Sexuality

What’s Your Sociosexual Orientation and Why Does it Matter?

The sexual orientation we don’t talk enough about

We’re complex creatures, you and I. We love exhilaration but we experience anxiety. We love novelty, but we want security. We love ice cream but want sculpted abs. We want to be Instagram influencers but we drive ourselves crazy, staying awake late at night making ourselves miserable over every nasty comment that anyone’s ever left us on social media. The list goes on forever.

A close friend of mine used to say, “I’m a complex composition of walking contradictions.” And this is exactly what he meant. We want things that are incompatible with one other. And no matter how hard we put the screws to ourselves trying to figure out which one we want more, sometimes there’s just no easy answer. Take relationships, for example.

Most people consider my relationship absolutely insane. They don’t even have to tell me they think it’s insane for me to know they think it’s insane. I can tell instantly by the looks on their faces.

“You what?” they ask.

“I’m polyamorous. Technically, we’re polyfidelitous. It’s like a normal relationship, only there are more than two of us,” I cheerfully reply.

At this point, they do one of two things. They either open their mouths into a widened, drooping gape, standing there, staring and speechless while looking like they just got hit with a 50,000-volt stun gun; or they cock their heads back for a split second and prepare to unleash the millions of questions that just entered their minds.

“What’s the sex like?” they might ask. Or, “Do you have sex altogether?” And of course, “Do you ever get jealous?”

Judging by the fact that questions about jealousy come up most frequently, I assume that it’s an impactful part of most people’s lives.

“No, I don’t get jealous. I’m very secure in myself and I’ve learned that I have no need to feel afraid,” I tell them. That’s when they look at me like I’ve grown a second head. What I’ve come to learn is that this is my sociosexual orientation.

Sociosexual orientation is the willingness we have to step outside of the two-partner system. It’s how open we are to the idea of having sexual or romantic encounters with multiple partners. And like other types of sexual orientation, sociosexual orientation is subject to change throughout our lives.

While it’s typically discussed in the boring, objective terms of science and “mating strategies,” the truth is, we all have different degrees of willingness to engage in sex outside of our primary relationship. This doesn't have to be unethical.

Some people are currently married to the idea of monogamy, while others want to dabble with this sex club and fool around with that singles bar at the same time.

But, I’d be remiss to not reinforce the fact that this orientation of ours is always changing. People who marry the idea of monogamy can also divorce it. And people who’ve sown their wild oats for years can settle down if they choose.

Between infidelity, “opening up” and becoming swingers, or closing formerly open relationships, people change their sociosexual orientation all the time, for better or for worse. The power is ours.

Recently, my girlfriend and I sat down for a little heart-to-heart talk about sex and our relationship. She’s been married for well over a decade, yet, she and I are happily in love. The three of us live together quite happily and if the pandemic and ensuing lockdowns have taught us anything, it’s that this triad of love we share is virtually indestructible.

We share chores, bills, and responsibilities like most couples do. But like all of the contradictions mentioned above, we also need our own space. We have our own rooms, our own careers, and our own lives. It’s a delicate balance, isn’t it, juggling our desire for freedom and our desire for commitment? It’s especially difficult when it comes to sex.

“If you ever decide that you need to date again, I want you to know you’re free to do what you want. As long as you’re safe, I don’t have a problem with it. I don’t want you to feel like I’m holding you back,” she informed me.

These words were like music to my ears. But they were so sweet to hear for different reasons than you might imagine.

For me, it’s not strictly about the potential for wild sex and romantic connections, but the fact that I have the option, should I so choose — and I have support. Her words spoke congruently with my sociosexual orientation. There’s something powerful in the dual-natured freedom and responsibility of living out my own sexual existence.

“Right now, I’m focused on my career. That’s not really on my radar at the moment,” I replied. “But I’ll let you know if the time comes and I deeply appreciate you reaching out and having this conversation with me. It really means a lot to me.” This wasn’t a cop-out. It’s genuinely how I feel.

But in those moments, we communicated that we were on the same page with our sociosexual orientations. We communicated to one another that we don’t expect each other to be either all sexual or all commitment and that we’re willing to discuss different dynamics and accommodate one another’s needs.

Have you thought about your sociosexual orientation lately? Have you recently stopped and asked yourself, “How many people would I love if I had no limit besides my time and energy?” and answered that question in earnest? If not, I think it’s about time that you should.

High scores on the SOI (sociosexual orientation inventory) denote a person who’s open to the idea of having multiple partners. We see love and sex as things that are free and abundant, things that should be shared, not shamed.

Low scores on the SOI denote a person who prefers security over freedom, a person who follows the boundaries of strict monogamy unwaveringly.

Nothing is wrong with either disposition, different strokes for different folks.

Gregarious, outgoing, and socially open people are naturally going to be more open to the idea of having more partners, but this isn’t always the case. My girlfriend’s husband is probably the biggest introvert I’ve ever met, but he’s entirely cool with our relationship and he helps facilitate it every step of the way.

And while men are more likely to be open to the idea of new partners than women, something that holds true across cultures and times, that doesn’t make it destiny. Plenty of women out there were the ones who brought up the subject first, suggesting to their partners that they open their relationship up for a little fun. It doesn’t matter what your sex or gender identity, your sociosexual orientation is yours and yours alone, and it’s something that needs to be nurtured and cared for.

I’ve seen way too many people spend months, or even years, beating their heads against a wall in relationships they were happy with, yet, they felt unfulfilled and trapped. The amount of guilt, shame, and pain caused by this process could fill the entire conceivable universe.

But there’s a way out. And that way out starts with getting honest about our sexuality. It starts with us refusing to deny the sexual aspects of our lives that we’ve been told are so taboo. And it starts with having an open, honest, reasonable conversation about the role of sex in our relationships.