What to Do If One of Your Parents is Unfaithful?
Navigating the Emotional Labyrinth of Parental Infidelity
Recently, I learned about the ordeal a university friend went through due to her mother’s infidelity to her father. She grappled with the challenging separation of her parents, and as a result, she never married or had a stable partner. That, my friend, deeply personal bad experience inspired me to write on the subject.
Handling a parent’s infidelity is a delicate, emotional, and personal process. How you approach the situation will depend on many factors, including your values, your relationship with each of your parents, and the specific circumstances of the case.
Infidelity definition
Infidelity is the “abuse of trust and/or transgression of consented upon rules” within an amorous, intimately, and emotionally exclusive monogamous relationship.
Parental infidelity can destroy the expectations that children had of their parents; the role models they believed would always provide a sense of safety and security. Therefore, when parents do not meet these expectations, children are likely to experience distress. It would be satisfactory to know what the lived experience of parental infidelity truly encompasses.
A predominant theme elucidated in the existing literature is the implications of parental infidelity for adult children’s romantic relationships. Adult children who had experienced parental infidelity were likely to experience difficulty maintaining healthy romantic relationships.
Studies have found that the majority of participants stated that their experience of parental infidelity decreased their ability to trust their romantic partners. Among people who have experienced parental infidelity, a weak or completely absent sense of trust in their romantic relationships may reduce the level to which they are willing to be guided or supported by their romantic partners and/or are able to experience sexual relationships.
This decreased sense of trust has been found to be positively correlated with these individuals being more likely to commit infidelity themselves.
Here are some considerations and steps you might consider if you find yourself in this challenging situation:
Self-assessment: Before making any decision, reflect on your feelings. Ask yourself how you feel, the impact on your relationship with both parents and what you want to achieve from the situation.
Seek support: Talk to someone you trust about your feelings. This can be a close friend, counselor, or therapist. It is essential to have a safe space where you can process your emotions.
Talk to the unfaithful parent: Before deciding whether to talk to the other parent, consider confronting the unfaithful parent. Express your feelings, ask questions, and seek to understand his perspective. There may be aspects of the situation that you are unaware of.
Consider the implications: If you decide to talk to the other parent, be aware of the possible consequences. This could trigger conflict, separation, or even a divorce. On the other hand, the other parent may already be aware of the situation and handling it their way.
Don’t feel responsible: You are not responsible for your parents’ actions or keeping their secrets. However, you are responsible for handling the information and your actions.
Protect your relationships: Regardless of how you handle the situation, your relationships with both parents may change. It is essential to remember to take care of yourself and set boundaries that protect you emotionally.
Decide if you should say something: There is no right or wrong answer here. Each situation is unique. Some people choose to talk to the other parent, while others do not for various reasons. Make the decision that you feel is best for you and your family.
Seek professional help: If the situation is too overwhelming, consider seeking family or individual therapy. A professional can offer a neutral perspective and tools to handle the situation.
The pathway to healing
Whilst parental infidelity can be a traumatic time, the current study suggests that there may be restorative elements of the experience, and it may be important, particularly for clinicians, to understand, that facilitating a space to recognize, acknowledge and reflect on these elements may be an effective way to re-frame this experience for clients.
Furthermore, it may be helpful for clinicians to encourage clients to intellectualize the infidelity; to explore thoughts about why the unfaithful parent may have behaved in this way. This certainly does not in any way suggest that offspring should avoid the affective response elicited by the infidelity, but rather, to take various perspectives to gain a more profound insight which may aid the process of understanding and acceptance to some extent.
Family/systemic therapies may be particularly valuable here; by creating a therapeutic space in which open, honest conversations about the infidelity and its potential subsequent ramifications can be had, without imposing rules on children about keeping secrets or upholding topic avoidance. This can relieve children of negative emotions and protect children from some of the negative implications of the absence of honesty.
Handling a parent’s infidelity is complicated and painful. It is advisable to take care of yourself and try to take emotional distance as much as you can. If you could not cope with the situation, seek for professional support.
References:
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13229400.2021.1956997