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incapable of quoting it. Use your own Bible to fact-check!</p><p id="6e44">When the heathens are asked to recite a commandment, make sure it sounds like this:</p><p id="502a">“Thou shall not commit adultery”</p><p id="d79a">and not this:</p><p id="4336">“You’re all children of the great and mighty Satan! Burn with me in the underworld! Fire to all! Eternal damnation upon you! Hissss!”</p><h2 id="a9ef">A Cane or Walking Stick</h2><p id="f2da">The witness testimony is an exciting part of the event, but it tends to drag on.</p><p id="b1cc">You may need to shift your weight to spare your back. Bring along a cane or walking stick for comfort while the accusers tell all.</p><p id="3de0">Expect juicy details such as:</p><blockquote id="1c76"><p>“Prudence McPhee owns a book AND wears glasses! An educated woman disrupts the family order set forth by God! Kill her with fire!”</p></blockquote><blockquote id="f347"><p>“Mary Gleason is a wiley whore who wore a skirt ONE centimeter above her ankle! Let the flames consume her!”</p></blockquote><blockquote id="b8d4"><p>“Esther Smith glanced at me and then refused copulation! Eye contact IS consent! Melt her face off!”</p></blockquote><p id="06b5"><b>Tip</b>: These damnations will likely frighten the children in the audience. Use your walking stick to start a limbo contest and restore the merriment!</

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p><h2 id="12f0">Fan</h2><p id="87be">As the constable announces the sentencing, fan your face and feign shock. Even though 99.9% of these trials end in death by fire, it is considered polite to hide your bloodlust.</p><h2 id="e316">Umbrella</h2><p id="1bf8">Once the witches are set alight, the ash will likely blow into the crowd. Protect your frock or britches with an umbrella. Flecks of scorched flesh can really ruin an outfit.</p><h2 id="3a42">Popcorn</h2><p id="3d93">Prepare popcorn over your kettle before you head to the town square and pack it in a convenient satchel. Who doesn’t love a good snack while watching hideous displays of carnage?</p><h2 id="5b18">Paper and Quill</h2><p id="3268">When the burning is complete and the harlots are reduced to smoldering skeletons, you’ll want a souvenir. Ask an artsy fellow to draw you in front of the smoking corpses. Make a silly face! Have fun with it.</p><p id="58f6">I hope this guide helps you to relax and enjoy your next Burning of the Witches gathering.</p><p id="0e8d">Hold on, the town constable is here. He says you glanced at the artsy fellow when you asked him to draw you. He also says the townsfolk think your walking stick looks a tad “witchy.”</p><p id="7c7c">I guess I’ll be seeing you at the next burning! Brush up on your commandments. I’ll bring my popcorn!</p></article></body>

What to Bring to Your Local Witch Burning Event

Behold the horrors in comfort and style

Image public domain from Wikicommons, altered

It’s springtime in 1692 and witch-burning season is ON!

You know what that means. It’s time to gather in your town square to gawk as local harlots are burned at the stake.

Get outside and mingle with your fellow Puritans, but be prepared so you don’t miss any of the action.

Here’s my handy guide on what to bring to the festive occasion.

Spyglass

Unless you get there super early, you’ll end up in the back of the crowd. You do NOT want to miss the look on the witches’ faces when the constable reads their crimes aloud.

Use a spyglass to see if you can detect their guilt with these dead giveaways:

Lowering head
Sweating
Blinking
Vehemently denying the charges
Denying the charges at all
Being female

Bible

The constable will likely ask each witch to read a passage from the Bible. Everyone knows true evil spirits are incapable of quoting it. Use your own Bible to fact-check!

When the heathens are asked to recite a commandment, make sure it sounds like this:

“Thou shall not commit adultery”

and not this:

“You’re all children of the great and mighty Satan! Burn with me in the underworld! Fire to all! Eternal damnation upon you! Hissss!”

A Cane or Walking Stick

The witness testimony is an exciting part of the event, but it tends to drag on.

You may need to shift your weight to spare your back. Bring along a cane or walking stick for comfort while the accusers tell all.

Expect juicy details such as:

“Prudence McPhee owns a book AND wears glasses! An educated woman disrupts the family order set forth by God! Kill her with fire!”

“Mary Gleason is a wiley whore who wore a skirt ONE centimeter above her ankle! Let the flames consume her!”

“Esther Smith glanced at me and then refused copulation! Eye contact IS consent! Melt her face off!”

Tip: These damnations will likely frighten the children in the audience. Use your walking stick to start a limbo contest and restore the merriment!

Fan

As the constable announces the sentencing, fan your face and feign shock. Even though 99.9% of these trials end in death by fire, it is considered polite to hide your bloodlust.

Umbrella

Once the witches are set alight, the ash will likely blow into the crowd. Protect your frock or britches with an umbrella. Flecks of scorched flesh can really ruin an outfit.

Popcorn

Prepare popcorn over your kettle before you head to the town square and pack it in a convenient satchel. Who doesn’t love a good snack while watching hideous displays of carnage?

Paper and Quill

When the burning is complete and the harlots are reduced to smoldering skeletons, you’ll want a souvenir. Ask an artsy fellow to draw you in front of the smoking corpses. Make a silly face! Have fun with it.

I hope this guide helps you to relax and enjoy your next Burning of the Witches gathering.

Hold on, the town constable is here. He says you glanced at the artsy fellow when you asked him to draw you. He also says the townsfolk think your walking stick looks a tad “witchy.”

I guess I’ll be seeing you at the next burning! Brush up on your commandments. I’ll bring my popcorn!