What I Wanted To Wear/ What I Actually Wore

Summary

A Black Trans Woman reflects on the tension between her desired self-expression through clothing and the reality of dressing to avoid scrutiny and violence.

Abstract

The article discusses the personal struggle of a Black Trans Woman who grapples with the illusion of safety and the oppression she faces when choosing what to wear. She recounts an instance where she felt compelled to change her bold red lipstick to a more subdued pink to navigate society without attracting negative attention. The author emphasizes that despite her attempts to blend in, her intersections of identity make her a target for scrutiny and violence, highlighting the constant pressure to present herself in a way that might mitigate these risks. The piece invites readers to consider the broader implications of self-presentation and the experiences of the trans and gender non-conforming communities, while also encouraging a wider conversation about how everyone navigates their own self-presentation in daily life.

Opinions

The author believes that safety is an illusion for her as a Black Trans Woman, and that societal pressures force her to compromise her self-expression for perceived safety.
She feels that her identity makes her particularly vulnerable to violence and scrutiny, regardless of how she dresses.
The author expresses a desire for a "shield" that would protect her from the dangers she faces, symbolized by the red lipstick she wanted to wear but felt she couldn't.
There is a sense of resignation as she acknowledges that no matter what she wears, her body will be policed and susceptible to violence.
The article opens up a dialogue about the universal experience of ambivalence in self-presentation, suggesting it's not exclusive to the trans and gender non-conforming communities.
The author invites readers to share their own experiences with self-presentation and the compromises they make, indicating a solidarity and desire for a more inclusive understanding of these issues.

What I Wanted To Wear/ What I Actually Wore

As a Black Trans Woman, I believe safety is an illusion, and looking at these photos and remembering how I couldn’t walk out of my house with that red lipstick on, I am convinced. In the quest for safety I began to oppress myself. I became the person to qualify my womanhood based on how well I could pass or get through a situation unscathed. Living under the pressures of society has made it nearly impossible for me to be unaware of the ways I show up in any given situation. It’s difficult to be in public because I have not yet learned how to quiet the voice inside that is wondering if people are reading me as a trans person, which alone is not an issue but it calls my safety into question, and that is violence. My intersections create a perfect target on my back. Being aware of this is the reason I delude myself into thinking that I will be safer certain ways over others. It honestly isn’t the case, as a Black person, a Woman, a Trans person I know that no matter what I do, my body will be under scrutiny and susceptible to violence. I suppose what I wanted to wear on this day, and every other day is a shield. Instead I changed to a cute pink lipstick and told myself that it was one.

**Aaryn uses the pronouns: She/Her **

Feeling deep ambivalence about how we dress is something the trans and gender non-conforming communities experience acutely, but it’s not just about us. We’d love to hear from everybody about how we navigate self presentation each day.

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