This is what your cold feet really mean

Find you’ve got cold feet now that it’s time to jump into the deep end? Here’s what it could mean for your relationship.

by: E.B. Johnson

Are you standing on the edge of a major commitment? Find yourself hesitating or deal with some cold feet? It’s not uncommon to have doubts when you’re about to settle down for the long-term. There are some concerns, however, that should be taken seriously and addressed honestly and upfront. Though our worries are often little more than our own projections, they can also be a sign that something serious is going on beneath the surface.

Don’t ignore your cold feet. If you’re having doubts about your relationship, be honest about it and open up to your partner. Ignoring the concerns that you have is a sure-fire way to find yourself in a mess of disappointed expectations and needless pain. By opening up, sharing our fears and sorting through the doubts that are troubling us, we can banish our cold feet to the outskirts and find our way back to trust and understanding.

Not every relationship is meant to last.

It’s a hard truth to swallow, but not every relationship is meant to last. At the same time, however, not every case of cold feet equate to a dramatic ending on the horizon. We get cold feet for a number of reasons, but primarily we get them because something has gone amiss with the person that we love. Deciding whether our cold feet indicating an ending or a new beginning is all about getting clear on both what we want, and what we need from our lives and our partnerships.

Cold feet refers to the hesitation that we feel whenever our relationships get serious, or ask us to commit to the next stage. You don’t have to be a runaway bride to have cold feet. Nor do you have to be looking at an impending commitment to forever. Cold feet occur whenever we get locked in our tracks, unable to move forward emotionally or physically with our partners.

This hesitation can come off the back of natural changes, or as the result of subconscious realizations that both hard to voice and even harder to address. The only way to get around these doubts, though, is to name them and then communicate them to the person we’re supposed to love. Before we do that, though, we have to be very clear on where the real issue lies, as well as what we want (precisely) from our lives and the people that take up space in them.

The roots behind our hesitation.

Wondering why you get cold feet? The reasons can range from a fear of getting hurt, to the realization that your partner is the wrong person for you. Before you can deal with your doubts, though, you have to understand them. Do this by giving them a name and understanding how they work in your life.

Fear of getting hurt

One of the most common reasons that we find ourselves running in fear from a serious relationship is our fear of getting hurt. Little more stings like rejection from someone we care for. Many of us are so scared of this type of rejection that we do everything we can (both subconsciously and consciously) to extract ourselves from the situation before we get hurt. If you’re someone who has struggled with breakups in the past, you might find yourself running before someone gets the opportunity to hurt you.

Desire to settle down

Are you sitting on the edge of a partnership that’s getting ready to settle down for the long-term? This can be an extremely daunting prospect — especially if you’ve never been in a long-term relationship before. If you don’t have the desire to settle down yet, but your partner does, it can cause a lot of discomfort for you both. One person pushes for more commitment, while the other pulls away. Little-by-little, the partner with the greater fear of commitment is pushed out and pushed away.

Greener pastures

As humans, we’re always looking to the horizon in search of better opportunities or chances to increase our comfort. Some of these “greener pastures” are very real opportunities, and others are little more than a mirage. However, your desire for betterment happens, it can lead to serious hesitation and cold feet. We either have to commit to the person we’re with, or commit to making our way into a greener field. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Unhealthy attachment

When you form unhealthy forms of attachment (like avoidant attachment) it can cause you to hesitate even when you don’t really want to. Whether you run out of fear, or you run because you just can’t face the idea of being vulnerable — failing to learn how to face up to your feelings can result in a serious case of cold feet.

Not a great fit

Though it’s not a fact that we often like to admit, sometimes our cold feet indicate that we’re getting ready to make a major mistake. If your partner isn’t a great fit for you, or they don’t align with your integrity and your values, you might find your subconscious throwing on the brakes. Doubts start to overwhelm you as the fear creeps in. You know that this person isn’t the right person for you, but you haven’t admitted it to yourself (or to them) yet. Your cold feet are trying to protect you from making a major mistake.

What our cold feet are trying to tell us.

Cold feet happen for a reason. Whether our fears are based on our experiences, or they are genuine concerns that have arisen as a result of our partner’s questionable behavior — it’s up to us to be honest about where the mismatches lie. Through this, we can find better ways to deal together.

