What is Going On With LinkedIn Influencers?

Live, Laugh, Hustle — and other stupid things they say

I can wrap my head around many things if I try hard enough. Trust me, I’m a Gemini — as malleable as they come. But one thing I can’t seem to grasp is LinkedIn influencers.

I get entrepreneurs, salespeople, and freelancers using LinkedIn to get their job done. But otherwise, why would you willingly be an influencer on, arguably, the most rigid, soul-sucking, and flavorless platform out there?

Generally speaking, LinkedIn influencers live and breathe “the hustle.” They’re what I can only call insufferable mixed breeds between Gary Vaynerchuk and your day-to-day layperson, touting productivity spiels into an echo chamber filled with eager-to-please, brown-nosed nine-to-fivers.

And while some give great advice, most give me the unshakeable ick. More specifically, five types of LinkedIn influencers make me roll my eyes so far back they tickle my spine (somehow).

1. Brainwashed oversharers

I’m trying not to be insensitive, I really am, but I can’t help it. Seemingly brainwashed LinkedIn oversharers give insufferable a new meaning.

They’re the ones who revel in their downfalls, sensationalizing their hardships to reflect an unquestionable work ethic. Often, their posts feel like straight-up diary entries. I’m talking vents about divorces, deaths, and life-threatening surgeries — all repurposed and repackaged to reflect their hard-working character.

I’ve seen posts with women who’d just given birth, working remotely from the maternity ward while their newborn lay beside them; people talking about the death of their loved one as a mere career “hurdle”; and patients posting Zoom selfies from the ICU, claiming “the grind never stops.”

How deep in the corporate sinkhole do you have to be to end up so out of touch with yourself as a human being?

2. Good samaritans

If a tree falls in the forest, and a LinkedIn influencer was there to help cushion its fall, best believe it makes the loudest sound.

Good LinkedIn samaritans rise to success by boasting their do-gooder nature, patting themselves on the back for being nothing more than decent human beings.

These are the self-proclaimed healers of the corporate world who, somehow, always manage to be someone’s savior. They’re all, “I hired a pregnant woman EIGHT months before she was about to give BIRTH!” and “I let an employee take a day off because he suffered a stroke and needed emergency care!” As if they’d revolutionized capitalism as a whole with the noblest acts known to man.

The most embarrassing part of it all? These stories are mostly made up or copied. Every couple of months, you’ll see the same old recycled story about some Messiah in HR “taking a wild chance” on someone without relevant work experience. Eugh.

3. Productivity gurus

LinkedIn productivity gurus are walking, talking Superiority Complexes. They revel in being burnt out, wearing sleep deprivation and workhorse-like routines as badges of honor.

Oh, you want “work-life balance”? You will NEVER be successful because while you are SLEEPING, others are GRINDING (queue a slew of flexed bicep and dollar sign emojis).

They usually babble on about “having no excuses,” waking up at 4 am to down a gallon of water and power through a 3-hour workout before plopping their asses down for a 12-hour workday.

Of course, an inevitable part of their spiel involves convincing you to join them in their lifelessness, promoting their routines as a one-stop shop to success.

The crème de la crème of productivity gurus also post themselves surrounded by tacky luxury. Whether posing in branded clothing, manspreading in garish, mid-life crisis-type cars, or showing off their high-rise offices with insipid city views, they’ll go to embarrassing lengths to prove their success — no matter how contrived or superficial it looks.

4. “Agree?”

Then there are the “Agree?” influencers, the ones I perceive to be the most harmless and pitiful of them all.

The essence of their existence lies in posting common sense-type quotes, followed by a one-liner supposed to spur rabid discussions in the comments: the infamous “Agree?”

Their posts go a little something like this:

“To succeed, you have to work hard.

Agree?”

Scrolling down the comment section, you’ll find all the snotty-nosed nerds going, “Absolutely!”, “Yep!”, “Mega agree!” into oblivion, hoping their yes-man attitude to banal nuggets of wisdom will help them network their way up the career ladder.

5. Selfie lovers

I can’t not mention the ones who use any and every chance to post a selfie.

They usually start their posts by tooting their own horn about some recent achievement, eventually climaxing into a wide-eyed selfie with an overly-exaggerated expression typically found in stock photos. Bonus points if there’s a coffee mug in sight.

Alternatively, if they have nothing noteworthy to share, they’ll use an irrelevant international celebration (e.g., World chess day) as an excuse to sneak in a sun-kissed picture of themselves from their recent holiday.

Inspiring!

The takeaway

I know I sound mean. And it’s because I am. But despite my unfounded vendetta against these five types of LinkedIn influencers, I know there’s at least some truth to my rant.

More often than not, LinkedIn is a cesspit full of cringe-worthy humble-bragging disguised as corporate camaraderie. And no matter where you try to seek refuge, there is always a lingering tinge of patheticness to the platform.

Agree???