avatarJames Michael Sama

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When A Toxic Partner Gives You These 12 Negative Feelings — Run

Don’t ignore these red flags.

There’s a subtle and vague feeling inside of you…a feeling of self-doubt. Uncertainty. Concern. A faint but consistent voice telling you that you’re with the wrong person…

But, you push it aside. You’re in love! At least, you think it’s love…

You’ve committed, invested, made promises to this person. You’ve posted photos together!

Nobody is perfect anyway, right? These are natural and normal challenges that you’re facing in your relationship. Everyone goes through them.

While sometimes these justifications can be based in reality, other times the truth is that, well, you’re just fooling yourself…and you know it, deep down.

Below, we’ll discuss some feelings that, if familiar, shouldn’t be ignored or minimized any longer. They are real signs that something is amiss in your relationship, and should be explored more deeply in order to uncover the source.

1: You’re losing confidence or trust in YOURSELF.

I’m starting off with this point because I’ve heard it recently from a wide variety of people, including private clients. They’ll tell me that they are, or were, starting to doubt themselves, their own feelings, or their instincts…for the first time in a long time, or maybe ever.

This, in some instances, is the result of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is when a person twists reality in order to make you question what you’re feeling or thinking.

It can sound like:

“That’s not what actually happened.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“You were drinking, you’re not remember it clearly.”

“You don’t really think that, do you?”

These phrases start to chip away at you subconsciously until you start asking yourself if what you remember is really accurate…did your partner really do these things? Are you imagining things? Are your feelings invalid, unrealistic, or maybe…”crazy”?

The other common thread between people who are expressing this concern to me? They are all highly successful and confident in other areas of their life.

Why, then, would they be so full of self-doubt in their relationship?

Take a good, hard look at how your partner is making you feel about yourself, whether it be through direct or subtle language and actions. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation, and should never be ignored.

2: You’ve stopped expressing your needs or feelings.

Here’s the thing about putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own…it should be mutual.

I know, you’re a kind and caring person who wants the person you love to be happy — and that’s great! That’s how it should be.

They, though, should want the same for you.

If you find that you’re always the one in a giving position to the point where you it seems like your feelings don’t matter or that your needs aren’t being met, you’ve got to start asking if you’re giving your heart to a person who actually deserves it.

This is usually a gradual process that happens over time, which is what makes it so dangerous.

In the beginning of a relationship, you’re excited to put your partner first. You tell yourself that you don’t need anything in return because your only priority is to make them happy.

This is where the imbalance begins.

You’ll justify the lack of care or affection you’re receiving, and if/when you do ever speak up, the subject changes, or you feel selfish and pull back, or you use minimizing language like “but it’s okay it’s not really a big deal” or “it doesn’t really matter, I was just saying…”

Eventually, then, it feels useless to even bother expressing your own needs, so you just dive deeper into filling your partner’s.

Always remember that healthy relationships aren’t about give and take, they’re about give and give.

3: There’s a lot of emotional inconsistency.

We all have good and bad days, that’s to be expected.

Moods change, work gets challenging, you (or they) may be feeling overwhelmed, or stressed, or facing a hardship.

The problem, though, arises when it’s more than just the daily realities of life that are changing the nature of your relationship, but the emotional “rollercoaster” of being with someone who’s inconsistent or unstable.

They “love bomb” you and go hard with the romance, compliments, gift giving, spending time together…but then, *poof.*

They’re so inconsistent that you don’t know what you’re going to get on a daily basis, and find yourself chasing after their affection just to make sure they run off too far.

Consistency is what builds trust and strength in a relationship. It’s what makes you feel safe opening up to a person, because you know that what you see is what you get. You know they’ll be there today, tomorrow, and the next day. Constant uncertainty chips away at the foundation of that trust.

“Hot and cold” should be settings on your faucet, not your love life.

4: You’re NOT excited to hear from them.

The person you’re dating pops up on your phone.

There’s their face, their text message, their phone call.

How do you feel?

No, honestly — how do you feel?

Are you excited to hear from them? Looking forward to sharing your latest news or hear what’s happening in their day?

Have you been anxiously waiting for them to text or respond to you, resulting in a sense of excitement?

Or…

Does your heart drop a little bit?

Do you secretly groan, or roll your eyes, or mutter “ah, shit” under your breath when they call you?

This might seem silly and obvious that if a person has this affect on you, naturally you’d be in the process of breaking up or understanding that they’re probably not right for you — but if that were true, there wouldn’t be so many people who stay in the wrong relationships for far too long.

5: You keep wondering what it would be like to be with someone else.

Yikes, cringe.

Painful to think about, but also important in this context.

Now, listen — I’m not talking about looking at other attractive people, that’s just part of human nature.

I’m talking about being in an entirely different relationship with a different person.

The emotional connection, the time spent together, the shared social lives and events…

You’re off fantasizing about a completely different life with a completely different person.

I believe that if you’re with the right person who sets your soul on fire, these feelings don’t even arise in your mind. You already know you’ve chosen the right person for you and this is the life that you’re excited about living, so why go off fantasizing about another one?

If, though, you find yourself imagining that you’re in a different place, with a different person, building a different life — while you are with your partner, this is a big red flag that your emotional connection is becoming frayed and that you might not be living in alignment with what (or who) you really want in your life.

6: You’re secretly waiting for your partner to change.

Love is about full acceptance of your partner.

Now, listen — this does not mean liking everything about a person.

Eyes widen when I say this, because shouldn’t you love and adore and cherish every ounce of your partner’s being?!