Too much baggage

There may be nothing wrong with our partner. In fact, they might be just the person that can help us see ourselves in a new light. What you might be doing, though, is projecting all your unresolved pain and baggage onto someone who is just trying to love you as you are at the moment. There’s a fine line between the differences, and only you alone can differentiate between real fears and irrational projections of a past we haven’t let go of yet.

Need space to think

Sometimes, cold feet indicate a need to break the bond. Other times, however, they simply indicate that you need a little space to breathe and think. Committing to serious relationships is no small feat, and it can be daunting if it’s something you’ve never done before. Often, all you need to do is slow things down and give yourself space to think and ease to the idea. Little-by-little, you might come around to these new ideas. Or, you might find that you’re not in the right place at all.

A serious mismatch

Your partner might be the perfect person for you on paper, but that doesn’t guarantee that they will be the person that you fall for. Love is a strange thing, and it can be fickle too. When we’re partnered up with someone who just isn’t doing it for us, we can find ourselves hesitating or dealing with cold feet when it comes to making more serious commitments. A serious mismatch is nothing to be ignored. Even if your partner has done everything right, that doesn’t make them the right person for you.

Something’s off

Cold feet, above all else, could indicate something strange going on with your partner. Though you may not quite be able to admit it or address it, abusive partners or those leading secret lives will always raise suspicions in our subconscious when it comes to taking that next step. Listen to your gut when it tells you something is wrong — even if you haven’t admitted it to your brain yet. Our intuition is a powerful thing, and it’s rarely wrong when it tells us that something is wrong. (Note: there’s a difference between paranoia and intuition.)

Clashing of values

Our values are important, and they provide the guideposts by which we direct our lives and our desires. It’s important, when building relationships, that you align your values with that of your partner. Without aligning those values, we risk finding ourselves in a world of heartbreak and disappointment later on. When you aren’t aligned in what you want in this life, or you aren’t aligned in your values and integrity, you begin to drift and get stuck in dispassionate partnerships that are based in totally different realities.

Loss of opportunity

Your subconscious can play a big part in your cold feet, more often than not working as a warning system that is meant to protect yourself from long-term damage or heartache. While this warning could be signaling a poor choice of partner, it could also be an early signal that you that you’re losing out on a major opportunity in order to settle for something that isn’t meant for you. This opportunity could be the love of another person, or it could be the career of your dreams. Whatever it is, it’s important to assess whether you’re giving up on something great for something not-so-good.

The best ways to deal with your cold feet.

Don’t allow your cold feet to sit with you forever. In order to get back to your happiness and your wholeness, you need to address them and you need to do it now. Then (and only then) can you and your partner come up with a plan of action that frees you from your fear.

1. Communicate your concerns

If you’re struggling with major doubts, the first step in finding resolution begins with communication. You have to vocalize your concerns and give them a name; first to yourself and then to your partner. Until you talk about precisely what issues are lurking under the surface, you won’t be able to deal with them or put your mind at ease. The better we get at talking about things, the more we can come to terms with reality and find solutions that work.

Find a safe time and space to sit down with your partner and talk to them about your hesitations. Timing is everything here, so consider the bigger picture and don’t push for a time when you’re both dealing with stress or toxic pressure at work. Be honest and leave room for your partner to process and share their own perspective. Tell them how you feel and tell them too why you’re experiencing cold feet.

Pay special attention to any major issues that might indicate an insurmountable problem. Don’t hesitate because you don’t want to hurt them, or you don’t want to admit the truth. The best thing for both of you is to be honest with one another. If you don’t think they’re the person that you’re going to spend forever with — then you need to tell them that. That doesn’t mean things have to end in that instant or that you have to walk away heartbroken. Talking it out is only the first step in your journey to resolution.

2. Figure out your divides

The two of you have to come together to figure out your divides if you want any hope of coming back from the brink. Having cold feet doesn’t mean your relationship is over, but it will end if you don’t address what’s going wrong and honestly address the cracks. When we get honest with one another and committed to doing the right thing, we can figure out our divides and figure out the best way to move forward in confidence.

Look for the conflicts and the breaking points that make it hard for the two of you to see eye-to-eye. Be honest about your mismatches and don’t shy away from brutal truths. If you’re having cold feet, there’s a good chance they are too. Figure out what’s pushing you each in a different direction and address the underlying causes.

