What we can Learn from Survivors in this Uncertain Time
Content Warning: References to Sexual Assault, Trauma
If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase “uncertain time” over the past two weeks, I wouldn’t be even slightly worried about how my family would financially manage the COVID-19 outbreak.
My husband and I stood in our kitchen, thinking about this uncertain time, about summer plans for a family trip, about my students who I miss desperately and worry about near constantly, about the disproportionate impact on those with marginalized identities, our friends and family who work in healthcare, and a normalcy and routine that I didn’t know how much I loved until I lost it. I hugged him, sighed deeply into his chest and said:
“I want my life back.”
That statement brought me right back to significant traumas of my life with an intensity which took my breath away. I know this sensation intimately.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I am a sexual assault survivor who navigates Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I also have the honor of working with and serving survivors in my career. Survivors know well the weight of “before,” the panic attacks that shake you awake in the middle of the night, heartbreaking isolation, dissociating through endless binge watches or other distractions, the deep fear of strangers that causes you to social distance far before it was mandated. Survivors recognize the way trauma hijacks your life, your identity, your normal.
As a result of this historic outbreak, there is widespread anxiety, panic, and an experience of collective trauma that will impact folks of all walks of life for years to come. Like many people who experience or witness suffering, I feel called to help but know that much is outside of my sphere of influence. What I can do is stay home and share with you the wisdom and hard-won lessons of survivors. As the great poet Morgan Harper Nichols once said, “Tell the story of the mountains you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.”
Here’s what I’ve learned from my survivor journey and from the incredible survivors in my life:
1. Small things first. Take a shower, drink water, eat a nutritious snack, light exercise you enjoy, practice good sleep hygiene. When your psychological well-being is hard to manage, start with your physiological well-being. Ask yourself, “What does my body need right now?”
2. Forgive your body and normalize the impacts of trauma. While we’re talking about physiological well-being, it is well documented that folks experiencing trauma can also experience chronic pain, intestinal distress such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome or constipation, and emotional dysregulation due to the nervous system being on high alert. If you or people you love are more prone to outbursts of anger, crying, or other emotions than usual, it is likely as a result of this dysregulation. It can be upsetting, annoying, and inconvenient. Try to remember that this is a normal reaction to an abnormal traumatic situation. Your body is trying to keep you safe and honestly like most of us, your body does not know how to react to this. Extend grace to yourself, your body, and to others as much as possible.
3. Rest when you can. Rest physically, rest spiritually (whatever that looks like for you- this can be prayer, meditation, breathwork), rest emotionally. Please release yourself from any real or perceived pressure to use this time to write the next great American novel, get a Master’s degree online, or discover gravity. Whatever rest your life circumstances allow, take it in spades. Rest is not an option; rest is a necessity.
4. Set boundaries. Allowing yourself to rest may often mean setting boundaries. Set limits on how much news you consume, screen time, how often you discuss COVID-19, and if you have the privilege to work from home like I do, set boundaries around work hours. Just because you are working remotely does not mean you should be available all the time.
5. Ask for help. And when you get the offer for the help you’re asking for, accept the help. Not only will you access help you need, its been proven that helping others is also good for the helpers, and gives others around you permission to ask for the help they need. Allow yourself to believe in the goodness of others and benefit from a healthy dose of faith in humanity.
6. Avoid the tendency to spiritually bypass your difficult emotions or the emotions and lived experiences of others. Spiritual bypassing is essentially a psychological defense mechanism where people use spiritual platitudes, an overuse of positivity, or deliberate avoidance of negative impact on others to bypass or override having to deal with negative emotions or crisis. There are salient criticisms of this tendency, which can be steeped in privilege. An example of this is a popular social media post which implies that Mother Earth caused the outbreak so we can reset and stop pollution. While that can be comforting at first, this is deeply insensitive and implies that our most vulnerable and marginalized populations are somehow worth sacrificing to have cleaner air. Like any trauma, healing is messy and we simply have to face the cruelty of reality. While many people may share this same experience, people will not experience this the same way. We must witness the pain and create change to address it. If there was ever a time to critically interrogate our systems, it is now. We can’t look away, we need to lean in and do the work.
7. Sit with your feelings. Particularly as a trauma survivor and for the survivors I work with on a regular basis, we’ve learned that while sometimes distraction is healthy and necessary, we must sit with our grief, our loss of control and normalcy, and our fears in order to heal and in turn, alchemize our pain into the power to help others, power to help ourselves, the power to carry on. Try journaling prompts, talking to yourself out loud like you would a friend, or thinking about your feelings while on a walk or run.
8. Talk to a therapist. Seek out resources to support your mental health. Many therapists are offering telecounseling or other virtual options, so even if you are staying home, you can still access quality treatment and support. There are also free options for mental health support. While not a substitute for long term care with a therapist, warmlines can fill the gap in a time of need. A warmline is a call line similar to a hotline that is staffed by peers who can listen to your concerns, grief, or challenges confidentially and refer you to local resources. You can access the directory of warmlines compiled by the National Alliance on Mental Illness here.
9. Harness the power of shared stories. One of the most impactful events I am a part of each year is Take Back the Night, a march in support of survivors of sexual and domestic violence that takes place across the world. These marches often include survivors sharing their stories and there is such a palpable energy and power in knowing that you are not alone. You can express your experiences of this outbreak through written word, through art or other creative means. This can not only be healing for you, but validating and normalizing for others.
10. Practice empathic listening. When someone shares their hurt with you, witness and validate their pain, even if it looks different from your own. If you can help others, especially financially, please do so but in most cases, it is impossible for you to fix their pain right now. Remember that empathic responses do not attempt to “one up” someone or get them to realize they could have it worse. Listen deeply and without judgement. Ask open-ended questions. Summarize their statement and reflect their feelings. For example, “Losing your job is difficult even in normal circumstances. It makes sense that you’re grieving your job loss and anxious about what’s next.”
Some of us will not emerge from the other side of this, but many of us will. And together, we’ll build a new life, a new world. Hopefully this new world that emerges will celebrate and magnify our interconnectedness, honor our front-line workers in healthcare, our fields, our grocery stores, our mental healthcare providers, respect the work of educators deeply, center the most marginalized, redesign our social safety net, and savor the simple things- a hug, birthday parties, holding hands, meetings that could have been an e-mail but damn it is so good to see each other, sports, weddings, memorials honoring those who have passed on, theatre and concerts, throwing graduation caps in the air… life.
There were times before this uncertain time where I wanted “my life back” desperately. Each time, I learned that while there is no going back, the version of me that I needed, stronger, more resilient, aligned with her purpose, was within me to waiting to emerge in my new life. I had to heal and invest in her to reveal her, but now I’m even more ready to help others survive this new trauma. It is past time to invest in the healing of ourselves and our world.
If you are hurting right now, I see you and I hear you. To paraphrase the powerful impact statement by Chanel Miller:
To people everywhere, I am with you. We are apart, but we are not alone.