What You Need to Know About Suicide and Helping Loved Ones
Answering your questions and sharing how my friends' immediate action saved my life.
Trigger Warning: Suicide, Self-Harm
The folding brown card table that served as my kitchen table was covered with colorful pills. I’d been collecting them for months, waiting for this night. With a bottle of vodka in my left hand, I scooped up my first handful and admired the colors with my drunk-blurry vision. Peace was at hand.
In those moments, I wasn’t thinking about anyone else. I wasn’t concerned with my girlfriend or the tremendous grief my parents would suffer. I didn’t think of the friends who would likely find me or the years of trauma it would cause. All I knew was the noise in my head was unbearable. Every minute of every day was overwhelmed with dozens of voices chattering in my mind. Anxiety made me afraid to leave the house, and sensory overload kept me from spending time with friends or even watching TV.
In the last seconds, before I put those first pills in my mouth, I made one last phone call. That call saved my life.
Suicide is never the answer
Before I go on, it’s vital you understand one thing: suicide is never the answer. Never.
Most of us understand this truth, but there’s another painful truth for those battling mental illnesses such as bipolar and severe depression: the unwell mind obsesses about ending your life. In fact, “90% of those who died by suicide in 2020 had a diagnosable mental health condition at the time of their death.”
How can you identify the warning signs of someone who may be suicidal? What can you do to help? What should you say to someone when they feel suicidal? The remainder of this story will answer those questions while sharing more of my experiences.
The value of discussing suicide
Suicide is a problem that is often overlooked. People don’t like to talk about it, because it’s uncomfortable. But suicide is a serious issue, and we need to talk about it more. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, “Nearly half a million lives (480,622) were lost to suicide from 2010 to 2020. During the same period, the suicide death rate increased by 12% and as of 2009, the number of suicides outnumbered those caused by motor vehicle accidents.”
Those rates terrify me, especially since I’ve been so close to death several times. We need to do better.
One way to help prevent suicides is by increasing awareness of the issue. September is suicide prevention awareness month. People need to know that suicide is not a solution, and there are people who care and want to help. There are many ways to get involved in suicide prevention, and every little bit helps.
Suicide was not a subject my family discussed other than the times when one of us, in the throes of undiagnosed bipolar turmoil, threatened to end things. When the moment passed, we never discussed it, so when my mind obsessed with ending my life, I didn’t have any coping skills to call on. If we discuss suicide, hopefully, it will help others know what to do when they feel that way.
Suicide Rates
According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), suicide is the 12th leading cause of death in the US, but much higher for certain age groups. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for ages 10–19, and second leading cause of death for ages 20–34. Over 1.2-million Americans attempted suicide during 2020, and that’s only the cases that were reported. Obviously, there’s still work to do in prevention.
What are the warning signs of someone who may be suicidal?
The warning signs of someone who may be suicidal vary from person to person. However, there are some common warning signs.
- Talking about death or self-harm
- Saying the world/family would be better without them
- Feeling hopelessness or worthlessness
- Talking about being a burden on others
- Abusing drugs or alcohol
- Avoiding friends, family, and social situations
- Experiencing severe mood swings
- Giving away cherished possessions.
Looking back, I don’t remember displaying many signs, but when I asked, friends commented on the things they saw. Some knew I was in trouble, but only one couple took action. The biggest signs at the time were when I stopped going out with friends and stopped going to Bible study. Others noticed a sadness in my eyes but never asked. Please ask. It’s better to offend someone than to let them suffer alone.
If you think someone is suicidal, what should you do?
If you think someone is suicidal, it’s important to get help right away. You can call a suicide hotline in your area or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. You can also take the person to the hospital or an emergency room. It’s important not to leave the person alone.
People with bipolar and other mental health disorders experience recurring thoughts of suicide. If you’re not sure how severe the current episode is, err on the side of caution. It’s better to seek care when it’s not needed than to take the chance and lose someone who was worse off than you thought. For many, there are no second chances.
How can you get help for someone who is suicidal?
If you are concerned that someone may be suicidal, the best thing to do is to talk to them about it. You can offer help and support, and connect them with resources such as counseling or therapy. You can also take the person to the hospital or emergency room. If you are worried about how to approach the subject, you can find more tips at The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).
What should you say to someone who is suicidal?
It’s important not to say anything that could further distress the person who is suicidal. Never say things like:
- “You’re just joking, right?”
- “There’s always someone who has it worse than you“
- “You have so much to live for”
- “Suicide is selfish”
- “You’re not thinking straight”
Some things you may want to say include that you care about them and want them to get help; that suicide is never the answer; that there are people who want to help them; and that they are not alone. Use phrases like:
- “I care about you”
- “I’m here for you”
- “You’re not alone”
- “I’m not going anywhere”
Make sure the suicidal person is not alone, whether that involves taking them to an emergency care facility and making a schedule where friends and family can take shifts until the crisis passes. This can include accompanying them to the bathroom or insisting they keep the door open.
Protection is more important than modesty during a mental health crisis. It’s important to be supportive and understanding and to let the person know that you want to help them get through their darkest days.
Help raise awareness in September
September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and it’s important that we all do our part to help prevent suicides. There are many ways to get involved in suicide prevention, and every effort helps. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has a page dedicated to helping people promote awareness. Download or make graphics and share them on social media.
My friends saved me
On my darkest night, my friends took action and saved my life. I’m one of the lucky ones who was stopped in time.
Within minutes of dialing the phone, my friend’s husband was pounding on my front door, almost tearing the door off the hinges, when I was slow to answer. He threatened to hog-tie me if I wouldn’t go with him willingly and then took me to his house. When it was clear they couldn’t save me from the manic spiral I was spinning in, they drove me to an emergency room and then on to a psychiatric hospital.
I have no doubt that if my friends had not taken immediate action, I would not be here today. I can never repay them for what they did, even getting their small children up in the middle of the night so they could take them to another friend’s house and focus on caring for me. Far too many are not saved in time, so we all have to do our part.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about suicidal thoughts, it’s this: they end. I live with Bipolar I, so thoughts of suicide pop in my head every day, but if I fight them, the worst feelings always pass. Had I died that night, I would have missed out on decades of an amazing life, including falling in love for the first time and publishing my first book.
We can bring down suicide rates if we all work together. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you see warning signs and ask for help if you have thoughts of self-harm. Life really does get better, but you have to keep living to see it. Never give up the fight.
Until next time, keep fighting.
