Self

What Us Introverts Can Learn From Extroverts and Vice Versa

We sit at opposite sides of the social table, but that doesn’t mean we can’t gain wisdom from one another. Here’s why.

My ex and I had a huge blowout fight one night after a party. We were in our mid-20s, and she was a Goldstar extrovert who worked in sales and thrived in front of people.

I’m a writer who thinks weekends alone, in my world, reading, writing, and exercising are great times. I loathe crowds and everything about them, so I initially hesitated on going to this party. She barely knew any of the people there. They were all sales folks. I would have nothing in common with them — but I went along with it in the spirit of being a good sport.

We arrived at this convention center and were immediately in a room with 300 people stuffed inside like sardines. An 80s throwback band was playing at the front of the room. Food trays and tables were spread throughout.

I immediately lost my girlfriend as she disappeared into the sea of people and began walking on the ceiling, excited to be around so many people. She reminded me of when you first let your dog off the leash at a dog park, and he tears off and goes bananas with excitement. It was pure extroversion on display.

I made due and started mingling. The first guy I met was a car salesman who started bragging about how he juked some old lady during a car sale and made $5000 more than he should have.

Fairly quickly, I started checking my phone, wondering the age-old introvert-at-a-party question, “How long until I can ask to leave without seeming rude?”

I gave it two hours before making my first pass. In the end, we didn’t leave until almost five hours later, and I was completely drained.

We got into the car, and she was livid with me, “Why don’t you ever want to do anything?”

I wasn’t having it.

“Oh, by do anything, you mean do anything involving tons of people for 12 hours straight? Why do we always have to be surrounded by loud people? I don’t like it.” I retorted.

We went in circles and resolved nothing. She looked at me like I was this fundamentally flawed creature. She didn’t understand what an introvert was at the philosophical level or how or why we existed. In her eyes, we are an abomination in need of therapy.

This wasn’t the first or the last run-in we had over this topic. We should have vetted this subject prior to getting together. But we were young and easily swept up in the passions of our youth.

Perhaps I’ve always had a chip on my shoulder against extroverts due to my history with one. But there is much we introverts can learn from them, and vice versa. It need not always be so contentious.

Why we should think more like extroverts

Oxford scholars took a sample of 270 respondents and broke them into four groups: happy extroverts, unhappy extroverts, happy introverts, and unhappy introverts. Twice as many happy extroverts were present as happy introverts, which was unsurprising and in line with historical data.

In particular, scientists studied happy introverts and what made them tick. They found that happy introverts shared a key thing in common with happy extroverts: their vision for the future.

The happy extroverts were often talking about their dreams and goals with strangers and were more likely to achieve them as a result. The happy introverts either envisioned that future or shared it with one or two close friends — which was a key to happy introversion.

But this is also where extroverts can learn from introverts. We (introverts) tend to have fewer but deeper friendships. A study by Dr. Daniel Filer found that extroverts tend to have more shallow friendships, though they can be quite numerous.

Extroverts even tend to cluster into giant groups of loosely affiliated people, giving the impression to the broader society that more people are extroverted than they actually are (because they are so visible). My ex was appropriately described this way. Her social network was a wide lake that was only five feet deep.

Conversely, the issue is that many of us introverts don’t even have any friends at all. Going to parties and taking that initial first step doesn’t come naturally or easily.

Harvard researcher Dr. Jerome Kagan found during an experiment that he could predict whether a baby would be an introvert or extrovert based on how quickly they cried when exposed to a rattling noise in front of them.

The babies who cried much quicker tended to orient towards introversion later in life because it reflected an underlying sensitivity to overstimulation. Any introvert reading this is likely familiar with the sensory overload we feel at busy parties, malls, or other events that eventually leave us feeling drained.

How to enjoy a party like an extrovert

The breakthrough that helped me was my approach to social events. The thing I disliked was the surface-level conversation that didn’t go anywhere substantial. I could only tell so many people where I grew up, how many siblings I had, and what my favorite food was.

I learned that if I could zone in on the person in front of me, get past the pleasantries, start drilling them with curious questions, and have a real talk — both of us tended to have a better time.

When I first began this practice, I noticed the other person would initially be surprised that I was still talking to them about one subject and asking more questions, but then, they started to open up and enjoy being real.

It was far better than sitting there on auto-pilot and talking past each other. It also spared me from the knee-jerk desire to leave an event at the soonest possible moment, which could have consequences for the partner I’m with — who will always be more extroverted by me.

I would also caution fellow introverts not to allow their disdain for overstimulation and small talk to cause them to dislike extroverts and everything they represent.

Research has continually proven that we are at a much greater risk for loneliness at all stages of life, and being lonely is associated with myriad conditions, including depression.

Being lonely is an inevitable conclusion to an introvert not trying, so I would caution my fellows not to succumb to the most cynical conclusions about socializing with others.

I once waved extroverts off as face-time lunatics, and it didn’t help with my own mental health and happiness. It only fed my own negative feelings and cynicism towards people, which can easily become self-reinforcing.

There is no evidence supporting that introverts should self-isolate and that isolation is good for them indefinitely. We need people and human connections, too.

Takeaways

Go out into the world. Practice enjoying people like an extravert. Focus on one person and that conversation no matter how chaotic or crowded an event is.

To the extroverts among us, consider deepening your existing friendships — as that depth is also quite valuable.

If you have an introverted friend, consider yourself chosen because we rarely enjoy wasting our time with people we are lukewarm on.

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