You have to be extremely away of crucial crossing-points which can’t be compromised on. If you’re hesitating because you know your partner wants to move to the other side of the world and start a family — that’s a big point that can’t really be broken down. Some divides are too great to overcome; some things we want from our futures are so drastically different that there’s no way to guarantee happiness together. Open up your hearts and your minds and see the truth for what it truly is.

3. Reframe the narrative

When you have a track record of getting hurt, or a history of relationship trauma, it can cause you to see yourself in a toxic and degrading light. The more you experience negative relationships, the more you might come to believe that you’re a person not worth loving. Over time, this creates the notion that you cannot trust the people who claim to love you. If you want to get past your doubts, you have to reframe the narrative and find a new way to look at your irrational fears.

Separate what’s real from what’s not. You may be holding back or having second thoughts because you’ve become so lost in this narrative in which you’re always the victim or the loser. You’ve come to expect your partner to hurt you, so before they get the chance — you might put on the running shoes and hit the bricks.

Once you know that your fears are unfounded, you have to work doubly hard to reframe the narrative you’re living in. Stop expecting the worst and start looking for the best. Look to your partner for love and support, but don’t look to them as your sole object of validation. See your relationship for what it really is and put in the work you need to make your commitment stand the test of time. If you want to be with them, be with them, and stop letting irrational fears get in the way of a good thing.

4. Be precise about needs and wants

Once you’ve identified your doubts and sussed-out what’s real and what isn’t, you have to get clear on what you want so that you can create a plan of action. Before opening up to your partner or making any dramatic moves, consider what means most to you in this world and what you hope to build 5, 10, or even 20 years from now. Look at what you need on an essential level and then compare that against what you have right here and now.

Take a few quiet moments for yourself every day and spend some time journalling about what you want from your life. Consider every aspect of your life, from your career, to your family, to where you want to live. Look at your relationship and compare it to the partnership of your dreams? Is this really the person you can build tomorrow with?

Don’t rush the process and don’t avoid any necessary truths. If you’re standing on the edge of a cliff looking at a relationship with more doubts than benefits, you need to be clear on what you do want before cutting any cords with what you don’t want. Accept your needs at face value and understand that you need them in order to be happy. You have a right to seek a future that’s aligned with your authentic needs and happiness. Love that for yourself and allow it.

5. Self-focus before outward change

Relationships are hard, and they are made even harder when we find ourselves hesitating or dealing with cold feet. Though these doubts can mean we’ve picked the wrong person, they can also come down to little more than projection as well. Sometimes, the real change and focus we need to activate is within. The better we become on the inside, the better our world becomes on the outside.

Before you make demands of a partner who loves you, or take dramatic action that shifts your world on its axis — it’s important to make sure you’ve done everything you can to bring yourself peace and happiness on the inside. The more whole and free of baggage we become, the more clear we get on what we want and what we need.

Clarify your vision by giving yourself some much-needed self-care. Nourish your heart, your soul and your mind every day and do it without hesitation. Don’t expect any resolutions with your partner to bring you peace unless you can first find that peace from within. Get clear on your goals. Get clear on how you want to tackle them. Begin releasing that baggage from the past which holds you back or leaves you attached to people who no longer fit your journey.

Putting it all together…

Relationships are heady, and they can move us into some strange and uncomfortable places. Just because we love someone doesn’t mean we want to spend forever with them, and that’s where our cold feet come into play. When we’re about to settle down with someone who isn’t quite right, the concerns set in. It’s up to us to get to the bottom of our fears and put them to rest once and for all.

Communicate your concerns with your partner and pay special attention to any details that might indicate an insurmountable issue. Work hard to identify the divides and compare those against the type of resolutions you’re looking for. Building a life with someone else is challenging, but it’s made even more challenging when we lock ourselves in the narrative of being a forever victim. Find your courage and your self-confidence and use those to help you get clear on what means the most to you in this life. Be precise about what you both need and want and don’t ever settle for less. The stronger and more empowered you become on the inside, the easier it becomes to clear on what’s needed on the outside. Listen to your cold feet. What are they trying to tell you? You’ll have to dig deep to find the answer.