What to Do When Someone You’re Dating Pulls Away
Tell me if this has ever happened to you:
You’ve been on a handful of dates with someone and it’s going great! They’ve brought up wanting to see you again and you’re so excited to have finally found a match.
Then…without warning, you’re pretty sure you notice them pulling away. They text less, their replies take longer, they’re using fewer emojis, and they haven’t set up another date.
Nooo!! What should you do? Here are some tips for how to approach this situation:
1. Check the facts
The very first thing you need to do is examine the facts. Not your anxiety, not your fears, but the cold hard facts.
Are they legitimately busy with work? Are they on vacation? Do they have a valid reason for texting less or not setting up a date, that they may have even told you about? Are they truly texting less cute stuff or have your expectations increased?
Looking at the facts is a necessary first step because it allows you a moment of pause and reflection vs. letting your anxiety take the wheel and ruminating into oblivion.
2. Don’t gaslight yourself
The important next step after checking the facts is tuning into how you feel. If your gut is saying something is off, it probably is. If after checking the facts and pausing, you still feel like they’re pulling away, then believe yourself.
Feeling anxious when someone’s behavior changes in an unpredictable way is a NORMAL HUMAN REACTION.
3. Take time to process your emotions
Someone pulling away can scratch old wounding, like abandonment or not being chosen. It’s important that you name and recognize what you’re feeling and take some time by yourself to process these feelings before you react.
Even if it feels like this person pulling away is causing these BIG feelings you’re having, it’s deeper than that. Their actions are symbolic of something you’ve been through before, and the best way to have a level head in the present is to ensure you’ve taken time to process any past emotions that are coming up.
4. Communicate your observation
After you’ve taken time to process your emotions, the next step is to communicate your observation to the person you’re dating in a non-confrontational way. Here is what that can look like:
“hey there, I’ve noticed you seem a bit distant lately — is everything okay?”
Open-ended, non-accusatory questions are a great way to give someone a chance to explain where they’re at. Maybe they truly have been overwhelmed and unable to reply. Or maybe they’re not feeling it anymore with you. Either way, by asking, you’ll get some clarity.
5. Allow time and space for change
After you’ve communicated with them (and they don’t want to end things with you) allow them some space and time for either their circumstances or behavior to change. Life happens and people get stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, etc. Sometimes people need grace and patience to get through a temporary low point in their life.
6. Decide if they’re capable of meeting your needs
If after a month or two, nothing has changed, consider that this person may not be your match. Whether timing or level of interest, if you’re consistently feeling like someone is distant and unable to meet your needs, you’re allowed to walk away with your head held high.
Maybe it’s not the right time for them to be in a relationship. Maybe their priorities aren’t aligned with yours. Maybe they’re emotionally unavailable. The reason doesn’t really matter.
What does matter is this: you deserve to be with someone who isn’t making you feel constant anxiety due to their lack of presence.
If this resonated, you may be interested in my upcoming book, Looking for Something Serious. In this book, I explore all of the struggles and frustrations that come with modern dating. I wrote it to help others feel less alone on their dating journeys. You can sign up for my mailing list at lauren-josephine.com or follow @lookingforsomethingserious on Instagram to be notified when I publish!