Eh — maybe in movies…but in real life, you probably don’t even like everything about yourself.

That’s okay though! You don’t need to like everything about a person in order to love them. You do, though, have to accept it all. To accept this is who they are. To accept their quirks, and maybe even fall in love with those same imperfections that they judge themselves for.

However, this is not the same thing as wishing they’d change fundamentally as a person.

That their beliefs, or viewpoints, or personality traits, or the way they treat you…will magically just change one morning after a good night’s sleep.

Sure, people evolve over time (hopefully for the better), and can change themselves when there are things they’re uncomfortable with or want to improve.

But, you have to love the person they are today, just as they love you as you are today.

You can’t date someone’s “potential” or hope that they’ll somehow become someone that they’re not. See them who they are in the present, and be honest about whether or not you really love that person, or the idea of who they might become.

7: You’re lying to your friends and family.

“James, what parts of the relationship are we talking about here?”

Well…does it really matter?

If you’re lying to your loved ones about aspects of your relationship or your partner, there’s something that you know deep down is “off.”

Something you’re ashamed of, or embarrassed of, or are intentionally hiding in fear of judgment, ridicule, or even worry for your wellbeing.

Of course a mature and adult relationship is only between two people and I’d never suggest that you run around airing your dirty laundry to other people, but that’s not what this is about.

This is about knowing in your soul that something is wrong, and intentionally hiding it from the people around you to make things seem better, or because you know they’d step in and intervene.

This, inevitably, will result in the “why didn’t you tell us sooner?” when the truth comes out…which, it always does eventually.

8: Your partner discourages or judges you.

Remember the point about fully accepting your partner as who they are?

Yeah — that has to be mutual.

Full acceptance goes hand in hand with full support.

Accepting them means accepting their beliefs, their morals, their hopes, dreams, ambitions…all of which must be supported by a healthy partner in a healthy relationship.

If you find that your partner is always discouraging you from following your passions, or making you question your abilities, or judging how you do things, you’ll never feel like you’re part of a team. You’ll never feel like your partner is really on your side. You’ll never feel like they want you to thrive, to succeed, to step into your fullest self…and as a result, you never really will.

9: They don’t respect your boundaries.

Boundaries are the lines you draw around the behavior and treatment that you will and won’t accept in a relationship.

They’re physical, mental, emotional, spiritual…all-encompassing.

Learning someone’s boundaries takes time. It takes honest and open communication. It takes the courage to express the things you’re comfortable with, and the things you’re not…

And, of course, both partners must open up in equal measure to create a full understanding of what’s expected from each other.

If someone violates a boundary that they don’t know exists, perhaps (perhaps) a second chance is warranted, depending on the circumstances. Obviously, abuse or manipulation is never acceptable and should never be tolerated.

What I’m talking about in this point, though, is when someone does know your boundaries, is aware of them, has been told about them…and still chooses to disrespect them.

Many people have a hard time enforcing their own boundaries because it takes an immense amount of strength to be able to say: “I love you, but I don’t love what you just did to me.”

Or, “These actions are unacceptable and I cannot be with someone who does that.”

But, boundaries are useless if they’re not enforced. You might as well not even have them in the first place.

10: They never take responsibility for their actions.

This sometimes presents itself in tandem with gaslighting, but sometimes it’s just a sign of a good ol’ fashioned asshole.

It is imperative that two people in a relationship have the mental and emotional maturity to acknowledge when they’ve made a mistake, because they will both make mistakes…probably many times.

This is why forgiveness is highly important in a healthy relationship (within reason), but you can’t forgive someone who never acknowledges they’ve done something wrong.

Similarly, you can’t trust them, either.

Every time they make a mistake they’ll either deny it, or place the blame onto you, or gaslight you to try to make you doubt what you saw or felt.

It’s not about finding someone who never makes mistakes…that doesn’t exist…but it is about finding someone who’s honest with you and themselves enough to admit when they’re wrong, and then put in the work and effort to fix it.

11: They give ultimatums or withhold from you as punishment.

Ultimatums never work, and usually just make things worse.

Subsequently, emotional blackmail through withholding something from you, be it sex, or affection, or making plans, or a birthday gift…is abuse and manipulation and should never be tolerated.

12: You don’t feel like your true self anymore.

Identity is one of the biggest things I work on with my private clients.

Many high achievers and world changers have invested so much time and energy into their business, or their cause, or their family, or their career…that sometimes, they forget who they really are.

They lose sight of why they’re doing what they’re doing.

They make decisions for everyone else and completely disregard their own interests or values in the process.

As a result…one day…they wake up and wonder whose life they’re living, because it doesn’t feel like their own.

This can also be a result of an unhealthy relationship when someone (intentionally or unintentionally) makes you feel like you need to change in order to be with them.

Or they make you feel guilty about choices you make, hobbies you have, or the things you loved doing before you met them — so, you stop. You sacrifice pieces of yourself for the sake of a person who doesn’t really love you for who you are.

You hide parts of yourself from them out of fear of judgment.

You don’t voice your true opinions in order to avoid conflict.

They call all the shots. They make all of the decisions. You feel like a passenger in your own life.

This is not an equal partnership.

This is not a team.

It’s not healthy, and it’s not love.

Remember that healthy love makes you feel more like yourself, not less. It’s rooted in freedom, not restriction. It’s authentic, genuine, accepting, and caring.

If it’s not all of those things, then it’s not real love — and real love is what you deserve.

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James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

Love
Dating
Relationships
Life Lessons
Psychology
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