What Your Apology Says About You
We All Have Different Ways Of Apologizing
Delay, forgetfulness, hurtful words, criticism, judgment, bad deed. We all have to recognize our faults and ask for forgiveness from others daily. But we don’t all do it the same way! While some apologize, others do this grudgingly and express regrets. Let’s decipher our habits and reconsider the power of excuses together.
Here are different ways to apologize.
Arriving half an hour late for a meeting, pushing your neighbor on the bus, harming a colleague, taking advantage of a situation by harming a friend are several examples of actions that call for apologies. But if it goes without saying – obligatory code of politeness – the excuse is rarely instinctive, and above all, we all have a different way of expressing our regrets. We can distinguish five profiles of excuses. All depend on how we have been brought up and been used to recognizing our wrongs. They do not all have the same power of repair and the same consequences for others.
- You constantly apologize
“Sorry for bothering you,” “My apologies for the delay,” “My apologies,” “Sorry, I hadn’t seen” … Not a day goes by that you don’t apologize, whether written or oral. Apologizing all the time, for everything, has almost become automatic, as if these simple words had the effect of reversing your faults and keeping the other in good spirits towards you.
What this reveals about you:
In general, it affects people with anxiety, who are afraid of confrontation, and who lack self-confidence. A study published in 2010 in the journal Psychological Science 1 shows that women, in particular, are more inclined to interpret situations against them and feel compelled to apologize, even when there is no need to.
What consequences?
Apologizing too much lessens the positive impact of an apology. This appears as a permanent justification which, in the long run, tires others. Especially if this applies to trivial facts. : no, your office colleague is not hurt because you forgot to return his stapler. On the other hand, she may end up getting carried away because she has had enough of reassuring you! Repeated apologies hurt us because they reflect the image of someone unsure of themselves or interpreted as a lack of sincerity. We tell ourselves that the person has an easy excuse and that they don’t really regret what they have done. Apologizing for everything and nothing is also harmful to the image that one carries: it increases feelings of guilt and, in the long run, low self-esteem.
2. You don’t apologize enough
No matter how well you know you are at fault, framing it is another story. The words go round and round in your head but hardly come out of your mouth. You experience this process. as a sign of weakness, even failure, and end up doing it reluctantly, only when you are cornered.
What this reveals about you:
Having trouble apologizing is an unconscious mode of defense. We are afraid of appearing stupid or ridiculous by asking for forgiveness. Apologies are often late and awkward. Basically, that reflects a desire to stay in control, not to spoil his/her self-confidence. The person has not learned to recognize the excuse as something positive. For them, it is not natural.
What consequences?
This generates incomprehension among those around you, which makes it difficult to understand why you do not question yourself. The exchanges are surely numerous and confrontational until you capitulate and agree to offer your apologies. In the end, not recognizing your mistakes right away wastes a lot of energy!
3. You refuse to apologize
You can't state any remorse. Even more than weakness, you feel that admitting even a small mistake would diminish you. Lack of empathy for others or real denial, the excuse is for you a supreme humiliation.
What this reveals about you:
A real impossibility to recognize one’s responsibility and to admit that one is not perfect. Whatever happens, you are never at fault. It is always the fault of others. There is a total absence of questioning, which is certainly linked with what was played out in childhood. Have we been brought up as a child-king/queen or princess and princesses who have become a manipulative adult? Do we reproduce the behavior of an all-powerful parent with whom we have suffered? Do we adopt this behavior as a mode of defense? To move forward, we have to find out where the blockage is: why is the excuse viewed so negatively?
What consequences?
This greatly complicates relationships with others on a personal, social, and professional level. The image that we send back is that of a rigid, inflexible person, braced on his positions, with whom no discussion is possible. “The higher you go up in the hierarchy, the more difficult it is to hold this position. Not acknowledging your mistakes is totally hampering communication with others. This necessarily harms our work, our relationship, or our friendships.
4. You don’t really apologize
“Sorry, excuse me…but if you had warned me before, it wouldn’t have happened!” / “It was not my idea at the base, it was yours!”. You practice the excuse, but in your own way, without really admitting that you made a mistake and always trying to justify yourself.
