What You Should Know About The 3 Biggest Flaws In Online Dating

Avoid these dangers lurking beneath the surface of digital dating.

To be human, for a lot of people, means to build relationships. We’re a social species and we crave connection with others. For many, that takes the form of romantic relationships (among others). We are people who love to love and be loved in return. That craving for connection can drive people into interesting places, especially into othe arms of online dating.

For a huge number of people looking for love, dating apps become the focus. Flocking to their phones, they’re already swiping through piles of other mutual hopefuls who may fill up the person-sized hole that scares them so much.

While doing some research on this trend, I came across a fascinating article from Mark Travers, PhD. In it, he broke down the power of online dating — specifically dating apps — and what they’re doing to the landscape of love and personal connection.

Because the brutal truth is this, as desperate as we are for company…dating apps aren’t always the perfect answer we hope for. Sure, digital dating can widen your options. But is that really a good thing? Sometimes, yes, but it comes with some important downfalls to remember too. (Before you invest in something you regret.

Online connections are real world contenders.

The digital dating frenzy came to its rise in the early 2000s, with websites like Plenty-o-Fish and Hello Cupid. Now, apps like Hinge and Bumble provide people with the ability to make new romantic connections. It’s become a core part of relationship culture in America and beyond. But there are serious downsides to online dating that we don’t always consider.

Yes, when we get online, we’re able to create more options for ourselves. There’s a lot more choice on the internet, and we’re free to get more specific about our needs and our desires when we’re choosing from the endless buffet of romantic options out there.

But those options are a problem. Among many others, having too much choice can make us value the people we have in front of us less than we should. The issues don’t stop there, though. There’s a lot of anonymity that comes with dating online and it can create walls that are hard to overcome. Conflict of interest is also apparent, though we usually ignore this with hearts in our eyes on the way down.

The 3 biggest flaws with online dating.

As Tavers’ acknowledged, online dating isn’t perfect. Dating apps can be powerful tools, but they can also come with some serious pitfalls. You must acknowledge these major flaws as well, unless you want to risk getting swept up in something you seriously regret.

A buffet of choice

Digital dating is a major temptation. A lot of that comes down the wide choices it offers. You have so many more options when you’re swiping through an app or scrolling through a website. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet that allows you to get really specific about what you want.

That choice can be a great thing. Especially if you’re stuck in a small town and you’re looking for a way out. It doesn’t work out, though, when you get caught up in a “grass is always greener” loop.

That’s the flaw. Having too much choices makes us more prone to think that there’s always a better option. People who adopt this belief can bounce through relationships, never getting more than surface deep. Because they’re always looking for better options, they never learn to appreciate what they have in front of them.

Total anonymity

Anonymity is nice. Especially in this increasingly digital world where it feels like someone is always watching. It’s a real hassle in the dating world, though, especially where all these dating apps and websites are concerned.

When you’re too anonymous with online dating, you get a toxic combination. This ability to change your shape and hide your reality is what creates more behaviors, like:

• Catfishing
• Ghosting
• Cheating

There’s no accountability. You can only be accountable when you’re honest about who you are. Hiding your real life allows you to create fantasies. Those fantasies hurt others, though, when they attach to them with love and optimism.

When we’re building genuine love, we have to be real, open, and present. There’s accountability with it too. We have to be our true selves in order to build trust and to be vulnerable with someone else.

Commercial drive

We can’t escape one really hard reality about these dating apps and dating websites (especially heavy hitters like Hinge or Tinder). Ultimately, dating apps exist to create profit. They need you to return to them, to pay them for new connections, and to seek love with a “grass is greener” mentality.

They need you coming back for more. And if they need you to come back, how serious can they be about helping you to find actual love?

There’s a distinct conflict of interest between what these digital platforms promise, and what they actually offer. Gamification, updates, and a smorgasbord of choice make it harder for their users to gain that meaningful connection they really crave…and these companies know that.

So in the end, we have to use these apps like anything else produced by a major corporation — with suspicion and levity. We can’t take what they promise too seriously. We have to keep our hearts open to meeting the right people in the real world, too.

Finding love in the modern age.

Even though digital dating has some major issues, it can still be a powerful tool in finding love in the modern age. Intentions are key. What you put in is what you get out of it. At the same time, dating apps and websites don’t have to be the end-all and be-all of your search for love.

Finding love in the modern age is still possible offline, too.

Keep your mind and your heart open. Look for people who have common interests, or who take a similar approach to life as you. Take your time. There’s no point rushing into something you want to hold on to forever. If you plan on it taking up a long time in your life, expect taking some decent time to build it.

Be proactive. Don’t sit on the sidelines and wait for “fate” to hand you some fantasy partner. Create a life you love and become the caliber of partner you want to attract. Get social. Put yourself out there, and connect with people who are working toward the same goals in their lives.

Want to go the dating app route? Be clear with yourself and any potential matches about what you’re looking for. Never allow your boundaries to be crossed and don’t settle for anyone who isn’t showing up as the right kind of potential partner from the start.

Have you found love in the digital world? Did you meet your partner on a dating app or on a dating website? There’s no right or wrong way to find the partner you need. If you haven’t found that partner yet, stay strong. The person you really need is out there, but you have to put yourself on the path to them. Stay true to yourself and be kind to yourself. We all bloom in love when the time is truly yours.

Tavers, M., PhD. (2022, November 1). 3 fatal flaws of online dating, and how to overcome them. Retrieved November 3, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/social-instincts/202211/3-fatal-flaws-online-dating-and-how-overcome-them

© E.B. Johnson 2024

I am a writer, artist, NLPMP, and podcaster who helps people build creative lives after trauma. In my free time, I have a passion for fresh bread, history, and all things watercolor. Learn more about me here. Join my mailing list. Or, support my writing by subscribing below.