What to Do and What Not to Do in Response to a Kindness

Kindnesses are always special, whether they are big or small. Here are a few things to consider when someone does something nice for you. At least from my perspective. I’d love to hear yours.

There was a time when I had many mentors and friends who taught me how to be kind and kinder and how to pay things forward. Also, at a time when I had the energy and time to do more things for people. I hope that time will come back in a new form soon.

I was also big into contests when I was younger. In fact, I have always liked contests and even had good or great results with them sometimes.

They say you shouldn’t give the fish to someone but teach them how to fish themselves, but sometimes things are more complicated, and you have to do more work to help someone.

Here’s the story. A friend of a friend here in Romania was very talented at comics. I mean, amazing. I was not into comics but could recognize the talent from a mile away. But he wasn’t making the most of them. He was publishing them, I think, in local magazines, but the pay was little, and his talent and time and energy went mostly unnoticed.

So I decided to look up a contest for him online. Of course, he could have done that himself, but he didn’t have the kind of mentality to try something out of the ordinary. You know what they say: if you want to win the lottery, you have to buy a ticket. Well, this was no lottery, but something that I felt was reasonable. Something that made sense, given his talent.

I can’t remember exactly if the contest description I found mentioned that he had to have a website or not (it probably didn’t 🙂), but I was into making websites at the time, and I built one for him. I also scanned a large part of his work and put those pages on a CD. It all took me some time, but I was fired up because I believed in him and I wanted to support him.

Now, of course, I didn’t mail the CD for him; he did that himself. And he won the contest! And the organizers not only gave him a prize, but they also paid for him to fly to the US!

The funny thing is, I didn’t know about it at the time. I learned it only years later, when we corresponded by email, and he said that he’ll always be grateful to me for helping him out with that contest.

There’s a lesson here, and it’s not about what I did. The lesson is that if someone does you a kindness, you should be careful to let them know at that time that you appreciate it. Some cultures, such as the American one, have this ingrained, as people always teach their kids to write thank-you notes and/or otherwise thank others for gifts and kindnesses.

Yet here in Romania, even though people pride themselves on being hospitable (and foreigners who visit agree), this culture of responding promptly and thoughtfully to different types of kindness is not that fully developed (other than kindnesses involving food — because there are many traditional rules around food). At least it wasn’t common in people of my generation (mid-forties) or older. Again, this is my experience, based on my extended family, friends, and acquaintances, and there are, of course, exceptions. However, I have several stories where I did (big) things for people, and they weren’t acknowledged at all. Or my kindness was acknowledged to other people, but not to me (until much later).

I didn’t do those things to receive anything in return (I did these things because I believe in being there for people if I can help them in a significant way and because I’ve been lucky and so very inspired to have had and to continue to have in my life some amazing individuals among my family, friends, and mentors) but I’m human: if those people were close, family or friends that I cared about deeply, I wanted to know that they thought of me for the briefest of moments, enough to buy me a trinket, when they were doing the things that I helped make possible. Even if they weren’t close friends, as was the case of the graphic artist I mentioned, it would have been nice to know what happened with the contest.

In fact, I didn’t expect anything because I took it for granted that people would respond a certain way, for instance, when I helped a very good friend of mine get a job. I helped her write her resume in English and prepare for an interview in English. She got the job and went on with love (I meant to write “life,” but my unconscious tricked me, as she fell in love with someone at her new job 😀) as if everything was par for the course. In contrast, a younger relative of mine, when I helped her with a Bachelor’s or Master’s dissertation for some sixty hours (if I recall correctly — I never told her, of course, the figure), went overboard and got me an expensive perfume.

Now, that was something that stumped me, because I felt she was trying to compensate me for my work. I didn’t expect compensation. When I did, part of me revolted. I felt the work I did with love was more important than whatever value you’d put on the time I spent on it. So, in a sense, rather than feel flattered to receive that expensive perfume, I felt slighted — as in, so she thinks the kind of work I did for her is worth that little?

In fact, it struck me as I was rereading this that you can never repay kindnesses; you can only pay them forward.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make a nice gesture in return, even if it’s only a few words of thank-you or, in case you’re not good with words, a simple heartfelt thank you.

As regards my younger relative, I knew she was very attentive, so I expected a sweet card or a very small token gift; but some people don’t want to feel that they owe others anything. Again, different cultures and different psychologies.

I’m guilty of it too. There’s one instance of that’s burned into my mind. Luckily, someone intervened and helped me out of making the mistake of seeming to ignore a kindness. In truth, I didn’t have any money to buy that person a gift — but in a twist, that money appeared, and I was able to do it.

I’ll add something else as well.

I’ve always loved to give people gifts and create occasions where we can do something meaningful together beyond the ordinary (such as going to a theater play). Even so, for a long time, I disregarded the work my parents and aunts and uncles did so we kids could enjoy ourselves at Easter and Christmas. I took it all for granted, even into adulthood. I’d go to my aunt’s in Transylvania and simply feast on all the great food: chicken soup, steak with potatoes and salad; beef salad with boiled carrots, potatoes, and pickles; stuffed cabbage rolls; Romanian sponge cake; other types of cake; and more.

Now imagine the work that went into making these dishes and into cleaning a large house. Then consider that year after year, I went there and enjoyed these things without often properly thanking my aunt and uncle. Sure, I brought gifts, but they weren’t enough. Sure, I loved to spend time with my aunt as she cooked some of the last dishes for the holidays, but it would have been nice to have her sit down on a chair and try to make some of these dishes myself.

Such a short life and so much to learn.

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To a happier, healthier life,

Mira