What’s Wrong With Being Wrong?
(Living wholeheartedly)
Many of us insist on being right all the time. But what’s wrong with being wrong? By being afraid of being wrong and insisting on always being right, we drive ourselves crazy. We drive others crazy as well. If we feel they’re wrong, we dismiss or reject them. Or if we imagine that someone else is right and we’re wrong, we feel inadequate or shamed. Living in this manner, we are firmly caught in a mirage.
Mirages Aren’t Only In The Desert
Mirages aren’t only found in the desert — life is filled with them. When we drive in the desert and see a non-existent pool of water up ahead, it looks completely real. But it’s just an illusion created by our thirst. Thinking it is real, however, we race ahead to drink from it. The more we race toward the mirage, the farther it recedes. We race after it even more then, intensifying our thirst and becoming more desperate for water.
A Mirage Will Never Quench Our Thirst
But, an illusion or mirage will never quench our thirst. The illusion of being a perfect person, who is always right and not permitted to be wrong, is simply a mirage. Searching for perfection drives us crazy and never brings wisdom or fulfillment into our lives.
What’s wrong with being wrong?
Write down all the times you were wrong. Who cared? What happened? Was it the end of the world? Did you learn something from being wrong?
List five ways you can be wrong now. Do one each day. See what happens? Is it so terrible? Do you want to live your life terrified of being wrong?
Searching For Perfection
Nothing will break this defeating pattern until we acknowledge that an illusion is an illusion, a mirage is a mirage. It doesn’t exist; we’ve made it up. The same applies to our race toward perfection and fear of doing anything wrong. Life is one continuous course of action, reaction, and more action, where the most important thing is being wholehearted. Taking action with our whole heart.
A Wholehearted Response
Do what you can do, as fully as you can, with your whole heart. Be as available to reality as you can -see, hear, and feel clearly. Then you’ll make a wholehearted response. When you take wholehearted action, your life changes, and step by step you come out of hiding and remember who you are. The consequences of your actions will vary. When you focus on the consequences and not the action itself, it can tie you in knots and prevent all action. Just take each step wholeheartedly, see what happens, and learn from it.
There was once a prince who took ill and decided he was a turkey. He stripped off his clothing and crouched naked under the royal table, refusing to eat anything but crumbs that had fallen to the floor. The king was greatly upset. Many doctors were called to the palace to examine the prince, but none could offer a cure.
One day, a wise man came to the king and said, “Let me live in your home. Be patient, I will make your son well again.”
Immediately, the wise man approached the royal table, stripped off his clothes, and sat down naked next to the prince.
“Who are you and what are you?” demanded the king’s son.
“I am a turkey like yourself,” the wise man replied. “I thought you might be lonely and decided to come and keep you company for a while.”
A little time passed, and the “turkeys” grew accustomed to each other and soon became good friends. They ate crumbs, drank from tin plates, and discussed the advantages of being domesticated birds rather than men.
One night, when the royal family was having dinner, the wise man signaled to the king, whose servants brought two silk robes and cautiously placed them under the table. The wise man quickly donned a robe and before the price could say a word said, “There are some turkeys who are so insecure they believe that by putting on a robe they might turn into something else.”
The prince thought for a moment, nodded his head, and began to clothe himself.
Some days later the wise man decided to eat beef, potatoes, and fresh vegetables from a plate. He bit into the food and said, “This is delicious. It’s good to be able to enjoy all kinds of food.” The prince readily agreed and ate his fill.
Finally, after more time passed, the wise man decided to sit at the table. While eating with the royal family, he called down to the prince, “Come and join me. The food is the same but the chairs make a big difference. Besides, we turkeys have a lot to offer. Why should we remain hidden?”
The prince came out and sat at the table. It was only a matter of time until he remembered who he was.
Don’t Focus On The Consequences of Your Actions
You don’t know what the consequences of your actions will be. Don’t focus on them, focus on acting wholeheartedly. For now, forget about the outcome. The wise man in the story simply made friends with the prince. Don’t give a gift to someone with the secret expectation of a thank-you, a gift, or a favor in return. That is not “Just doing it” — it’s living from an ulterior motive.
Acting with an ulterior motive always produces a lack of balance, because half of your attention is on what you’re getting back in return. And when you don’t get it, you become angry and resentful. Your gift was not a true gift. It was a form of manipulation.
Don’t go on a date and sit there wondering if you’re making a good impression and saying all the right things. Just be there with the other person — truly be there. Focus your attention on him, make friends, really listen, really answer. Enjoy the time for what it is, and find out about the person without expecting anything in return.
When we monitor our natural behavior to get what we want, we automatically become split. We are not truly there for others. Instead, we are using the other person as an object to produce an outcome. We can become an object to ourselves as well, pushing ourselves around.
You Cannot Fail If You Act Wholeheartedly
Expectations generate fear of being disappointed and of being wrong. If the consequences of our actions are other than what we expected we often label ourselves as failures. But, you cannot fail if you act wholeheartedly, intending the best. The consequences of your actions then simply become lessons, from which you can grow strong.
Stop and Pay Complete Attention
Pay full attention to where you are, whom you’re with, and what is going on. Be fully available to whatever is happening in your world. If you’re focusing on results, then anxiety, fear, and dread appear. If you just throw yourself completely into the action, enjoying and doing it fully, you receive satisfaction in the doing, and fear vanishes. This kind of focused, wholehearted, single-minded action is a wonderful medicine for fear of all kinds. It is also called mindful living, or being present for whatever comes along.
“No target is erected
No bow is drawn
The arrow leaves the string.
It may not hit,
But it cannot miss”.
Author: Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D. is an author, psychologist, speaker, and long-term Zen practitioner. Her work integrates the teachings of East and West and focuses on ways of making the teachings real in our everyday lives. This article is from her book, Fearless, (Seven Principles of Peace of Mind).
Her weekly podcast, Zen Wisdom For Your Everyday Life has been going on for over five years.
The Takeaway by Lewis Harrison “Ask Lewis”
I love reading, and sharing what great teachers create. Great wisdom bypasses my left brain intellect and connects that part of me that seeks meaning, love, kindness, empathy, and clarity.
I have many friends and associates, who are respected teachers. They usually share their creations with their fans and followers. I want those who know and appreciate my work to expand their horizons and explore and share the ideas of important teachers like Dr. Shoshana. Here, I have gotten permission from her to repost their important writings.
I have known Brenda for almost three decades. She is a powerful Zen teacher, with deep appreciation of, and understanding of Talmudic wisdom.