What Would Ann Richards Do?

White Republican Texan Males Would Run Scared

Since I was born in Texas, I guess I’ll always be a Texan. But for the past couple of decades, not in a proud way.

For those of you who may be too young, Ann Richards was the Governor of Texas from 1991–1995. A. Female. Democrat. She was the last Democrat to serve as the Governor of Texas.

Like many Texas women, she had big hair. Her bouffants rivaled those of the B-52s. She was a Harley-riding, leather-wearing pioneer.

Texas has just passed some rather “interesting” laws. The most outlandish has to do with abortion. For instance, if you reported that a woman had an abortion after her first six weeks of pregnancy, you could win a bounty! Ten-thousand dollars worth! I am not making this up. And who pays said bounty? Why, Texans, of course!

Thankfully, a law further curtailing how its citizens can vote was struck down. Texas already has the most stringent voting laws in the country. But, unfortunately, Governor Abbott, who couldn’t keep his people warm last winter, will call a special session to try it again. Because it is so important that Republicans win elections in Texas. They really don’t want Black and Latino people to vote.

And now, in Texas, you can carry a handgun without a license or training. It was a scant three years ago that eight students and two teachers died, with 13 left injured, in a metropolitan Houston high school shooting. What short memories these lawmakers have. And what lush dinners they must be getting from the NRA.

Another bill was passed that controls how teachers can talk about America’s history of racism. Critical Race Theory teachings are now obsolete. Can’t do it. While the Emancipation Proclamation was signed in 1863, enslaved peoples in Galveston didn’t know that they were free for two and a half years later. They were the last to know that they could walk. And Union soldiers waited until the very last minute to tell them.

A new law bans any business operating in Texas from requiring any vaccine information. Way to go, suckas!

Finally, alcohol-to-go was such a success during quarantine that the legislators have decided it should become permanent. I bet MADD wasn’t too happy about that.

All of this was accomplished by the diverse group (because they’re from different counties) of white Republican men that you see below, along with eight women who look so happy. But are they? And why aren’t they mixed amongst the men? Why are they even there? This is a good ol’ boys club.

Now let’s just think good thoughts and pretend that Ann Richards returned to life and won the election for governor next year. (I think coming back to life is more likely.) She would be inheriting a big ol’ Texas mess. A known feminist, these laws would have to be overturned, and a few new ones put into place. These new laws would be known as “The Manhandlers.”

Voting: All forms of voting previously outlawed would be reinstated. But there is a caveat: every voter must take the citizenship test with a score of at least 80. You oughta know your country by now, right? White Republican men not making the mark would be shipped to blue counties in California for reeducation. Women who didn’t make the mark would be permitted to stay but would need to study up. Someone has to take care of the kids. And we’ve seen that the State doesn’t do such a good job.

Education: Texas requires two years of Texas History, in the fourth and seventh grades. Critical Race Theory would be a requirement in the curriculum of those classes. Additionally, since puberty begins at an earlier age, sex education would be part of the curriculum in health classes in the fourth grade. Modules might be masturbation techniques for boys (if they haven’t started already), and girls would be taught where their g-spot is. This will make sex easier and less awkward for all moving forward. Advanced sex education would be compulsory in the ninth grade.

COVID-19: All new residents to the state must show proof of vaccination upon entering Texas. Those who cannot would be held at the border in wire cages until they are inoculated in their sleep. Since they are more likely to be vaccinated, this will help bring more Democrats to the state. All currently non-vaccinated people must wear a mask until they get the shot. Late fees will go into effect, helping the state's coffers. (Not that they need it.)

Guns: Yeah, don’t worry, she won’t be taking your guns. However, every gun owner would be required to undergo a stringent background check (even if they’ve already had one). In addition, all would have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation before ownership, accomplished by a work-around of the HIPAA laws. They must also be vaccinated.

See how easy it is to get rid of white Republican men???

Gerrymandering: It stops here! She’d begin by integrating less-populated red counties adjacent to a neighboring blue county, positively affecting electoral votes in Dallas/Ft. Worth, Houston, Austin/San Antonio, and the El Paso areas. The Metroplex (Dallas and Tarrant counties) would be combined since Dallas County voted overwhelmingly blue in the 2020 election. Far fetched? Look at what’s already been done! This poor lady…

Speaking of counties, Texas has far too many of them — 254 last time I counted. To begin, the following four counties would be absorbed into neighboring counties since they’re all red anyway. Citizens must first attend a series of immersion groups with Democrats called “Pray the Red Away” — for destupidification. Hopefully, their opinions will rub off onto their new neighbors.

• Loving County — 64 total votes — voted 90.9% for Trump, Biden four votes.
• King County — 159 total votes — 95% Trump, eight votes for Biden.
• Borden County — 413 total votes — 95.4% Trump, 16 votes for Biden.
• Roberts County — 546 total votes — 96.2% Trump, 17 votes for Biden.

Senatorial Term Limits: The Supreme Court would have ruled on term limits for senators by this time. Thus, that big obstacle known as Ted Cruz would just be a blemish in Texas history.

Open Container Laws: This will have to be amended somehow as many of us like driving around with our to-go cups. Traffic doesn’t move anyway. But why should I be busted for drinking a canned margarita (which I got in the cooler at the 7–11 check-out line) when I could be drinking from an “alcohol to go” container? They seem to encourage drinking and driving in Texas.

Finally, she would institute a new law that could totally level out the playing field in Texas:

Small Penis Law: Upon learning that everything in Texas isn’t necessarily bigger (especially among men who drive monster pick-ups), all White Republican men will have to face the ruler. If they cannot live up to this measure (minimum 3.61" flaccid, 5.16" erect, averages by the British Journal of Urology International), they will be sent to “pumping camps” in New York or Massachusetts. They will be allowed to return once they live up to the state’s motto. And have been vaccinated.

Ann’s second term will focus on helping the remaining Texas residents familiarize themselves with the United States Constitution. In addition, there will be a renewed focus on civics in the state’s schools.

Ann would have her work cut out for her, but it’s better than secession. We don’t want to get rid of Texas. We just want a better (and even bigger!) Texas. And I might be able to call myself a proud Texan again someday.