Summary

The author grapples with the complex decision of what to do with multiple sets of ashes from his father and his father's wives, whom he barely knew, in the absence of disposition instructions.

Abstract

The author describes a challenging family situation involving the inheritance of several urns containing the ashes of his father and his father's three wives. With no emotional connection to the deceased and no clear directives on how to handle the ashes, the author's brother initially places the urns in his garage. The author, who has a distant relationship with his family, ponders the fate of the urns and the potential existence of a market for used urns, discovering a surprising number available on eBay. The situation raises questions about family legacy and the handling of such personal items when there is no guidance from the departed.

Opinions

The author finds the idea of his father talking to the urns of his deceased wives somewhat disconcerting but acknowledges the personal nature of the mourning process.
He expresses a lack of interest in the details of his father's life after his second marriage and shows no emotional attachment to his father's third wife, whom he never met.
The author is taken aback by the discovery of a market for pre-owned urns, indicating a lack of prior awareness of such a niche.
He muses on the potential for the urn collection to grow and be passed down through generations, likening it to a re-gifted Christmas fruitcake, with a sense of bemusement and mild disdain.
The author suggests that the situation could be indicative of the complex and sometimes hidden stories within seemingly quiet families.
He encourages readers to engage in the discussion and share their insights, showing openness to different perspectives on the matter.
The author, a disabled wartime veteran, prefers readers to donate to veteran support organizations rather than offering him monetary appreciation for his writing.

What Would You Do With the Ashes of Someone You Barely Knew?

Better yet, what if you inherited several sets of ashes?

Have you ever run into one of those life or family situations where there is no particular right or wrong answer, and every option is fundamentally messed up? A few years ago, I encountered one such situation, and it still pops into my mind anytime someone mentions a funeral or similar event.

Background — Wife Number One

About 14 years ago, my mother passed away. My father had her cremated and placed in a decorative urn. He situated her urn in his house so that he could easily see and talk to her. I found the idea a little disconcerting, but who am I to tell anyone else how to manage their mourning process? Wife Number Two

A year or so later, my father remarried. My father and I were not close, and I never saw him again following the wedding to his second wife. She was a complete stranger to me. I met her once (at the wedding), and then for only about 10 minutes. The ceremony was simple, held in a barn (yes, I am serious about that), and lasted five minutes. We departed immediately following.

A few years later, his second wife passed away. He had her cremated and placed in an urn in a similar fashion as before. At that point, I suppose he had a pair of wives to talk to as he puttered around the house. I never asked and really did not care to know about the details.

Wife Number Three

A few months later, he married again for the third time. His third wife was also a stranger, and I never met her. After a few years, they both ended up in assisted care facilities. My father soon passed away in his mid-80s following a lengthy struggle with dementia. Per his wishes, my oldest brother had him cremated as well. Now, there were three urns. I am not an expert on such things, but I suppose this constitutes a collection.

The Conundrum

Following my father’s death, I believe my brother placed the urn collection on a shelf in the garage. He did not have a clue what to do with them. Unfortunately, wife number three was not mentally aware enough to make decisions and none of the three deceased individuals left behind disposition instructions for their ashes. Thus, the dilemma. What do you do with three sets of ashes of people with whom you did not have an emotional connection? Also, if you scattered or otherwise dealt with the ashes, what do you do with three used urns?

The Secondary Urn Market

I rarely talk to my brother, and he lives 800 miles away. To this day, I have no idea how he chose to handle the situation. Maybe he dumped out the ashes and sold the urns. I checked if eBay ever handled the resale of used urns just out of curiosity. Would you believe there were over 20,000 pre-owned urns available on eBay when I looked? Apparently, there is a used urn industry out there. I never had a clue. Frankly, I never wanted to know.

Family Legacy

I occasionally wonder what happened to the urn collection. Maybe the urns are still sitting on a shelf in my brother’s garage. They may be clocking time until passed down to one of my brother’s children. If this happens following my brother’s death and cremation, will the urn collection grow even larger? How will it end? When will it end? Perhaps they will repeatedly pass down from father to son like a re-gifted Christmas fruit cake. Only time will tell.

Oh, what sordid tales spring forth from otherwise quiet families throughout the generations.

Thank you for reading! Please respond to this article if you care to add to the discussion. Insightful thoughts and opinions are always welcome. Here is another article that you might enjoy:

Do You See a Half-Empty Glass, a Half-Full Glass, or Something Else?

An Asperger’s perspective on an old description of optimists vs. pessimists

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J.K.Hammond is a disabled wartime veteran, a grandfather, a professional mentor, and an advocate for autistic individuals. You may reach out directly to the author at [email protected]

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Readers often choose to acknowledge appreciation to writers by buying them a symbolic cup of coffee. If you are inclined to do so on my behalf, I prefer you give to a veteran support organization instead. Two of my favorites are the Tunnel to Towers Foundation (https://t2t.org/) and the Wounded Warrior Project (https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/).