WHAT A TREAT

What Your Halloween Treats Say About You

Are you really giving out toothbrushes?

It is that time of year when we stock up on treats for our neighborhood ghosts and goblins. Last year, many around the country didn’t celebrate the good heathen tradition. This year, we are back on and I’m already going back for my third supply run even though it’s the 28th.

We give out full-sized chocolate bars because we crave the attention of young children — not in a creepy way. We just want to be known as the best house on the block. We also give out wine refills.

As a person hyper-concerned with my family’s Halloween persona, I’ve done some thorough thinking on the treats that our neighbors dare to throw in a pillowcase. I have cross-tabulated with what I know of these people who share my postcode based on superficial judgments and present you with this handy guide to getting to know your neighbors by what they give to kids.

Skittles

I’ll accept your Skittles and raise you a box of Nerds. I could party with these people. We’d all have sweater mouths, but these are good peeps to have around in any mouth weather.

Raisins

Nature’s candy is a waste of money. You can be a health guru on your own night. This night is for the kids. They want to roll around in the spoils laughing at their parents' disapproval. Leave those raisins for the potato salad. That was a joke. If you are putting raisins in potato salad, you need to leave the neighborhood right now.

Coffee Crisp

1. You are Canadian. 2. You buy way too much because they are amazing and the kids turn up their noses at the word coffee. There is a reason I always order coffee ice cream. It is not my favorite — it is on the list but probably #3. The reason is my family doesn’t want any so I don’t have to pretend to share. Coffee Crisp distributors are cunning, decidedly funny, and bring wine to the street party. YOU ARE MY PEOPLE.

Snickers

This tells me you know no one with a nut allergy or you believe nut allergies are Fake News. Shame. Don’t eat that Waldorf salad, Jimmy!

Lights Out

Bah, Humbug. Yes, that’s a Christmas reference and I hope you get coal.

Licorice

Unless it is Nibs, don’t bother. The Halloween Twizzlers are a shadow of their former self in some waxy plastic red flavor that makes me weep. Wait. I mean the kids want to weep. The kids don’t like it. As for you, the distributor, I’m worried you don’t love yourself. Seek help.

Toothbrushes

AKA Why no kids are coming to your door. Don’t be that house. Just don’t. Do-gooders are not welcome on October 31st. You are the one who brought kambucha to the street party, aren’t you?

Candy Corn

Psychopath. Eat that shit in your closet and stay away from the children!

One Fun-Size Bar of Any Kind

You advertise yourself as the place to get the fun stuff with your giant blow up vampire then limit the children to one bite-sized treat each. “Fun-sized” candies are meant for the handful. Did your mother hug you as a child? Be more fun than one.

Chips

I’m a chocolate true-ist, but I can get behind chips if they are regular-size bags. The fun size is a lot of air and three mangled chips. I reckon these bags are filled with the remains on the conveyer belt. These neighbors think they are rebels but are not going far enough. These neighbors, I suspect, have raisins in their potato salad too.

Gum

I’ll admit to having gum on hand for kids. We offer a full pack for anti-chocolate weirdos. But if all you are offering is gum, you haven’t had your kids in braces or cut the shit out of hair or scraped it off the car console. You must be childless and have bad breath so the extra Extra is a win/win. Don’t worry, once word gets around, you’ll be done with kids in no time.

Choose your candy wisely. You might have extra on November 1st and no one needs that many toothbrushes or raisins.