband, I tell him that I am venting. There is nothing for him to fix. That’s his cue to sit back and relax. Sometimes Lee sees the solution long before I get there but he remains silent until my vent is finished.

Sometimes Lee gets frustrated but I remind him that everything is good. I just need a chance to talk and he respects that. Sometimes I remind him that it’s okay for him to vent when he wants. Most of the time, he ignores my offer.

Sometimes he mutters: “Happy wife, happy life!” when he thinks I am out of earshot. I wonder what he means by that comment.

TAKEAWAYS: Helping is doing something for someone that they cannot do themselves.

Enabling is doing something for someone that they can and should be doing for themselves.

We are here to listen and answer questions. We are not here to control someone’s life.

As family and friends, we can point out the road signs along the way but we do not decide which path the person will take.

What do you think about some of the differences I mentioned? Did this article give you information to help identify helping vs. enabling? How do you decide to help others? Maybe you have a story to tell. Please drop me a note in the comments.

Another writer, Michelle Jaqua wrote about some of her family issues. She discusses the challenges in her life right now. Michelle’s uplifting story is very inspirational.