What We Learned From The First Year Of Our Marriage

It built a stronger foundation for our relationship

As of today, Gabrielle and I have been married for almost six years. We were separated for almost a year since her seventh stroke. She was transferred to a stroke rehab facility that has the expertise and equipment to look after her.

I miss her around the house, talking to her, and having adventures together.

Ironically, her illness brings us closer together. I have not had one day without thinking about Gabrielle. I am doing my best to bring a smile to her face. With her fading cognitive ability due to her multiple strokes, I feel like our time is running out fast. I hope somehow there is a miracle that she would recover and come home.

The last few months I thought a lot about our journey.

My wife and I went out for three years before we got married. Every weekend we met we enjoyed each other’s company and expanded our social circles knowing each other’s friends.

We attended a pre-marriage course under the guidance of a couple. It was very helpful to have a better understanding of our communication style, commitment to marriage, what we prepared to do and not do, and how to resolve conflicts.

One may assume after we walked out from the wedding service our marriage life would be happy thereafter. Yeah right…

Having the awareness and knowledge about marriage is one thing but living through it is a very different story.

I am not sure if our experience is common or unique, I find the first year of our marriage was the most challenging. We are similar and also different. We have similar values but different personalities. We have a solid foundation but require a lot of love, forgiveness, patience and understanding to build a lasting marriage.

There were four areas that we needed to work through.

1. Difference in personalities

Gabrielle is an extrovert. She gets energy from talking and spending time with people. I am an introvert. I love people but I need time to be alone to recharge my battery.

During the week, Gabrielle stayed home looking after the house and preparing evening meals ( I am a lucky man!). She might catch up with her family and friends in between. I worked long hours, eight to twelve a day. When I came home, Gabrielle would be very excited to share with me about her day. I would have a headache. I could not have room for her mentally. I needed thirty minutes alone time before I was ready to listen to her. Initially, Gabrielle thought I was not interested in her day and made her feel like a “work widow”.

I made an effort to cut down my work hours and Gabrielle would leave me alone for a while before sharing with me about her day.

Another difference in our personalities is she is creative and I am methodical. She loves surprises and jumping from one place to another metaphorically. I want to plan ahead and get things done well before the deadline.

I recalled the first time that she cooked she used tons of dishes and utensils. When I came home from work and saw the state of our kitchen, I was beside myself.

During the weekend I made dinner. I showed Gabrielle how I cleaned up as I went. She got the idea. I appreciate my mother-in-law’s input too.

It may sound strange but I enjoy doing dishes and laundry. I love to turn chaos into something in order and harmony. I have a way to hang our laundry to maximize our clothesline space and allow the thickest laundry exposed to the best sunlight. I know I am a geek! Gabrielle, gladly handed over these two chores to me.

2. How we handle money

This is an important topic that couples need to have an agreement on, otherwise the marriage will struggle.

Gabrielle is a spender and I am a saver.

She was seriously ill before as a young adult and did not expect to live. There was not much point in saving anything.

I was a spender too when I was young. I was broke and struggled to pay off debts. I learned a hard lesson and turned to another way, a passionate saver!

The concept of sharing my bank account with a new person and sharing every asset I earned from my blood and sweat was not easy.

We both talked about this openly and honestly at the pre-marriage course and quite often during our first year of marriage.

I am very happy to say our difference brought about joy and harmony in our finances.

I put aside extra money regularly so Gabrielle and I could enjoy the fruit of our labor, attending musicals, going away for a long weekends, and we had been on four ocean cruises.

Gabrielle set aside some of her money to invest in shares, for the first time in her life.

3. The love language

In Gary Chapman’s book, the Five Love Languages, he describes how we feel love when we express our love languages.

· Words of affirmation

· Quality time

· Receiving gifts

· Acts of service

· Physical touch

Gabrielle’s love languages are physical touch, receiving gifts and words of affirmation. My love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service.

Both Gabrielle and I are champions in giving gifts. I got lucky as this is one of her love languages. She loves it when I turn up with little surprises or presents. The opposite is not true to me. Gifts do very little to me. I do appreciate the effort but that was it.

Gabrielle is fantastic at verbally appreciating me. I always felt encouraged when she did that. However, I seldom heard any word of affirmation when I grew up from my family, so I struggled to reassure and appreciate Gabrielle that way. I had to make an effort to say that to her.

Physical touch is not my love language but it is Gabrielle’s. I was happy to hold hands but when she hugged and kissed me as a habit I backed off. She would feel hurt and rejected. I observed her family has no problem showing affection but not mine. I had never seen my parents kiss or hold hands. I had to learn to change and speak this new love language.

4. Arguments

I am pleased to say we had more laughs than arguments. One argument that we had was when I asked if I could use one kitchen door to place Star Wars posters. She agreed.

After a long wait of a few months, I had all the posters ready. I was very excited and got up at 4 am to start my creation. I transformed our kitchen door into a Star Wars poster mosaic art. It was amazing. Unfortunately, it was not what Gabrielle perceived in her mind. She thought it was just one or two big posters but not full-blown mosaic art! I reminded her that I had permission but she said this was too much for her. Out of my frustration, I said I would take the posters down when I came home from work. Out the door, I went without saying goodbye to her.

I felt bad the whole day about being rude to her but also frustrated about why she was so fussy with the kitchen door.

When I came home Gabrielle apologized and she the posters could stay. She talked to her mum and she explained it was only a door. I apologized for being rude in the morning and kissed her.

I know this may sound trivial but Gabrielle is sick and not living at home now. I would rather she recovers and comes back home and we can have arguments.

Having constructive arguments is good, they help us grow our relationship.

I believe love is more than just a warm and fuzzy feeling. It is an intentional act. We choose to love even when our spouse may not look lovable at the time.

We got through almost six years of our marriage. We hope we have more to come.

I enjoy reading Steven Laine’s articles. He shared his challenges raising his two sons on the autism spectrum. He is also a keen runner like me.