PARDON OUR APPEARANCE — RELATIONSHIP IN PROGRESS

When Adults Gossip About Kids, Is It Gossip or Crucial Information?

Finding my sea legs in parenting

I didn’t know parents gossiped about kids. I’m naive.

Yesterday someone told me some alarming information about a kid my son is friends with. By the time she finished telling me about my son’s friend, I was hiding under my dining room table with the lights off. I was ready to call the police on the family. I was ready to pull my son out of school and move to another country.

I texted my therapist. I need a reality check. Can we move up my appointment to today? We’re still doing telehealth, so if she’s got a window, it’s easy. She was available in 15 minutes. Bingo.

I shared my fears about my son’s friend with my therapist. What if he’s being horribly influenced? What if he’s trying things I can’t imagine? I want him to be safe. I feel like I have no idea what kids are up to today. I feel naive and out of control.

Through talking to her, my blood pressure lowered. I took copious notes about how to talk with my teenager. Though my friend had terrified me, I realized this was a good opportunity to talk candidly with my son.

This wasn’t quicksand — this was an opening.

Teenagers are intimidating because they’re more badass and cool than we are. My teen was also becoming more independent. I didn’t know what he was up to 24 hours a day. This was nothing like when he was tucked away in a baby carrier, accompanying me everywhere — like my arms.

I had an inkling about what he did with his friends (Walgreens, Starbucks, park, YMCA basketball) but I was assuming everything was safe and healthy without actually talking to him about it. You know what they say about assuming.

I used to know this lovely mom whose kid was a school bully. One night at a group dinner, she said, “I don’t know why Jack (not his name) has such a hard time making friends. He’s the sweetest boy.”

Jack had bullied 70% of the kids whose mothers were at that dinner. I felt multiple kicks on my shins beneath the table. I didn’t want to be a totally clueless mom. If my kid was making asshole choices, I wanted to know.

A lot of parents think they know about their kids because of locator apps. I can’t tell you how many teen parents have recommended various tracking devices.

Having the app life360 which tells you where your kid is all the time, doesn’t tell you what your kid is doing. It’s a tracker, not a bodycam.

Because I am a writer, I had four pages of notes from therapy. By the time my teen arrived home, I was armed with a script, a list of questions, a tiny aneurysm, and verbal evidence from the mother who had informed on my son’s friend.

You look crazy, my son said, as soon as he walked through the door.

Meet me upstairs, I said, as he removed his backpack, coat, and sneakers.

What mom? he said, knowing he was en route to speak with a crazy person.

I took out my yellow legal pad filled with pages of notes and sat down. He shook his head.

That’s a lot of notes, he said, but he knows me. There are always a lot of notes.

He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and some chips.

I proceeded to tell him about the ‘gossip’ I heard about his friend. I asked him about his friend, what they did together, and if he had he met his friend's family.

Like any good teen journalist, he asked me where I got my information. My friend had told me I could name her as a source. He wasn’t impressed. This was not Deep Throat. This was Perez Hilton.

One thing I occasionally forget about is my teen is stronger than I was as a teen. He has a solid conscience and better values than I did at his age. I was floundering as a teenager. I had to put a chain around my ankle so I didn’t fall off the planet. I was a mess.

My teen is not a mess. He’s got his head on straight. He’s got solid friends. He does most of his homework. He’s allergic to drama. He doesn’t gossip to me about bad kids posting himself as the good kid.

He’s not interested in drinking or smoking because he thinks that’s bad for his body and brain. I’m not saying that’s a permanent condition, but it’s where he is today.

He doesn’t want to be any weaker or dumber. That never occurred to me as a teen when I was drinking and smoking — that my body and brain were something that needed my protection.

We also talked about sex and intimacy but since this is a public blog, that’s way more private — but again, this kid is on way more solid ground than I ever was.

I didn’t realize adults gossiped about kids — that an adult conversation could be similar to a middle school conversation. I needed to remember gossip is gossip — no matter what age mouth it comes from.

The important thing is this. When someone tells you something about someone else, don’t assume it’s true, even if you trust them. Even if it is true, it doesn’t mean it’s a five-alarm fire.

Even if my son’s friends have problems, so do my friends. Kids are people who make mistakes — same with adults.

Gossip is poison. I’m not a fan. I am however grateful that my teen and I had such a great conversation yesterday. I learned a lot about him and his friends.

I learned a lot from him as well. My son and I take turns being an adult. It’s usually my turn, but he occasionally swoops in and takes one for the team. We’re a relationship in progress.