What’s All the Fuss About Spirituality? Part 1

Should I already know about it?

Quite honestly who has the time? Between three jobs and writing an article a day for Medium, finding time for a good cardio workout is more important to me than looking for something intangible.

How people with children and full-time jobs would find their spirituality also seems an unreachable task. Going to church on a Sunday for an hour or so must make religion, whatever the denomination, a far easier choice for many people. To have a preacher/priest/vicar spouting the Bible and instilling guilt in the congregation or perhaps just those that have something to feel guilty about, doesn’t sound spiritual to me. Of course, I could be biased by my limited knowledge of the Church of England vicar who belittled the eleven year old me for being late to church. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t name and shame me personally. But I was the only person who arrived while he was delivering his sermon. Was he already speaking about the virtues of being on time or did he ad lib on my arrival? Maybe it wasn’t about me at all. Nevertheless, being made to feel guilt is something that I decided I wasn’t going to accept.

Guilt is an insidious emotion.

My parents did a good job of raising me without making me feel guilt. But I made the mistake of marrying a man who possessed a talent for provoking me into feeling guilty about anything he didn’t agree with.

Money being one of the main issues for us. He controlled the purse strings. The latest hi-fi, TV, and the horses were all perfectly reasonable purchases to him. Meanwhile, I had a weekly budget for food and household items plus an allowance. From the allowance, I bought his beer every week and saved up part of my allowance to buy his birthday present. We were both working full-time. He refused to discuss control of the purse strings or our joint bank account. The house, food and cooking were my domain and when our son was born I looked after him until I went back to work full-time.

By the time my son was three years old I knew I had to leave my husband. When I said I was taking my son with me he told me our child was the only thing worth living for and if I took him he would have nothing. I believed him. I left my marriage and my son to a man who had made me feel guilty about everything I did or said. I didn’t foresee the damage he would do to my son.

The reason for the above is to demonstrate that I didn’t know myself until I was in my early forties and had left the third disappointing, inconsiderate narcissist. I didn’t know any better than to do everything for them. That’s how I was brought up by a loving Polish stepmother. She worked nights at the weekend and did everything for my father. He paid the bills. I’ve often pondered why she took up drinking. From the age of fifteen I have relied on alcohol for many reasons.

Since I left any thought of having another relationship behind me nine years ago, I drink once a week. For pleasure, not because I feel trapped in a relationship that has no upside for me.

Once the cake and bread eating depression left me and I focussed on my new career, my new friends, and my new life as a singleton, I determined what I liked, what I enjoyed, and what I wanted to do. I didn’t have to discuss it with a man. I could try it to see if I liked it and if I did I could keep doing it, if I didn’t I could drop it. Whatever the it was, it was my choice.

I was free of doing the right thing, being responsible, pleasing everyone. I can relate one hundred percent to people living in their own space. I’m not alone, I’m free to find myself.

Repentance is not something I have considered. I know for a fact I would make a terrible Catholic (too many men in charge) and they probably wouldn’t have me anyway. It’s the same for Jehova’s Witnesses, the men have all the power. I have tried to listen and learn.

I figure I’ve paid my dues. My life is no longer devoted to a man. The only thing I truly wish I had done differently was taking my son away from his father. That one act would have made him and I very different people.

This is the end of Part 1.

Part 2 will work through what my aims and desires were before reaching the point I’m at today; debating the need for spirituality.