What to Do When Your Man Drives You Crazy and You Can’t Get Him to Change

A simple man-changing plan for every woman who’s ever been told she can’t — or shouldn’t — try to change her partner.

Hoo wee! I do love a fixer upper. Not in real estate, mind you. Gawd. Who wants all that sawdust and paint everywhere? No thank you!

I’m talking about fixing up a man — more precisely, improving him. That’s right. I’m talking about deliberately setting out to change your man. Just because.

Now I know this idea may seem backward and reactionary. After all, this is the 21st century, and you’re a civilized person. Plus, we’re talking about someone you love and respect. You want to honor his boundaries. You’re very evolved.

But here’s the thing. Don’t you just want him to do stuff your way? Because it’s better?

Thought so.

Now if you’re anything like me, you’ve been told it isn’t possible…isn’t right…can’t be done…and shouldn’t be done! To which I say, by golly, let’s rustle up some gumption and give it a go anyway!

You got this

Sugar, the fact is you not only can change a man, I would argue that you already have and will continue to do so. That’s right. You are already a veritable man-changing, husband/boyfriend-improving machine.

Case in point: I was perusing pictures of my fiance and me from our early days. He was fresh from an eight-year, on-again-off-again romance. I was a wide-eyed romantic making my way in the harsh cold world of dating.

There we were in the pictures, arms around each other, snuggling close in front of a 16-foot Christmas tree, adorned from top to bottom in gold sparkly bows and twinkly lights. It was our first trip to the spectacular Longwood Gardens Christmas lights.

Then I noticed something odd: He was barely smiling. Oh sure, he was leaning in close to me. His mouth was turned up in an expression that wasn’t unhappy. But it wasn’t the toothy, wide-mouthed, crinkly eyed, fresh from a belly laugh smile like the pictures today.

Obviously his megawatt smile today is because I am a far better woman than his previous girlfriends. Not just better for him, mind you, but better. As in a better person.

Aw shucks, I’m just kidding.

But what was the reason? I combed through picture after picture, and about two years in, I noticed a change. He had gone from a tentative, I’m-not-sure-if-I-can-relax-and-be-myself look on his face to one of sheer, unabashed joy.

The recent pictures were relaxed, confident, and more genuine than those from our early days, and they belied a happiness from the inside that only an Academy award-winning actor could fake.

I was delighted. But what could account for this change? Naturally, my sheer awesomeness was a factor. Yet surely that couldn’t be the only difference.

A few days later, when I was talking to my progressive-turned-reactionary brother, it hit me. My brother was telling me that ammunition might be a nice birthday gift for my 18-year-old nephew because he’d recently acquired a gun. Stunned, I muttered something about putting my head — er, I mean, checking on something — in the oven. Then I got off the phone fast.

When did my brother begin raising a gun-toting, Trump-voting, reproductive-rights-limiting reactionary? After all, we’d both grown up in the same liberal Democratic household.

Then I realized what happened. My brother married a gun-toting, Trump-voting, reproductive-rights-limiting reactionary. She’d rubbed off on him.

The no fuss, no muss man-changing plan

I wasn’t mad about it. (I believe all of God’s creatures deserve respect, love and kindness. Even the Trump voters.) I was overjoyed. Because it showed me that yes, Virginia, it is possible to change a man. Not only that, but you don’t have to struggle to do so.

Social scientists have known for years that married couples begin to look alike after living together for awhile (and not just because they start dressing in matching outfits for the Christmas photos).

In a 2010 study from the University of Michigan, Psychologist Robert Zajonc analyzed photos of couples from when they first got married and 25 years later. In the recent photos, spouses looked more like each other, perhaps because they mimicked each other’s expressions.

But I think it’s more than that. I think that over time, we take on the characteristics, attitudes, mannerisms, beliefs and values of the people we live with. In short, we rub off on each other. We can’t help it. We are social by nature.

This is good news if you have a vagina. Because as you know, we vagina people love to change our men. (Really, we love to change all the people in our lives, but we especially love to change our men).

Some say it’s because of instinct. Others say it’s the influence of estrogen or the cultural pressure to be perfect. I say who cares? It doesn’t matter why we’re like this. What matters is how to do it successfully.

Why accept him when you can change him?

For years, I tried to suppress these urges. I’d read books about accepting your man. They’d preach the gospel of emotional intelligence and the life-changing power of letting go, and I’d think, “Why can’t they just tell me how to get him to pick up his socks?”

I couldn’t help it. I just wanted stuff my way. And by stuff, I mean trash. I wanted him to take out the trash. Even more than that, I wanted him to want to take out the trash. To think about it in advance, to plan for it before the day came. I didn’t want to remind him at the last minute. I wanted it to be his idea.

Is that so wrong? Is there a moral relationship imperative that says you have to accept your spouse’s waste-disposing habits or lack thereof? Has an edict come down from on high proclaiming that all women should laugh at Dad humor even if we know it isn’t funny? (Yes, Three Stooges lovers, I’m talking to you.)

Who among us hasn’t had an uncontrollable desire to straighten a tie, look disdainfully at a partner’s choice of loungewear, or scoff a man’s unwillingness to ask for directions after driving in circles for hours? Certainly not I.

So here’s the thing. You know you want to do it. Even better: You absolutely can do it. In fact, you’re doing it right now. Just by living, talking and doing things together, you and all of your awesomeness will rub off on him.

Isn’t that great?

Okay sure, he won’t necessarily adopt your trash-dispensing preferences overnight. It may take time. Well, to be honest, he may never adopt them.

But that’s not because you can’t influence him. In fact, it’s highly likely that not only is he is already adopting your habits, values and behaviors, you are also adopting his.

So even if he doesn’t take out the trash the way you want, you can take comfort in knowing this: He will probably start giving you that same fake bewildered look you give him when he asks if you can change the furnace filter.

That’s because while you are secretly changing him, he’s secretly changing you, too.

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