How To Survive a Best Friend Heartbreak

Not all women find a best friend for life, and that’s ok

Women are wonderful.

I admire everything about us. Our strengths and sensitivities, the way we fight injustices, our compassion, courage, beauty.

Of course, we don’t always agree, and sometimes we clash. Sometimes, we even tear each other down.

Still, I’m always enchanted by female energy. I want to hear all our stories. I love how strongly we can resonate, support, and empower each other. How powerful we can be when we stand together.

But I also have a history of struggling with female friendships. It’s why in recent years, I’ve been shy as hell around women.

And it used to annoy me a lot.

The more successful and powerful the woman next to me was, the more self-conscious I felt. The more I liked her and was drawn to her personality, the more afraid I was I’d say something stupid. The more I loved her style, the more worried I was about being boring.

When I started noticing this pattern, I often wondered why. Was I strange for finding it hard to connect with women on a deeper emotional level?

Eventually, it became clear that I’ve been carrying a fear.

All bruises don’t heal

‘Game!’ the teacher shouts from her high chair by the volleyball net.

There are five of us girls on each side of the net, and as the white ball bounces back and forth, I watch it with terror. I’m dreading the moment it reaches me.

When it happens, I try to shoot the ball to the other side of the net. And fail.

‘What on earth are you doing?’ the best girl in our team screams at me. ‘You just lost us a point!’

‘Sorry,’ I mumble. The teacher says nothing.

‘Game!’

The ball is aimed at me again. I try so hard to get it over the net, that I later find a purple bruise on my wrist. Again I fail.

“You must be joking!’ she shouts again. My face now matches my Red-Team tank top.

The teacher says nothing.

I was never good at volleyball, or any team sport for that matter. This girl, on the other hand, excelled at everything. Always the team-leader. The fastest runner. The best rope-skipper. And if you weren’t up to her standard, she’d sure as hell let you know.

And instead of interfering, the teacher’s twisted secret pleasure seemed to be watching us clash.

The more powerful the woman next to me is, the smaller I get.

At school, the girl I wanted to be best friends with, enjoyed attention from multiple others. And she knew how to keep us on our toes. I remember feeling over the moon every time she announced: “You’re my bestie now”, only to turn her back on me a week later, walking away with someone else.

“I’m not talking to you anymore” she’d say. “She is my best friend now.” This went on and off for a long time, well into our teenage years.

Every friendship I jumped into, I invested in it with an open heart and adored the girl unconditionally. Despite that, none of my teenage or twenty-something friendships with girls went well.

One lasted around a year but we grew apart as quickly as we first connected. Then came a cherished bond with this beautiful rebel-angel, who I looked up to and loved to bits, and who took me to my first ever real night out. Things ended when she died in a car accident.

There seemed to be a pattern I couldn’t shake off. So I started to prefer hanging out with guys. Their friendships seemed less demanding, less complicated somehow.

My last best friend was incredibly real. For some time we had so much fun. We were completely honest with each other and supported each other equally. We laughed and cried together. We helped each other through moves and job struggles, went on double dates, and danced countless nights away at the most insane raves. It was fantastic.

Until the inevitable déja-vu.

‘My old friend from school is coming to live in London’, she said one day.

Tiny sharp pain pinched at my heart. I immediately waved it away. “That’s amazing,” I grinned.

Over the next few weeks, I tried hard. And I think she did too. But their bond was older, more established, rooted. The three of us went out together a lot, and I somehow couldn’t breathe as freely.

Heartache. Jealousy.

They talked about people I didn’t know and events I hadn’t been at. They bounced off each other’s jokes. Suddenly I felt like an awkward mismatch. The dreaded third wheel.

I watched us gradually drifting apart. Yet another friend of my dreams was slowly walking away from me. Was she with me only because her true best friend had lived elsewhere?

The more I like a girl, the more afraid I am of feeling stupid.

So I completely withdrew. I left them to it. And I gave up on female friendships for a long time.

A non-binary coffee-buddy opened a new door.

It wasn’t until more recently, when I met some people who described themselves as gender-fluid, that I understood where I was letting myself down.

I went for a few coffees with this lovely non-binary human, who’s previously had their own fair share of limiting gender presumptions projected on their life.

They helped me realize I’d been fencing myself off, by letting past events hold so much importance today. And also, ironically, that I have been focusing on gender too much.

I had great friends. Mostly guys. Was I unconsciously shutting myself away from women because I expected they would hurt me again? I wasn’t being fair.

In fact, I was doing the exact thing I otherwise always avoid — projecting expectations on people based on which toilets they use in a bar.

What would happen if I opened up to connect with people as humans, as individuals? What if I threw the whole binary concept out of the window for a while?

Navigating this new idea changed my entire perspective.

If you are worried about not having a best girl-friend, you’re not alone.

Many of us don’t. Quality friendships can be hard to find, and even harder to maintain. Every situation is unique and reasons differ, but one thing remains the same:

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes not even the wildest girls’ night out means you’ll find your match.

If your best friend is a guy, it’s ok. It’s also ok if you feel like your friendships are missing that unexplainable spark, which would upgrade them from good to best.

Also, now doesn’t necessarily mean forever. Odds change all the time.

Remember:

• Seeing people as individuals, rather than drawing a strict line, takes the pressure away.
• Heartbreaks have nothing to do with any particular group of people.
• More fluidity means more opportunities.
• If a friendship becomes hurtful, it’s ok to take a step back.
• But don’t be afraid to open up again.
• Don’t worry about the people who seem to have hundreds of friends everywhere they go. Quantity isn’t always quality.
• Having good friends is good enough.
• Loving, sparkling, unconditional friendships are always rare and always fragile.
• Be patient, and kind with yourself.

Most importantly, be your own best friend, always. No one else can give you what you can’t give yourself first.

Now I know I want to keep my options open.

Even if it takes work, vulnerability, and perhaps another heartbreak, I’m not giving up on girls ever again. What happened to me had nothing to do with their gender.

It was just bad luck.