What Women Want — It Isn’t Money, Looks, or Sex Appeal, Says Research
The top 5 qualities are all personality traits you can “work” on
As we grow up and transition across different stages of our lives, what we find desirable in a potential partner changes significantly.
In our teens, when we have the first feelings of desire towards someone, often it is all about the looks or the “image” the person holds at school. The high school heartthrobs are often the stereotypical sports stars, or cheerleaders, or the typical cool teen, as most high-school movies will tell you.
However, if you think back to your school and college days, and think of that most famous guy or girl, you’ll often find that when life moves on to the real world, those same popular people turn out quite average, in most cases.
According to a study that was conducted over a decade, led by Joseph P. Allen, a professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia,
Teenagers who tried to act cool in early adolescence were more likely than their peers who didn’t act cool to experience a range of problems in early adulthood.
So, what do people really care for in the real adult world? Well, a survey that asked 64,000 women from 180 different countries about the desirable traits in a lover shows some interesting insights. Let us take a look at the top five traits it reveals — and why these matter to women.
#1 — Kindness — Nice guys (or girls) don’t finish last
Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.
A whopping 90% of women rated kindness as a desirable quality in their lover. Kindness is a broad quality that can manifest in a person in many ways — but it essentially means that a person is friendly, generous, and considerate, especially when it comes to dealing with others.
As Albert Schweitzer’s quote above summarizes beautifully, a kind person will likely ensure there’s no misunderstanding or mistrust in a relationship — two things that can often ruin relationships forever.
Kindness in this sense is almost interchangeable with being “nice” — so it isn’t always that nice guys (or girl) finish last — clearly not in the world of relationships.
#2 — Supportiveness — You have my back, I’ve got yours
The very core of any relationship has to be an interdependence, reliability, or support system that the partners have for each other.
Everyone wants their partner to always stand by them and support them, no matter what. It’s a tough world out there and it is surely nice to know that there’s one person who’s always on your side, no matter what.
Especially, in a world where women are far from being treated equally, a supportive partner goes a long way.
Former Country Head of HSBC India, and editor of the book, 30 women in power: Their voices, Their Stories, feels that a common theme and viewpoint across these successful women was that career-oriented women should give importance to gauging the supportiveness of a partner while selecting their life partners as it is critical for their future goals.
Supportiveness isn’t limited to careers, as one chooses a long-term partner, there are multiple times when a partner’s support is important — whether it is facing cultural or familial differences, having a child together and parenting, financial independence, and support, in addition, to support for each other’s careers.
A long-term relationship is a two-way street, and that is the only way it can truly work.
#3 — Intelligence — Looks last a few minutes, intelligence lasts forever
Have you ever had an instant crush on someone the moment you saw them, but once you got to know them, you couldn’t really hold a real conversation with them even for a few minutes?
Having a match whose intellectual frequency matches yours is a huge part of a successful relationship. Appearances and looks are often a matter of habit — people that at first sight looked weird or unattractive to me have often turned out to be the closest bonds I’ve formed and their intelligence— both in terms of IQ and EQ have impressed me.
The thing with relationships is that you can’t just sit and look at each other forever, you need to constantly have conversations and so intelligence becomes a hugely desirable trait in a partner.
#4 — Education — Well read is often well-bred
This trait often ties into point #3. A person with a good education level, often is intelligent however formal education may not be a pre-requisite for intelligence, which can be of many kinds.
Yet, a good education often means that you can expect a person to be more aware and informed about the world, or be an expert in their own field. This often also translates into a stable financial standing, which is a key part of a successful relationship and a desirable trait in a person.
Being well-educated also makes you more aware of everything in the world, and hence opens up your horizons vs. an uneducated person. As a Chinese proverb goes:
“If You are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people”
— Chinese Proverb
#5 — Confidence — The superpower that can overcome anything
Confidence is a highly desirable trait in just about any context. If you can’t believe in yourself, it is highly unlikely anyone else will.
Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.
— Coco Chanel
This quote by the famous designer Chanel, quite aptly sums up what confidence means. Confidence is a measure of how comfortable you are in your own skin and your own abilities. It is often a lot easier to love someone who is sure of themselves, than someone who isn’t. If you don’t love yourself enough, it makes others doubt you a lot more and hence limits the possibilities of a true connection.
For many people, confidence is the one thing that can make or break how attracted they are to someone.
But what about the much-talked-about money and good looks?
Well, the survey indicates that money and physical attraction aren’t the most important traits but they do matter. However, the “average” body type was vastly preferred over “very muscular” types. This can be explained by the fact that having a superfit partner can often also ruin your own self-esteem, as you’re constantly trying to match up to their appearance.
There’s also the belief that a super attractive partner may attract unnecessary attention and competition!
However, when it came to looks, the most important factor seemed to be “height” as 90% of women wanted a partner who is taller than them. An attractive smile and attractive smiles were other key features that were important to women.
Money didn’t crack the top 5 of the survey but did seem important to women of some countries more than others. America was one of the top 5 nations to rank “financial security” as a desirable trait with about 60% of women wanting that in their partner.
Well, the verdict is quite clear — most of the traits that women desire in their partner have nothing to do with “in-born” looks and physical appeal, or being rich — but it is all personality traits that top the list.
So if you’re looking to get lucky and find a partner, work on your personality — be kind, supportive, intelligent, educated, and confident, and the world is your oyster!