How to self-help yourself in the bathroom

What Your Shower Head Reveals About Your Personality Type

And what you can do to fix it

Are you looking to renovate your bathroom? It may add 4.6% value to your house price, but I advise caution with your fitting choices. They say a lot about your personality, and why it stinks so much.

Standard shower head: Lazy. It’s time for you to face the facts. That rusted out fitting has been there since before you bought the house from Grandpa Bill after he voluntarily moved into the nursing home on his 57th birthday.

How to be better: Swap it for something with a bit more flow. It might help wash the guilt away.

Handheld shower head: Perverted. Unless your over 80 and incontinent, you don’t need a shower head that can reach your groin.

How to be better: Get a bidet if you’re into all that funny business.

Filtered shower head: Schizophrenic. You believe in aliens and coronavirus and mind control chemicals bring fired into people’s skulls via the plumbing.

How to be better: Forget showering, go and bathe in the nearest mountain stream. Just don’t let your alfoil float away and clog up a whale’s blowhole.

Rain/waterfall shower head: Selfish. Do you know how inefficient those things are? Half of Africa is in perpetual drought because you’ve stolen all their water.

How to be better: Emigrate to a rainy city like Melbourne or Seattle and wash in the actual fucking rain.

Massage shower head: Needy. It’s always about you, isn’t it? Aww, I’ve got such a sore neck. Aww, I’ve got knots on the back of my skull. Aww, my massage therapist is in a coma after an attempt to massage a bull elephant went wrong.

How to be better: Lather yourself up before heading along to the nearest protest, and make sure you antagonise the police enough they shoot the water cannon directly at your overused jaw muscles.

Low-flow shower head: Moronic. Let me get this straight. You’re paying money to replace an old shower head with a brand new one because you want to reduce the shower pressure?

How to be better: Go live in an igloo and wait for global warming.

LED shower head: Eternally melancholic. If you’re desperate enough to install coloured strobe lights in your shower head as an attempt to relive youthful nightclub dalliances, you have my pity.

How to be better: Write satire articles poking fun at others to distract yourself from the growing loneliness that is your life. And whatever you do, don’t buy a blue light. Every junkie in a 5km radius will come and smash it.

Were you hoping your favourite choice would reveal you to be a loving, charming, intelligent and altruistic individual? Don’t you know only psychopaths take showers? All the best people are in baths.

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