Healing Life Hacks
When Anger Comes Your Way Don’t Kick the Dog
It might bite back. Try this simple solution instead!
The setup
Hauling bags of grimy work clothes, P and I went to fetch the car.
“Be careful taking it out of the yard. Don’t bottom out on that rock.”
He pointed to the offending stone just waiting to take a chunk out of his car. I even saw its teeth.
“I’ll guide you,” he added seriously.
His words set off a spasm of terror. There’s not one spatial skill gene in my body. I can’t tell if the round peg will go into the round hole or how far it is from my nose to over there.
And this man LOVES his car. Given a choice between me and her, well…
“No, over to the right. Turn! Turn! NO!!!! Don’t back up you’re going to hit it. Go over there. Come forward. Turn the wheel!”
Days of wind and rain, crumbling walls, discovering rotted beams aka redoing the roof had worn P thin. I knew the signs. An explosion was imminent and it was headed my way.
Wildly gesturing his hands, he shouts, “Turn left!!”.
Did he mean his left or my left? Doesn’t matter. I’m never sure when I back up what turning the wheel will do. I inched in reverse.
“NO!!!”
Whichever it was, this was not it. I opted for the coward’s way out. I got out and gave him the key. Hey, I’m attached to living. He ripped into me.
“You always give up the exact moment you need to keep going!”
That stung. Some truth in it. But I knew to continue would go nowhere but further downhill. So, I just took it on. Besides the bakery was closing in twenty minutes. Priorities, you know.
He gets the car on the road in two seconds and I leave trying to remember how to breathe. As my anxiety subsided, my ire rose. After all, I was going to the laundromat to clean his clothes and buy the food for the week.
Other general rackaspracka spewed out. (My favorite curse word borrowed from Fred Flintstone who knew what he was talking about.)
The Opportunity Lost
Suddenly, a car sped up and stopped two inches from my bumper. What does this guy think he’s doing? Parking?
“I’m going max speed (55mph), so it’s nuts to you, buddy,” thinks I. They hovered there, weaving back and forth forever. Then, when I slowed for a pedestrian crossing (Following the revised posted speed limit. I am a driving do-be.) they made a dash for it.
“What a couple of cretins!” I shout to the steering wheel. “There could have been a kid!!”
Have you ever noticed how anger always finds a ‘justified’ hook to hang on? I brightly wave Bozo and Bosco goodbye and then…
I give them the finger.
Boom! P’s anger transferred to me transferred to them. It felt stupidly satisfying.
Momentarily. I should have known better.
They slowed down to a crawl. OK. You want to play that game? Fine. I reduced my speed, keeping a good distance between us. Invitation to play high-speed leap frog declined.
Then they did me one better. They stopped dead in the middle of the single-lane road. Now this is a main road through farmland. People attempt to launch into outer space from it. (Cue these 2 guys.)
Pictures of P’s reaction to a smashed car turned my brain on. “No, no, no. I’m not getting rear-ended for you.”
I managed to pull off into the bordering field. They were already on their way over to see me. I thought of all those windshield camera videos. It never ends well.
A checklist scrolled in my mind. I’m NOT rolling down the windows. Are they carrying anything? Where’s my phone? Ack. No signal. Welcome to France.
Wait.
There’s enough room to pass between their car and the corn. Thank you, electric car. They thought I’d turned the motor off. I cruise past them and hit the road.
Not so fast sister! They take pursuit but whizz around me. I happen to know there’s a radar not far down the road. That stirred up some smug satisfaction. But mostly I felt
S.T.U.P.I.D.
The Aftermath
Later, I watched the suds slosh, thankful and humbled. Because I knew something for sure. It was my doing. I had kicked the dog and this time the dog bit back.
It was classic. P’s pent-up frustration with the roof → unloading it on me → my unloading it on two unknown guys → who returned the favor.
Round and round the anger goes, like the clothes. Except the clothes were getting clean and I felt positively mucky. How to stop the endless cycle?
Usually, we react rather than respond. Our stuff gets activated and we do the hot potato. Pass it on ASAP. We feel better until it starts up again.
And it will.
Our subconscious runs the show. And it will pull out our old stored crap and push us into reacting to it. And we, none the wiser, think it’s the guy tailgating us, not our stuff.
No brilliance will arise from reacting, only more sameo sameo plus possibly a nifty return reaction from the people we’ve dumped on. How to find a way to a balance and solution rather than another problem? Stewart Pearce had the perfect three-word answer.
The Solution in 4 Words — Detach. Feel stillness. Observe.
Detach = emotionally taking a step back. We have three seconds before we launch into our ingrained reactions. And even if we do react, we can notice and take a time out. Detaching stops us from being caught up in our neurosis and helps bring us back to the present moment.
Next, find some stillness. Three long breaths will kick in the parasympathetic ‘rest and digest’ system, soothing the antsy pantsy adrenaline rush. Smell a lifting scent, drink water, close your eyes or focus on the horizon, touch your hands on the ground… many things work.
Now that you’re back in the present moment and not standing in your crap trying to get it off your shoes, observe. What’s really going on? Feel for the best response/solution.
Notice I said feel. Drop out of your mind. Ask your head what to do and you’ll be back on the nutso path in no time. Feel it in your body and your heart. What’s needed? What’s necessary? And most importantly…
What’s not.
Obviously, I need more practice. I’ll do better next time.
I hope.
Let’s meet again! Hit the email envelope to hear when I publish. No danger of being inundated, once a week tops. And I’m happy to read what you’re up to too.
Until then…
And here’s something esle about the power of words..
