What To Do If You Encounter A Coyote — Namely, Longtime Ken Burns Film Narrator Peter Coyote

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<p id="eb56">Make yourself as big and intimidating as possible by standing tall and waving your hands over your head while making loud noises. For maximum effect, try yelling things like, “I THINK NARRATION IS A LAZY FORM OF STORYTELLING! EVER HEARD OF SHOW DON’T TELL?” or “I MUCH PREFER THE WORK OF ERROL MORRIS OVER KEN BURNS, WHOSE DOCUMENTARIES LACK A CRITICAL PERSPECTIVE AND TOO OFTEN RELY ON CHEAP EDITING TECHNIQUES, SUCH AS ZOOMING AND PANNING OVER STILL IMAGERY, TO CONVEY UNEARNED EMOTION!”</p><p id="8bec">Of course, you don’t actually mean any of it, but the more personal you can get, the more likely Peter Coyote is to flee in fear back to his den.</p><p id="448d">Whatever you do, do not turn your back and try to run away from Peter Coyote. Not only is he much faster than his 79 years of age would lead you to believe, but he thrives on the chase, and will not relent until he has tracked down and sunk his teeth into his prey. Once that happens, the only thing you can do is play dead and hope that he will lose interest, like most viewers did somewhere around the nine-hour mark of <i>The Roosevelts</i>. I mean, sure, it helped revitalize the economy and shaped America’s welfare system for the remainder of the century, but there’s only so much New Deal talk one person can handle, no matter how enthralling Peter Coyote’s narration may be.</p><p id="dff9">Don’t make any sudden movements. Instead, back away as slowly and calmly as possible while maintaining eye contact with Peter Coyote. If you have a small dog with you, keep it on a short leash or pick it up. Although Peter Coyote attacks on pets are rare, you don’t want to take any chances, especially if he feels threatened or has recently lost another Emmy for Outstanding Narrator to David Attenborough.</p><p id="cefc">To preven # Options t future encounters with Peter Coyote, avoid areas where he is most likely to be found, such as PBS pledge drives or documentary film festivals. Also, try to limit your interactions with Ken Burns, since Peter Coyote is often not too far off and is extremely protective of his pup. To be safe, avoid contact with anyone who has a bowl cut and/or a deep fascination with documenting uniquely American subjects in a comprehensive, detail-oriented fashion.</p><p id="70c7">Unfortunately, as people continue to feed him and employ him to narrate sprawling, 18-hour long documentaries filled with archival footage set to simple musical leitmotifs, Peter Coyote sightings are becoming increasingly common in urban areas. Just remember, Peter Coyote is far more afraid of you than you are of him, especially since you’ve wandered into his backyard in the middle of the night and are now jumping up and down with your arms in the air while yelling out insulting comments at the top of your lungs. No, seriously, what are you doing on Peter Coyote’s property? Didn’t you see the “NO TRESPASSING” sign?</p><p id="ae8b"><b><i>Read more Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge winners:</i></b></p><div id="8565" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/slackjaw-humor-writing-challenge-2021-the-winners-fa5a164c3ae"> <div> <div> <h2>Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge 2021: The Winners</h2> <div><h3>All winners from the 2021 Challenge…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*C0zXaEDMAy8OMd6amUPDiw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Do not approach or attempt to pet Peter Coyote.

So you’re walking through the woods, enjoying the relaxing sights and sounds of nature, when out of nowhere you find yourself face to face with a coyote. But not just any coyote. Peter Coyote, accomplished American actor of more than 130 films and Emmy Award-winning voice artist, best known for narrating such Ken Burns documentaries as The National Parks: America’s Best Idea, Prohibition, The Dust Bowl, The Roosevelts: An Intimate History, Country Music, and, most recently, Hemingway.

First of all, do not panic. Peter Coyote can sense weakness and will not hesitate to pounce on it, much like how the North Vietnamese and Viet Cong forces launched a surprise attack on cities and military bases in the South on the eve of the Tet Holiday, resulting in devastating losses to the American troops, as depicted in episode 6 of PBS’s 10-part series The Vietnam War.

Though it may be tempting, never approach or attempt to pet Peter Coyote. Remember, as beautiful a creature as he may be – with his salt and pepper goatee, distinguished good looks, and golden voice of an angel – Peter Coyote is still a wild and dangerous animal, capable of tearing you limb from limb.

Make yourself as big and intimidating as possible by standing tall and waving your hands over your head while making loud noises. For maximum effect, try yelling things like, “I THINK NARRATION IS A LAZY FORM OF STORYTELLING! EVER HEARD OF SHOW DON’T TELL?” or “I MUCH PREFER THE WORK OF ERROL MORRIS OVER KEN BURNS, WHOSE DOCUMENTARIES LACK A CRITICAL PERSPECTIVE AND TOO OFTEN RELY ON CHEAP EDITING TECHNIQUES, SUCH AS ZOOMING AND PANNING OVER STILL IMAGERY, TO CONVEY UNEARNED EMOTION!”

Of course, you don’t actually mean any of it, but the more personal you can get, the more likely Peter Coyote is to flee in fear back to his den.

Whatever you do, do not turn your back and try to run away from Peter Coyote. Not only is he much faster than his 79 years of age would lead you to believe, but he thrives on the chase, and will not relent until he has tracked down and sunk his teeth into his prey. Once that happens, the only thing you can do is play dead and hope that he will lose interest, like most viewers did somewhere around the nine-hour mark of The Roosevelts. I mean, sure, it helped revitalize the economy and shaped America’s welfare system for the remainder of the century, but there’s only so much New Deal talk one person can handle, no matter how enthralling Peter Coyote’s narration may be.

Don’t make any sudden movements. Instead, back away as slowly and calmly as possible while maintaining eye contact with Peter Coyote. If you have a small dog with you, keep it on a short leash or pick it up. Although Peter Coyote attacks on pets are rare, you don’t want to take any chances, especially if he feels threatened or has recently lost another Emmy for Outstanding Narrator to David Attenborough.

To prevent future encounters with Peter Coyote, avoid areas where he is most likely to be found, such as PBS pledge drives or documentary film festivals. Also, try to limit your interactions with Ken Burns, since Peter Coyote is often not too far off and is extremely protective of his pup. To be safe, avoid contact with anyone who has a bowl cut and/or a deep fascination with documenting uniquely American subjects in a comprehensive, detail-oriented fashion.

Unfortunately, as people continue to feed him and employ him to narrate sprawling, 18-hour long documentaries filled with archival footage set to simple musical leitmotifs, Peter Coyote sightings are becoming increasingly common in urban areas. Just remember, Peter Coyote is far more afraid of you than you are of him, especially since you’ve wandered into his backyard in the middle of the night and are now jumping up and down with your arms in the air while yelling out insulting comments at the top of your lungs. No, seriously, what are you doing on Peter Coyote’s property? Didn’t you see the “NO TRESPASSING” sign?

Read more Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge winners: