When Character and Personality Clash

My personality might not be the best representative for the job

These days, it seems my character and my personality are two competing entities.

Personality-how we present ourselves to the outside world- is a funny thing, really. It doesn’t always seem to accurately represent our true selves.

Whereas, character-who we actually are on the inside- is vastly more important in the grand scheme of things but is often hidden from plain sight (especially if you’re an introvert).

When was the last time you met someone new and felt instantly attracted to their personality? Maybe this person was outgoing, friendly and confident. Perhaps they were charismatic and charming.

But after a while, you noticed parts of their personality weren’t so charming and you realized you were dealing with a person of poor character- someone who’s personality masks the darker side of their character -which is in direct conflict with their outward appearance.

I’d wager this happens often.

But what about the opposite effect?

I have a hunch many introverts can relate to this conundrum:

When good people fail to accurately signal who they are on the inside and positive characteristics aren’t on display due to insufficient social skills or a lack of confidence- when we’re unable to shout from the rooftops and proudly declare who we truly are.

In these moments, it feels our personalities have betrayed us. It feels like others might believe we’re less than or, at least, less amazing than we actually are.

When I’m in the mood to socialize, I’m fully capable of putting my game face on and turning things up a notch. I find people endlessly fascinating and almost always have a good time at social events.

That being said, I’ll be the first to leave an event and I’ll probably need a few days of solitude in order to recover. For me, social events are best served in small doses.

And while this is all well and good, I can’t shake the feeling that my personality is doing my character a disservice.

Perhaps she isn’t the best representative for the job.

I mean, I’m a cool person.

Hopefully I can say that without sounding like a narcissist.

But being cool and admitting I like myself doesn’t change the fact that my personality keeps messing things up for me. I don’t feel it’s in alignment with who I truly am.

Trust me when I say, I’ve tried working on this. I’ve gotten better at remembering peoples’ names so as to appear more engaged and less aloof. I try to stay out of my head and open to conversation in social situations.

But as a squirrelly introvert, this is hard.

Just yesterday, I took my daughter to a birthday party. I greeted the host and kindly offered my assistance in setting up for the party. I helped wherever I could and then proceeded to say hello to a few parents I recognized from dance class.

My daughter eventually ran off to play, leaving me alone and in that moment I thought, There. I’ve completed my social obligation for the day. Now I can sit and read articles on my phone while my daughter enjoys the party.

Most people (I’m assuming) would have continued to behave socially for the entire duration of the party.

But I didn’t have it in me.

I made an effort to be friendly and gracious, but the truth was, I really didn’t want to be there. I wasn’t in the mood. I was only there for my daughter and I had no interest in socializing because I have zero interest in small talk. I knew a child’s birthday party was probably the last place I’d find any sort of meaningful conversation. Maybe I was wrong, but call it a hunch.

Was this my personality failing me again?

Sure, I may have appeared standoffish. But I was also staying true to who I am at my core- an excellent listener who loves to have deep, meaningful conversations and someone who doesn’t enjoy small talk.

Try as I might to engage, the truth always reveals itself.

So although I seem detached, uninterested and aloof at times, I don’t know that I really care about ‘proving my character’ these days.

Over time, we tend to care less about what others think of us.

I started writing this post as an exercise in self awareness. Just a few short days ago I thought, maybe there’s a way I can change my personality to better reflect who I am at the core or my being.

Maybe if I write about it, I’ll gain clarity and figure out what my next move should be.

Maybe, at the very least, writing will result in an explanation of the problem so I might discover what’s holding me back socially.

But the funny thing is, once I started writing about this, the opposite effect took hold and I realized I really don’t give a shit.

It sounds funny to say. But in all honesty, I don’t care if perfect strangers think I’m cool.

Do I really care if my personality doesn’t live up to my social potential?

No, I don’t think I do. Not anymore.

What started as an exercise in self-awareness ended in a very valuable lesson: when we fully accept ourselves, nothing else matters and the rest- the noise- simply falls to the wayside.

I realize now that I don’t need to change anything because there’s nothing wrong with me.

And since I’ve come to this enlightened conclusion, I’m fully prepared to continue existing as my awkward self.

And enjoying every minute of it.

We all want to be happy, but what does that really mean, and how do we achieve happiness with all the distractions and temptations that exist?

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