What to Expect When You Might Never Be Expecting
When you realize that life can be just as fulfilling and adventurous without becoming a mother…
So you’re getting into your 40s and have realized that having a child might not be in the cards for you. Don’t worry. You are not alone.
Fifteen percent of women 40–44 do not have children, according to PEW Research data. We got here in different ways. Some of us struggled with infertility. Some of us had a miscarriage (or two, or three, or…) and didn’t make it any further. Some of us got to a certain age and decided we didn’t want to take that road, anymore. Some of us thought we were heading in that direction, but life took us on a sharp detour.*
I was certain I would be a mother someday. I didn’t even grieve when I had a miscarriage at 19. I thought I had so much time. I thought it was inevitable that I’d meet my daughter when the time was right.
I never expected to end up single and childless at 38. What were the chances that I would meet someone new and be able to start a family before I no longer could carry a child? The reality of the answer to that question was bracing.
I was certain I would be a mother someday… I thought it was inevitable that I’d meet my daughter when the time was right.
For a long time, I was devastated. I held on to my hope, but was also pragmatic enough to realize that things very likely weren’t going to turn out the way I had expected.
Of course, all is not lost for those of us who find ourselves in this place — stepping over the threshold of middle age, still hoping to have a family. Advances in medicine have made it possible for us to conceive on our own, even later in life. We can take advantage of sperm donors, IVF, or even surrogates. And heaven knows, there is always adoption, which I wish would stop being considered the fall-back option for women like me — or anyone who wants to start a family.
I ceaselessly pondered every option, though often with little enthusiasm. None of them gave me that spark that I felt when I thought of having my own little girl with someone I loved. And above all else, I really just didn’t want to become a single mother.
I realized that I had run out of options at that point. Except for the one that no one ever talks about: embracing childlessness.
It seemed impossible to walk away from a dream I had had since I was a child. Did I mention that I’d just assumed that motherhood was inevitable?
But as I made it further into my 40s, my grip started to loosen and I started to explore what my feelings and experiences might be without becoming a mother. And I was surprised to find that I discovered immense joy in unexpected places.
I realized that I had run out of options at that point. Except for the one that no one ever talks about: embracing childlessness.
For instance, I get to sleep whenever and however I want. I can go to bed right after dinner or at one in the morning. And if my anxious temperament doesn’t get in the way, I get to sleep through the entire night. On the weekends, I can sleep until 8:30 if I want to.
When I want or need to go somewhere — whether a vacation or the grocery store — I just go with little to no complication. I don’t need to arrange a babysitter, wrestle with a car seat’s fussy straps, make bargains in the cereal aisle, or worry about bringing extra diapers and hand sanitizer.
I can treat myself to silence in my home when I have a headache. I can do yoga without interruption. I don’t have to make decisions on what vaccinations to give my child or worry about orthodontist bills. I could even have a frisky afternoon with a lover whenever the hell I want.
What I didn’t expect from the gradual release of the expectations I had for my life is the expansion of time and possibility I sometimes feel. Who’s to say what could happen or when? I could fall in love again. I’m not dead, yet. Maybe we’ll elope and I’ll have a baby at 46, all those old dreams suddenly circling back to me. Maybe I will decide I do want to become a single mother and I’ll adopt at 50 like Diane Keaton or Hoda Kotb.
Life is a mystery. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?
It’s true that the surprises sometimes hurt. I never expected my former partner to end our relationship — not when he did and definitely not how he did.
But the surprises can also be heart-openingly, mind-blowingly miraculous, too. Like when we can let go and let life show us things outside the narrow scope of our childhood dreams. What about the infinite iterations of female adulthood that we haven’t even imagined?
Life is a mystery. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?
I’ve learned to expect nothing and everything. To expect wonder and amusement. Heartbreak and disappointment. Human frailty. Fear. Joy.
Most of all, I’ve learned to expect the unexpected. Nothing in my life has ever gone the way I imagined it would. And though I know many, many people who would say the opposite — that their life followed the exact pathway they had envisioned in their youth — I still assert that life’s objective is to astonish us.
Truthfully, I know there is no such thing as expecting to never be expecting. Or the opposite. It’ll happen. Or it won’t.
In the meantime, I will act like the mother I would want my daughter to know. I’ll show her that there is still joy to be had in disappointment, contentment to be found after heartbreak, and that a little sass can brighten the darkest of days.
If I meet her someday, I’ll get to show her all that. And if I don’t…that’s okay, too.
I’m learning to be happy either way.
*This article is about women who did want children but didn’t end up having them for whatever reason. I also celebrate and honor women who chose not to have kids, but obviously, this article was written from the perspective of those who did not make that choice.
© Yael Wolfe 2020
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