When Are We Going to Stop Policing Women’s Voices?

Women shouldn’t have to censor themselves in order to prioritize other people’s emotional comfort

I used to be nice. And I think I still am. But I’ve grown to become nice…and careful. Nice…and strong. Nice…and hard.

I am learning to speak very firmly about my experiences, my boundaries, and even my opinions. I am learning to share my thoughts without first apologizing or making disclaimers. I am learning to use my voice in a steady, solid tone. I am learning to express myself without first adjusting my inflections, style, diction, and level of emotional openness in ways that I sense will make others around me feel more comfortable, respected, and accepted.

In other words, I’m teaching myself to communicate without prioritizing other people’s experiences or feelings, without censoring or silencing myself, and with a neutral yet compassionate emotional stance.

As I’ve made this shift, however, judging from other people’s responses, you’d think I was holding a gun to everyone’s head each time I open my mouth or put pen to paper.

It doesn’t matter what gender someone is — the popular opinion seems to be that women who don’t center everyone else’s feelings when she communicates is a real bitch.

I am a woman and as such, I share my experiences and the experiences of other women. It makes sense, right? I wouldn’t speak or write in depth about men’s experiences in this world. How could I? I could never be an authority on that subject.

I also don’t speak or write about being a Christian, a medical professional, a person with Parkinson’s, or a rock climber. I am none of these things, therefore, I am unable to share a detailed analysis of the experiences any of those folks might have in their day-to-day life.

I feel pretty confident that most people would find this reasonable.

And yet, I’ve found that if you speak, for example, about the ways in which our society fails single women, leaving us without assistance or a safety net, you might find yourself faced with accusations that you are entirely lacking in compassion and don’t care at all about single men who might face the same problems.

Curious at first (because one can only take so much nonsense…), I asked a reader why he would make such a harsh assumption. I can’t share with any authority what it is like to experience life as a single man. I didn’t write about widows and widowers. I didn’t write about people who are differently abled. I didn’t specifically address single mothers.

Does that mean I don’t care about any of them? Do those omissions provide evidence of a heartless feminist who doesn’t have any compassion for others?

Why would anyone make such an assumption?

Interestingly, the men who called me out for this alleged transgression did so quite aggressively and often cruelly. I wonder where their compassion was…

I chose to write about a 46-year-old never-been-married woman who was crying in her car because she was about to have surgery and felt ashamed that she had to rely on her mother and sister being as she was not married. I am also 46 and have never been married. I have also cried in my car because I’ve sometimes let the world make me feel ashamed for my circumstances and have often deeply struggled with the lack of help available to me when I needed it.

You see? Two 46-year-old never-been-married women struggling to make it on our own in a culture that is very judgmental and uncaring when it comes to single women. I spoke strongly about this situation because I know what that woman is going through. I felt her pain and it inspired me to share my thoughts on the matter — and considering how viral that article went and the comments from women it received, it obviously struck a chord.

Clearly, I’m not the only one who needed a moment to be seen, heard, and understood.

So tell me this: Is it honestly malicious for a woman to strongly speak up about her own experience and the experiences of her contemporaries? If we dare to take the mic for a moment, are we then required to tell everyone else’s story, too? Do we not get a turn on the stage? Don’t our stories matter?

Why do I have to tell men’s story — a story I cannot tell — in order to “earn” the right to speak up for myself and other women? Why does talking about women for a minute, in a strong tone, indicate that I have no compassion for men?

And please, tell me why it is socially acceptable for men to respond to a woman aggressively, obnoxiously, judgmentally, rudely, and sometimes cruelly in order to put her in her place when it has been perceived that she has not shown an appropriate level of compassion for or attention to men?

Don’t worry — especially if you’re a man who is ready to leap into the comments to rip into me right now for daring to push back on the men who scream “Misandry!” at every perceived slight by a woman. I’m not only talking to you.

Women do this to one another all the time.

“You must speak in a gentler tone if you want anyone to listen.”

“I’m concerned that you aren’t showing a proper level of compassion in your work.”

“Men deserve respect, too. You shouldn’t speak so strongly about your feminist views.”

These are the kinds of comments I often hear from women.

I understand this attitude to some extent. Many women, usually those who haven’t been around as long as I have, were taught (strategically, I might add), that being pleasing will inspire men to treat us as equals. They haven’t figured out yet that this is rarely true…and more importantly, that we shouldn’t have to bargain to be treated as equals.

But the real problem I see here is that women are falling prey to the same propaganda as men: that any woman speaking in a neutral, strong tone, is failing to show an appropriate level of compassion.

Have you ever given that any thought? No, really. I’m asking you. Regardless of your gender. Why do we expect women to demonstrate a level of compassion determined by an external authority? I know you know the answer, but I don’t feel like enough of us have even bothered to ask the question in the first place.

I’d ask these women if they put the same amount of effort into challenging men to be more compassionate, but I’ve never bothered to do so, being as we have no standard of compassion that men are expected to meet. They don’t even have to speak in a neutral tone — it is socially acceptable, and sometimes even encouraged, for them to speak aggressively.

So not only are they not expected to meet a certain standard of compassion when speaking (on the page or off), they also are not policed the way women are. Women might be speaking out more frequently against aggressive comments and behaviors, but I don’t see men policing one another the way women police one another. (Lots of appreciation for the ones who do, by the way…)

And here’s another question that should trouble everyone: Why do we believe that women who aren’t prioritizing other people’s comfort and emotional safety are behaving with deliberate disrespect? Especially when it comes to men?

See the problem?

A woman shouldn’t have to contort her voice and tone in order for her words to be seen as non-threatening. She should be able to share her story and the story of other women without being accused of lacking compassion or being maliciously selfish. She should not be expected to explain herself if she doesn’t meet these external standards that try to regulate how she uses her voice in the world.

The truth is, we don’t like women speaking freely and strongly. It feels threatening — even to other women. If we rock the boat too much, what might happen?

Maybe it’s time we stop policing women’s voices and find out…

© Yael Wolfe 2022

Yael Wolfe is a writer, photographer, and creator of Howl. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com.

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