What We Do For Others, We Do For Ourselves

Summary

The author reflects on the experience of helping a stranded couple and grapples with initial judgments to ultimately recognize the importance of compassion and self-awareness.

Abstract

While driving through the San Bernardino Forest, the author and her husband encounter a distressed couple with a broken-down car. Despite feeling uncomfortable and making quick judgments about the couple's situation, they call for help. The author later reflects on her prejudices and the human tendency to project one's own insecurities onto others, drawing insights from Byron Katie and Mother Teresa to emphasize the significance of kindness and non-judgment in helping others. The experience serves as a personal lesson in empathy and the realization that our perceptions are often clouded by our own biases.

Opinions

The author initially feels suspicious and judgmental towards the stranded couple, viewing their predicament as a result of poor choices and lack of preparation.
She acknowledges a sense of discomfort with her own judgments, recognizing that her perceptions are influenced by her personal biases.
The author references Anaïs Nin to illustrate how personal perspectives can color one's view of others, suggesting that we see others not as they are, but as we are.
Through introspection, she admits to having experienced similar feelings of being unkempt, dramatic, shut down, stuck, or unprepared, which helps her empathize with the couple.
Citing Byron Katie's Work, the author points out the importance of self-awareness and acceptance in overcoming personal projections onto others.
The author quotes Mother Teresa to highlight that judging others leaves no room for love and that the energy brought to acts of kindness is as important as the act itself.
She concludes that despite her initial judgments, stopping to help was the right thing to do and expresses gratitude for the self-reflective opportunity the encounter provided.

Roadside assistance on the way to becoming a better person

Last weekend, my husband and I went for a drive in the mountains. As we made our way along Route 38 in the San Bernardino Forest, we noticed a car on the side of the road, waving to traffic for help. We stopped to see what we could do.

I lowered the passenger side window. With arms spread wide and palms upturned, the woman pleaded with us to help them summon the highway police. They had blown a tire, had no spare, no tools, and no functioning cell phone.

The woman added, “The people who stopped before you just told us they couldn’t do anything. They said someone else would help us and just drove away!” Those people had been right about that, I thought. There my husband and I were.

I surveyed the scene quickly. The woman talking to us, slightly built and distraught, was missing teeth. Her clothes were disheveled. Another woman was on the roadside Call Phone, waiting for someone to answer. In the car, a man sat glumly behind the wheel, staring straight ahead.

We told them we could not help them ourselves but would call 911 for assistance, which we did. My husband gave the dispatcher the coordinates, and within a minute or so, we told them help was on the way, wished them well, and drove off.

“I didn’t feel very comfortable back there,” I told my husband as we continued down the road. He shrugged without responding. I dug a little deeper into my mind. Was it normal to feel suspicious of people in distress?

As I tried to verbalize why I’d felt uncomfortable, the word “untouchables” came to mind. I would never wish to socialize with people who looked and acted as they did — unkempt, dramatic (the woman we talked with), shut down (the man behind the wheel), stuck, unprepared.

I saw their predicament as resulting from poor choices and lack of planning. They’d set out on a drive, in the mountains, no less, unprepared, in an old car with old tires and uncharged cell phones. They weren’t kids, by the way. They looked to be in their 40s or so. The whole fiasco spelled irresponsibility to me. Their apparent lack of respect for themselves in that situation made me doubt their trustworthiness.

I also felt uncomfortable about having so many judgments about these folks after mere minutes of interacting with them. I remembered a quote by Anaïs Nin,

I remembered doing sessions of Byron Katie’s Work and seeing for myself, again and again, that we do indeed project onto others what we have not yet learned to accept in ourselves. Have I ever felt unkempt, dramatic, shut down, stuck, or unprepared? Who hasn’t? It’s even possible that I have felt all of these things at once.

Another quote comes to mind, this one from Mother Teresa:

We weren’t called on to make friends with the people we met on the side of the road, let alone love them. But the energy we bring to anything we do, especially benevolent acts, matters. Is it better to help people while judging them, or leave it to others with kinder intentions to step in?

In this case, stopping was the right thing for us to do. We gave the help needed, and our contact lasted long enough for me to reflect on the ways of my judging mind without passing along negative vibes to the beneficiaries.

And so it is that I thank them for that.

Thank you for reading my perspective. Have you had negative judgments about the people you were helping? How did the situation work out?