What Your Parents Never Told You About Anger

Remaining silent is a sign of maturity — but is it your worst mistake?

Nobody likes to speak up more than the current generation. Speaking up against racism, discrimination and other social injustice even has a word: woke. It wouldn’t surprise me if was ‘Word of the Year.’

“We need to stay angry, and stay woke” — Oxford Dictionary

Not speaking up is normal for women from my generation (growing up in the 90s). We were raised to not speak up against authorities, politicians, and especially men. We don’t even like to tell the hairdresser that they’ve butchered our hair. Our parents, unwittingly, raised us to be subordinate, meek creatures without a voice.

Don’t make a fuss. Don’t raise your voice. Be a good girl.

Women are told to let go of their anger. Swallow it. Smile. Because anger is a masculine emotion. Women were branded hysterical if they expressed anger. So we learnt to suppress it. We bought into the idea that it’s not normal for women to express anger. It could even be harmful.

“It’s what women do with their anger. They harm themselves or extensions of themselves.” — Stella Gibson (from The Fall).

She is right. Women internalise anger because we fail to teach women how to express anger and stand up for themselves. I argue that anger is an essential feeling that we all need to learn to communicate. It is where growth happens.

On a Quest To Feel Anger

Some years ago, after my disaster of a marriage ended, I sought therapy because anxiety and flashbacks had taken over my whole life. The therapist and I spoke about all the things my ex-husband did and said, and she expressed surprise at my lack of anger. I should have been outraged yet could not convey or even feel such emotions.

Instead of feeling anger and expressing it, I did what many women in my situation do: engage in self-harming behaviour and more bad relationships. This is what unresolved trauma does.

It took me years to learn to feel my anger. But this anger was not my friend. It was a strange, out-of-control emotion that sat in the pit of my stomach and threatened to explode at any moment. I couldn’t control it. Every time it bobbled up, I disassociated and became self-destructive. Psychology calls this ‘affect dysregulation,’ one symptom of C-PTSD.

People suffering from affect dysregulation typically do not experience these strong emotions as “fear”, “anger” or the like, but rather experience an overwhelming and unbearable sense of raw pain.

Learn To Acknowledge Your Hurt

My ex-husband did horrible things, inexcusable things that I rarely talk about. He has done things I don’t even want to acknowledge or think about, despite years of therapy. But his worst crime was the complete dismissal of my feelings.

I was not permitted to have negative emotions. If I became angry, sad, or even hurt by his actions, I was ‘crazy’, ‘hysterical’ even. I needed to be medicated with anti-depressants if I ‘couldn’t learn to control myself.’ So I suppressed my anger, even years after our divorce.

Anger was not my friend because nobody had taught me how to express it, and people told me I had no right to feel this emotion. But I ask: if you’re not allowed to feel your pain and the injustice of what happened to you, how can you process it? How do you stop these horrible things from happening again?

In Anger You Will Find Strength

It took me far too long to learn that anger can be a powerful motivator for change. But it’s important to recognise there are two types of anger: constructive and destructive. It’s important to learn the difference, especially if abusive relationships have marked your life and you lack the tools to deal with emotions.

Constructive anger can help with healing, forward movement, and recovery, while destructive anger can cause harm.

I have let go of my (self-)destructive anger towards my ex-husband, but unlike all those self-help articles that tell you to let go of all anger and learn to forgive, I refuse to let go of my constructive anger.

This anger is my friend. This anger is justified and rational. It helps me be stronger. It keeps me from repeating mistakes. It allows me to feel these emotions and not fall into the trap of even for a minute consider excuses for his actions. Excuses, minimalisation and rationalisation are the pitfalls survivors fall into that anger can prevent.

In Anger You Will Find Your Voice

My parents are loving, caring people, but they made one huge mistake: they took away my anger — and my voice. When you tell women that they need to keep quiet, to accept injustice and misogyny, you are taking away their voice.

That this generation is speaking out is something to celebrate. I hope it can give many people the strength they need to find their voice and stand up against destructive individuals.

There is no excuse for harming another person. These actions should not be minimalised or rationalised. I no longer buy into offering abusers forgiveness, leeway, or second chances. The responsibility for their actions lies with them and them alone. Instead of making excuses for destructive behaviour and using our empathy to forgive and forget, we should keep hold of our anger, because that’s where we will grow and become stronger.