What this reveals about you:
Some people find it very difficult to recognize their responsibility. It is sometimes so unbearable for them that it is easier to blame the other. Ultimately, it is not so different than refusing to apologize. We just give ourselves a clear conscience by telling ourselves that the words have been spoken and we think that the other will be satisfied.
What consequences?
Certainly, you have shown some regrets, but without putting much sincerity into it. Result: the other half believes in it and has trouble turning the page. Worse: they feel accused in their turn and can judge your apologies ultimately more aggressive than if you hadn’t said anything … Between you there remains a discomfort, tensions and unspoken … In short, we cannot say that the apology has paid off!
5. You prefer to redeem yourself otherwise
Expressing your regrets bothers you. You don’t like to feel at fault or to think that you may have caused harm to others. You recognize your mistake deep within you but prefer to make up for it in other ways: the following days, you multiply the attentions and kindnesses. You invite the person to lunch, give them a gift. You want to show them that you care without saying the words they expect.
What this reveals about you:
It’s an avoidance strategy. This risks making us fall into a vicious circle: we make a mistake, and to erase the feeling of guilt, we try to make up for it through small gestures. The problem is that we do not know whether the person has forgiven us or not since we have not clearly discussed it with them. Subsequently, we may end up thinking, “they’re not answering the phone? They must be mad at me. Do they seem a little distracted? Are they really mad at me? It’s not a nice position.
What consequences?
The person in front of you doesn’t make the connection between your feelings of guilt and your loving little gestures. All they remember is that the apology has not been given. When someone has hurt you, an apology helps both “parties” move forward. The offended understands that the offender recognizes his faults. On the other hand, the offender now knows the position of the offended person and can act accordingly. When we just try to reconnect through kindnesses and gifts, the apologies are ambiguous, and the relationship hangs in the balance, depending on people and situations obviously.
So, What are the excuses for?
If it’s so important to know how to apologize, it’s because these simple words have the power to clarify and mend a relationship. Expressing regrets is not just social politeness; it is showing others that their needs are taken into account, showing respect, honesty, and empathy for them.
Apologies have the ability to disarm anger and erase misunderstandings. If they can’t change our past actions, they can at least change the negative impact of those actions. They restore confidence. Thanks to them, we can put an unbalanced relationship back on track; we open up to the other. This finally helps to increase self-confidence. Expressing regrets means acknowledging your mistakes, assuming your responsibilities, and finally, feel better about yourself.
Apologize, does it work though?
Between apologizing too much and refusing to do so, there is a middle ground to be found. The excuse must be sincere; the words must be well chosen and spoken at the right time. They are accompanied by an intention, a body language, which underlines the approach's sincerity and explanations.
The goal is to reveal oneself, explain why we reacted to this in that manner, open a dialogue, and give the other person elements of understanding that they did not have until then. In the short term, the process is difficult, but it pays off in the long term. However, there is no need to come back to the subject regularly. Once the apologies are expressed, the case must be closed.
If we look back too much at the event, we risk bringing it back to life afterward. It also means that we feel guilty, that we expect the other to reassure us, while ultimately it’s up to us to forgive ourselves.
Although more complicated to express, oral apologies are preferable. In writing, there is always the risk that the other will misinterpret our thinking. To properly formulate your words, you have to resort to non-violent communication. : say ‘sorry / I’m Sorry / excuse me’ and string together what you felt, without blaming the other “. Finally, know that it is never too late to apologize. If the regrets are sincere and the exchange is genuine, an apology is always synonymous with progress. Even if, in the event of a serious offense, the repair process may take longer.
To conclude:
Apology wisely! Do you keep apologizing, even for unimportant things? Practice not using the word “forgiveness” as a trivial word: note the common situations where apologies come to you by reflex and find out how to phrase it differently! For example :
- Rather than apologize for not having answered a call / an SMS / an email in time, say instead: “I was reading/walking around…I didn’t see your call!”.
- You are late for lunch with a friend, value her patience: “I am still late… thank you for waiting for me!”.
